Get off my lawn!

So I’m in the final days of my 20s.


I’m seriously dreading turning 30.  But the weird thing is that, at the same time, I’m just so done with the whole “young adult” thing.  Although according to the BDSM TNG group, I’ve still got five years left of that.  But I’ve never been hugely active in that group, anyway.

And I’m hugely looking forward to my 40s.  Especially now that I have a kid, doing the whole suburban mom thing, manipulating all the other suburban moms and watching that drama unfold… that sounds freaking awesome.  And then there’s the whole cougar thing, and taking advantage of a naive 19- or 20-year-old (I never claimed to be a good person).

So if I’m seriously looking forward to my 40s, and I’m done with the whole “youthful exuberance” thing, why am I dreading turning 30?

I think it’s mostly because I, like a bunch of women, have been indoctrinated to think that a woman in her 30s is somehow “less” than a woman in her 20s.  That may not be true, and I may be seriously over-thinking it, but that’s the only thing I can think of.  So that’s what I’m going with.

But there’s nothing I can do about it.  I can’t stop time, and I’m not going to desperately cling to my youth.  I know I’m going to get wrinkles, and gray hair, and saggy tits.  I’ve already got the mind of a grumpy old woman, so that’s going to be a smooth transition for me.  Although I think I’m going to be an entertaining grumpy old woman.

And there’s also the with-age-comes-experience thing.  For a decade or more, I caught hell in the lifestyle because of my age.  And I mean, I get it.  It’s hard to take a 20-year-old Dominant seriously.  That’s why my mentor flat-out told me to stay away from the community at first.  Even in his own group, where he was widely respected, he knew an 18-year-old Domme would be laughed out of the building.

I believed him, of course, but I didn’t really understand what he was talking about until I hit 21 and started venturing into the community, myself.  And then I really understood what he was talking about and why he told me to stay away.

It was irritating as fuck, and way beyond frustrating, but now that I’m older, I totally get it.  A 20-year-old Dominant is hard to take seriously.  I understand why they gave me such hell.

But the thing is, when I was 20, I already had four years of experience and quite a bit of training under a Dominant.  Four years isn’t necessarily a lot, but I knew what I was doing, and I knew to admit if I didn’t know what I was doing.

But in their defense, I did have the maturity level of the average 20-year-old, and I understand now that the average 20-year-old is immature AF.  Sometimes experience and knowledge aren’t enough.

So bring on the new decade.  I’m ready.

5 thoughts on “Get off my lawn!

  1. dave94015 says:

    Reblogged this on dave94015 and commented:
    A post about how you can be too young to be taken seriously in the #bdsm community

  2. dave94015 says:

    You have an interesting insight into aging…both it’s advantages and disadvantages. I’ve always thought experience in the lifestyle mattered most, but I guess the personality that one has is affected by age and does make a difference.

    • Domina Jen says:

      Thank you! I used to think experience matters the most, but again, I was experienced at 19, and had the maturity level of a typical 19-year-old.

      Everyone always has something to learn in the lifestyle. No amount of experience will change that. Hell, I’ve got almost 15 years of experience, and only just recently learned how to do needle play, staples, and sutures.

      I think now that it’s your personality and maturity that matters most. It’s easy to get more experience, it’s easy to learn new things. It’s way harder to fix problems with emotional and intellectual maturity.

  3. Kandia says:

    It’s tough to be taken seriously in the community at a young age. Seeing that, in my opinion, even if you’re a dominate type, they should didn’t time in the sub side of the scene to understand that aspect. But that they are to be a sub but to truely understand the full meaning of the lifestyle. My Mistress did that and is a greater person in my opinion because of it. She knows what we go through as a sub and is more intense yet caring.

    • Domina Jen says:

      I can understand that. I have never trained as a sub, though, and I absolutely never will.

      I have no doubt that it helps, and I know a few people who started out as subs and became Dominants.

      But I’m confident that I don’t need to be submissive to understand what goes through my boys’ heads. I can see what they’re thinking, I can see where their headspace is, and I know how to manipulate it. That’s not difficult for me, it comes naturally, and I don’t need to submit to understand that mental process.

      I’ve heard people talk about empathy, how being a sub helps a Dominant empathize with what a sub experiences.

      And again, meh. I don’t think it’s necessary to understand the full meaning of the lifestyle. I’m never done learning, obviously, but I despise submitting. It does nothing for me. I learn nothing from it. It does not enhance my understanding in the slightest. It’s not who I am, and I’ve felt unbelievably and painfully dysphoric when I’ve done it.

      So no, I don’t think starting out as a submissive is necessary to be a great Dominant, to understand and manipulate a submissive’s mindset, or to achieve intensity, empathy, or caring. My mentor didn’t follow that school of thought, and neither do I.

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