Domina Jen,

I’m a BBW and I’m having trouble getting over that self confidence thing when it comes to finding subs.  I feel like I have to warn them before I meet them in person even when my profile says it.  And I’m always uneasy both when I first meet them and when we start playing.  I always wonder if they’re really attracted to me.  They tell me they are, but it’s hard to shake that feeling that they’re just not.  You’ve mentioned your subs being good-looking.  Do you ever feel like they’re better-looking than you?  Do you ever have that insecurity, do you wonder if they really find you attractive?  How do you deal with it?


Well, Kris…..

I think it’s safe to say I’ve never had those kinds of thoughts, at least not in my adult life.  First of all, I’m remarkably narcissistic, and am the first one to say that I’m fucking gorgeous.

As far as my boys?  I’ve never really thought about whether or not they actually find me attractive.  Two of them have said, repeatedly, that I’m fucking gorgeous.  And the third?  Does he find me attractive?

No damn clue.  I mean, I imagine that, if he were repulsed by me, he would not have offered his submission to me in the first place.  But it’s never really come up in conversation.

Why has it never come up in conversation?

Because I really couldn’t care less whether or not he’s physically attracted to me.  If I told him to eat my ass like I’m Heidi Klum, I expect him to do what-the-fuck he’s told.  I expect him to obey me, to put his trust and his faith in me, and to serve me.  The emotional connection I feel with him has nothing to do with what he looks like, and I assume that the connection he feels with me has nothing to do with what I look like.

Sure, my boys are attractive.  But more attractive than me?  I’ve never really thought of it like that.  It’s not really a competition.  Do you mean, do I wonder if they’re “out of my league?”

No more so than my first-husband-the-male-model, or my first fiance, the most physically attractive man I’ve ever seen in person (and a big enough flake to give Ash a run for his money), or my first serious boyfriend, a sexy older, wealthy man in fantastic shape who liked to buy me shiny things and gave me the absolute best vanilla sex I’ve ever had, even to this day.  No more so than the Body, or Ash, Sissy, or any number of the other physically attractive men I’ve been with.  No more so than the four men (that I’m not in a relationship with) I can name off the top of my head who want in my pants right-fucking-now.

There’s no such thing as being “out of your league.”  It doesn’t exist.

It’s all about confidence, and your own self image.  I know it’s a tired old cliche, but I swear it’s true.

Have you ever heard of the International Journal of Cosmetic Science?  Well, those fine folks decided to conduct a rather fun little study.  They found that people who smelled good were more confident.  And that confidence translated into others thinking they were more attractive.  Even though they couldn’t smell them.

Tons and tons of studies have been done on the association between confidence and perceived attractiveness.  Seriously.  It’s kind of a big fucking deal.

So how do you make yourself more confident?  Well, smelling good is obviously a good start.  Take the time to do your hair and makeup.  Don’t know how?  Find someone to teach you.  Youtube has a shit-ton of tutorials.  Practice, practice, practice.

Wear clothes that make you feel good.  For the love of all that God created, don’t fucking shop at Walmart.  Buy clothes from a company dedicated to creating clothes exclusively for plus-size women.  It’s more expensive, yes.  But the clothes are better quality and the difference in the way they’ll fit you is way worth the extra $10 you’ll pay for that shirt.  Many big women make the same mistake, in that they don’t want to pay for clothes that fit them now, because “I’m going to lose the weight.”

Knock that shit off.  Buy what looks good on you now.  If you happen to lose the weight, then oh darn, your clothes are too big.  You can get them taken in.  Or wear a belt.  I bought two pairs of jeans that cost $100 each and two weeks later, I needed a belt to wear them.  It happens.  Deal with it.

But buy clothes that make you feel good, from a place dedicated to making clothes for big women.

I buy the vast majority of my clothes at Torrid, but I’ll occasionally shop at Lane Bryant or Catherine’s, and once in awhile you can find something awesome at Dress Barn (they’re not exclusively plus-size, but half their store is dedicated to it, so sometimes you find something awesome).

Learn what looks good on your body type.  Lesson One:  Skinny jeans are for skinny women.  Do not wear them.  Just because you may find them in your size does not mean you should ever wear them (Torrid in particular is fucking awful about selling jeans no big woman should ever buy).  If you own a pair, burn them.  If you’re not average height or taller, you shouldn’t wear them anyway, regardless of your weight or what size you are.

Skinny jeans make your legs look shorter.  When you’re carrying extra weight, you want to look taller, not shorter.  What’s more, since big women are a hell of a lot wider around our asses than our knees, skinny jeans accentuate that difference, and really, it just looks bad.

Capris?  You mean pant-abortions?  Burn them.  They’re even worse than skinny jeans.

