End of an era

Kazander has the worst luck when it comes to being sick.  In the six years I’ve known him, he’s been sick on his birthday all but maybe twice.

This year was no exception. A minor cold on his birthday has now devolved into a pretty nasty virus that has him making some very un-sexy noises.

So I took his alcohol away and have been shoving water down his throat to try and keep him hydrated.

But something else happened this year.

As I’ve said before, we always switch for his birthday.  And, because his birthday is a few days before Christmas, and we have family in town, and he has end-of-quarter hours at work, we’ve taken to switching from his birthday to the end of the year.

It’s always uncomfortable, blah blah blah, the same story every time we switch.  I’ve never liked doing it.  It’s difficult to explain how weird and uncomfortable it is.  And this year was harder than most.

We’d just switched a few months ago, and I made a terrible submissive, even by my own standards.

I’m a terrible submissive to begin with.  I argue, I forget that I’m supposed to be submissive, I roll my eyes, and I get annoyed with 97% of whatever Kazander wants to do with me.  Constant teasing and denial sends me beyond frustration and into anger.  Pain pisses me off.  Anything more than ultra-mild humiliation annoys me.  Having to be obedient and follow rules annoys me.  Bondage is alright, but I’m always very much on edge, and there’s a nasty little voice that constantly nags and asks, “Will he actually untie you if you really need to be untied?  What if he doesn’t?”

Funny, it’s the exact opposite of the thoughts I have when I’m with a bound and helpless boy.  Then, there are a number of thoughts that flash through my mind along the lines of “I don’t have to untie him.  I could render him completely helpless and take advantage of him.”

So yeah, I’m not a great submissive.  I’m not even a good submissive.  And when we switched a few months ago, I was a spectacularly bad submissive.  I didn’t even bother trying to hide my disdain and annoyance.

And that’s not fair to Kazander.

So for his birthday, I decided I’d make more of an effort.  Granted, I still don’t think you could’ve called me a good submissive, but it was a hell of an improvement from the last time.  It still made the little hairs on the back of my neck stand on end whenever I had to obey him, and I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes or saying something smart, and the whole thing was supremely uncomfortable in general, but he deserved more of an effort.

At one point, I asked him why, if he likes switching so much, he doesn’t find a sub girl and dominate someone who actually wants to be dominated.  He mentioned that the effort that it would take to find such a girl would be monumental, and then figuring out how Domming a girlfriend would fit into our own dynamic would be another huge undertaking, and that it wasn’t worth it.

He made the comment, “And I don’t get much out of it, anyway.”

Which immediately put me in I’m-about-to-scream-at-you,-you-fucking-asshole mode.

He didn’t get much out of it?  I’m busting my ass, going against my entire personality, pretending to be something I am very much not, and dealing with constant fucking discomfort and sexual dysphoria, and he doesn’t get much out of it?

So what the hell was I even doing it for?

But I calmed down, and we talked it out like civilized people.

The problem is that there’s so little he can do with me to begin with, and even the stuff I tolerate, I don’t tolerate well, and it just doesn’t turn him on when I’m annoyed and not into it.  And there’s only been twice that he’s been able to shut off my brain enough to put me into subspace and enjoy it.  And even then, I crashed afterwards.  It’s just not something I enjoy, and my not enjoying it prevents him from enjoying it.

So I asked him what, specifically, he likes about it, and why he asks for it every chance he gets.  He replied that he likes being able to cum whenever he wants, and he likes giving me shit and making me do what he tells me.

But he agreed that we probably shouldn’t switch anymore.  We’ll have to figure something else out.  Maybe from his birthday to the end of the year, he can just have unlimited orgasms, without switching.  I don’t know, I’ll figure it out.  I still want his birthday to be special.

It’s a surprisingly huge relief, though.  I mean, he never forced me into it.  I never had to switch.  It was always my choice.  I decided if it happened, when it happened, and for how long it happened.  I was always in control, even as a submissive.

I think I felt obligated.  It’s pretty much the only thing he ever asked for.  And hell, I love him.  I want to give him what he wants.  He’s my husband and my boy, and I want to take care of him and make him happy.  Switching made him happy.

But it’s time to recognize that the switching does more harm than good.  Quite often while we switch, I resent him.  I get annoyed/angry easily, and for no real reason, even when we’re just talking, and he makes a comment or even just acknowledges me being submissive. And he deserves better than that.

Calling him “Sir” has never been an issue.  I come from a military family, grew up around military men and women, and worked for three years in a very strict environment where rank carried a hell of a lot of weight (and saved my ass in China, when I was completely obliterated and would’ve found myself in bed with an investment banker from Germany visiting on business [that accent, though!], had my boss not threatened to publicly beat the hell out of me if I did.  And since I was always covered in bruises from our sparring matches, and had seen him beat one of the other instructors for being a disrespectful asshole, I believed he’d make good on the threat.  Vanilla sex with a stranger was not worth that).

So I’m used to calling people “Sir,” and that didn’t bother me in the slightest.  But calling him “Master” always made me cringe, and the word always caught in my throat.  Luckily, it wasn’t something he required often.

Everything about submitting felt off, for me.  Even things that were supposed to be enjoyable, I couldn’t relax enough to enjoy.  Having to ask permission to cum annoyed me.  Being told no irritated me.  I just couldn’t really enjoy it.  Not the way I enjoy grabbing him by his hair and shoving his face between my legs.  Not the way I enjoy fucking Sounder’s ass while he squirms and writhes practically off the side of the bed.  Not the way I enjoy stuffing Steel from both ends and making him suck his cum off my fingers.

There’s just no comparison.

So I’m relieved that we won’t be switching anymore.  The benefits just aren’t worth the drawbacks.  And it doesn’t serve to bring us closer, like it did the first couple of times.  The first time or two, opening myself up to him, being vulnerable like that to him, was fucking terrifying.  But forcing myself to do it opened me up to him in a way that I have trouble doing with anyone else, and it solidified our bond.

It had a purpose, once.  There was a reason we switched, and it had direct and long-term benefits.  But it’s outlived its purpose.

I am a Dominant.  I am not now, nor have I ever been, a switch.  Kazander is my submissive, my boy, my property.  He wears my collar.  He obeys me, and I take care of him.  That’s the way I want it, that’s the way that feels right, and that’s the way that it’s going to be.

The switching ends now.

6 thoughts on “End of an era

  1. Hapa says:

    The value of decisiveness in roles can’t be over stated in importance. It’s exactly what’s needed in every D/s relationship. Without it a sub has no reference of his environment.

  2. Switching can be stressful to both if, the partners aren’t accustomed to it and truly enjoy it. I have switched a few times here and there over the years. Sure for the 5 or 10 minutes I enjoy it. Then it’s like okay, can we go back to our normal roles.

  3. dave94015 says:

    Reblogged this on dave94015 and commented:
    sometimes switching roles in a #bdsm relationship has benefits…to bring participants closer…but also to convince them that some roles are not for them. Here’s an example…

  4. dave94015 says:

    you want to be in control in a relationship…and letting the other control you is against your nature. At least you found out and won’t wonder “what if…”

  5. You can give him unlimited orgasms. So many that he is begging you to stop giving him orgasms. It would certainly make for a memorable birthday.

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