Big women need relaxed boot cut or full boot cut.  Straight leg or wide leg can sometimes be okay, as long as they’re fitted well at the top.  Preferably in a dark wash.  The darker, the better.  Those boyfriend jeans so many big chicks seem to be in love with?  They look hideous.  They have no shape and make you look even bigger.  Burn them and dance on their charred remains.

Make sure you get a natural waist or high-rise pants.  Low-rise pants are for skinny women.  If you’re trying to improve your self-image, low-rise skinny jeans are your enemy.

All together now:  Burn them.

Don’t try to wear what skinny women wear.  Wear what the fuck looks good on you.  And be realistic.  Lying to yourself in the dressing room is not going to help you two days later when you’re having second thoughts.  Confidence=shattered.

Once you’ve got the hair and makeup and clothes, you’re on the right track, but that’s not enough.

Tell yourself that you’re fucking gorgeous.

I’m serious.  Actually do it.  Out loud.  Multiple times a day.  Every.  Goddamn.  Day.

It doesn’t matter whether you believe it or not.  You’ll be quite literally rewiring your brain, tricking it into believing it, completely independent of your conscious thought.  Do it.

And stop apologizing for being big.  You don’t need to warn anyone of a goddamn thing.  If they read your profile, they already know.  If they didn’t make even that much of an effort, do you really want a relationship with them, anyway?

The point is that attractiveness is completely subjective.  Don’t believe me?  I’ll quote that study again.  They took a picture of regular men walking on the street.  Then, they sprayed the men with great-smelling cologne and took another picture.  That’s the only thing they changed.  They didn’t touch a goddamn thing.

And yet, women found the same man more attractive in the photo after he’d been sprayed with cologne.

There was a similar study done, that found that men in college began finding a “homely” woman more attractive once she began acting with more confidence (I have no idea what the study means by “homely,” or who decided she was ugly, but it is what it is).  They had a number of men, throughout the year, approach her and remark on how beautiful she is, treat her as if she was beautiful, ask her out on dates, etc.  As the months passed, her confidence grew, and men not involved in the study began taking notice of her and asking her out.  Not because she suddenly got prettier.  But because she was more confident.

It’s not bullshit.  And it has nothing to do with whether or not you think a potential sub finds you attractive.  You need to find you attractive.

Also, keep in mind that not every man will agree with you.  And that’s okay.

It’s a mistake that millions of women, both thick and thin, short and tall, make.  And it’s something that needs to end now.

Not every man is going to find you attractive.

Not every man finds Anne Hathaway attractive.  It’s just the way of the world.  Many men have a specific type they’re attracted to.  And no, it doesn’t make them sexist, for fuck’s sake.  That argument needs to die.

If you had to have sex with either Channing Tatum or Danny DeVito, knowing nothing about either of them personally, which would you pick?

There are two kinds of women in this world:  Women who pick Channing Tatum, and liars.

You have a fucking type, too.  Stop bitching at men for the same-mother-fucking-thing.  Sure, you may find out that the sweaty short guy has the best personality on the planet, and the more you get to know him, the more attractive he seems to become.  The same thing happens with men, so shut the fuck up and let men be just as shallow as we pretend not to be.

Not all men will be into BBWs.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.  Your goal this morning wasn’t to please those guys, anyway.  Some men just won’t be attracted to you.  Some men will be attracted to you in spite of your weight.  And some men will be attracted to you because of it.  And you need to be okay with that.

We take it so personally when guys say they’re not attracted to us, and I don’t understand why.  And it’s not just big women, it’s all women.  A guy says he prefers blondes and the brunettes get offended.  A guy says he prefers Asians, or petite women, or athletic women, and anyone who doesn’t fall into that category gets offended and takes it as a slight against them personally.

Stop it.  Who the fuck cares if some guy doesn’t find you attractive?  You need to find you attractive.

And stop tip-toeing around it.  People assume that acknowledging your weight is self-deprecating in some way, and that does nothing but further drive home this idea that being big is wrong, or that you’re somehow “not as good” as a thin woman.

I acknowledge my size, I joke about it, and I’m fine with it.  Just today, actually, I went to sit on the couch with Kazander, and asked him to move over.  He moved like an inch and a half, and I laughed and said, “You know my fat ass can’t fit there.”

Kazander knows me, so he knows that I’m not insulting myself in some way.  But a lot of people actually get uncomfortable about it.  And that makes no sense to me.  Acknowledging the fact that I’m not a size 6 is not insulting.  I like being curvy.  Even before I gained the baby weight, I was curvy, and I loved it.  I’m still losing weight, but I will never lose my curves.  I don’t want to be a size 6.  I’m Mexican.  I have the Mexican ass and thighs.  I don’t want to lose that.

And it’s important to remember that being overweight does not necessarily mean you’re unhealthy.  I’m as healthy as anyone else.  My blood pressure is low (110 over 70, or somewhere around there, usually), my blood sugar is right exactly where it should be, my cholesterol is really low (did you know there’s such a thing as too low for cholesterol?  I learned that the last time I got bloodwork done).

I’m completely healthy.  And I’m a BBW.  I used to be pretty decent at running, too, but 8 months of being stuck in a bed with the threat of hospitalization completely fucked all that up.  My weight is not a health issue.  Being overweight does not necessarily mean you’re unhealthy.

So stop apologizing for it.  And fuck what anyone else thinks about your weight.  You need to come to terms with it yourself.  Potential subs will notice your confidence before your appearance, because that’s how people’s minds work.

Be confident.  Whether you’re thick or thin, short or tall, whatever.  The difference it will make in your life is unreal.


8 thoughts on “Confidence

  1. I would much rather be with a secure woman no matter her body type than the hottest woman on the planet that has a bunch of insecurities. You can get comfortable with how someone looks, but you can never get used to someone’s insecurities.

  2. JustMe says:

    You need to find you attractive.

    I believe that to be 100% true, as you do. The problem is that many bigger people DON’T and CAN’T find themselves attractive when they’re too heavy. I’m not saying that’s necessarily the case with this particular person that wrote the e-mail to you. But many, many people out there that are too heavy will simply never find themselves attractive because they don’t like that they’re heavy. And no amount of the right makeup, clothes, etc. is going to change that. They don’t consider themselves attractive because their idea of attractive is someone that carries an appropriate amount of weight. And that’s just as OK as feeling attractive when heavier (like you).

    So if a person can never truly feel attractive to themselves when they’re heavier I would say to them: lose weight. It takes hard work and discipline but life is too short to spend your life being unhappy with yourself. I have met many, many people that are overweight and others find them attractive, but they don’t feel good about themselves and never will while overweight. Those people need to do what they need to do to be happy and that is to lose weight. I look at it as the same thing as breast enhancement. Many, many women get their breasts enhanced for the wrong reasons, to please others. But there are many, many women out there that do it for THEMSELVES because they aren’t comfortable in their own skin and never will be until their breasts look like they want them to. I support these women that enhance their breasts and do it because they want to appear a certain way when they look in the mirror. And I support overweight people that want to lose weight to feel better about themselves.

    • Domina Jen says:

      I absolutely disagree with 98% of what you’ve said. First of all, there’s no such thing as an “appropriate” amount of weight. As long as you’re healthy, weight is nothing but cosmetic. And “just lose weight” is the single most insensitive thing you can say to a heavy person. I’m serious, for many of us, that’s worse than being called fat. If it were that easy, everyone would be skinny. If it were that easy, I would’ve lost my extra weight immediately after having my kid, rather than carrying it around for four years. If hard work and discipline were all that was needed, practically no one would be overweight.

      Yes, overweight people should work on losing weight if the weight presents health problems or if that’s what they want to do. Yes, women should get implants if that’s what they want. Absolutely, hell yes.

      But self love and self confidence are not things that some people are born with and some people aren’t. It’s a conscious decision, and it’s something you have to actively do every day. That’s why I wrote the whole “re-wire your brain” bit. If you don’t do that, then it doest matter how much weight you lose. Your brain is wired to look for flaws, and will find another one. Bigger boobs and a smaller waist won’t change the paths your brain is used to taking. It’s over-simplified, but you can think of your brain like a muscle. The more you think certain types of thoughts (like, “I’m ugly”) the more those parts of your brain get “worked out,” And that’s where your brain will continue to gravitate to.

      Except with things like depression, which needs to be treated, obviously, being happy with yourself is something you have to want to work for, and has nothing to do with the way you look. The idea that some people just can’t be happy with themselves, the way they are now, is sad, and is not the way the human brain works.

  3. thechastecyclist says:

    MrsL has struggled with self confidence for years. I have always told her how beautiful and sexy she is because I know HER and I would be attracted to her as much today as I was when we met…even then she was more curvy than others! I LOVE CURVES. Over the past year, her self confidence has improved and continues to improve. Be confident in who YOU are!

  4. sara elise says:

    Honey, just know that we *want* to serve you!! You will grow into Your dominance, don’t worry. Project confidence, and we will love You! hug, sara

  5. […] However, pinning down the exact reason’s for the allure of self-assurance is tricky. Luckily, Domina Jen’s already written on confidence and sex appeal at length and makes the case. Not for nothing, in addition to being absolutely gorgeous, Ma’am’s […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s