It all started when I stumbled across a word in an article I’d never heard before: misandry.
Being the English junkie that I am, the fact that there existed a word unfamiliar to me was irritating. So I did the worst possible thing I could have done.
I Googled it.
M’kay, so in case you are, like I was, living happily in your ignorance, I’ll lay some education down.
Misandry is the dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against men (i.e., the male sex).
Okay, so man-hating.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not completely naive. I knew man-hating was a thing. But I didn’t know it was this much of a thing. Like, holyfuckingshit.
So over the course of the next 5-ish hours, I read article after article, blog after blog, essay after essay, getting more and more pissed-the-fuck-off.
One of my favorites is this blog post written by a proud misandrist (and FYI, I’m irritated as fuck that the word “misandrist” is in WordPress’ dictionary, but “unexplainable” is not, and comes up as a mispelled word).
In it, she says,
I hate men. Yes, I am a feminist. No, not all feminists hate men. But at this point in my life I have begun to wonder why any woman with half a brain would NOT hate men.
She then goes on to give a list of why men are evil. Some of these items are rape, murder, wife/girlfriend beating, porn, BDSM, forced pregnancy and birth, and giving a fetus more rights than the woman carrying it.
M’kay, so yes, let’s all take a moment to acknowledge that there are evil people out there, and that a number of them happen to be men. Rapists, child-molesters, abusers, all kinds of trash exist.
Let’s first look at the rape thing. Yes, rape is common. It happens to a lot of women, it’s revolting that a man would do that to a woman, and it sucks. Having been raped (twice) myself, I can tell you it sucks. I’m not trying to trivialize that, or what the victims of rape have gone through.
There are a couple of problems with putting rape on a list of reasons why men are evil.
Firstly, women are not the only victims of rape. Secondly, men are not the only rapists. And thirdly, 20% more men than women have acquiesced to unwanted sexual intercourse in college (46% against 63%).
Now, we do need to acknowledge that the 46% of women acquiescing to sex they don’t want sucks. That’s a high number. But that’s not what we’re discussing (and I’ll get to that in a minute).
Let’s look at that 63%. Does that number bother anybody? More than half of men have been coerced into having sex they didn’t want. Why is this not a huge fucking deal?
Because culture, that’s why (and yes, I’m letting out my inner anthropologist). Because when it happens to a guy, it’s not rape. He’s hard, so he had to have wanted it. Only a pussy wouldn’t want sex every chance he can get. Because we condition men to be the very things we despise them for. We hate men because they’re sex-crazed hound dogs. But if a man isn’t a sex-crazed hound dog, he’s not a “real man.”
It’s also interesting to note that of all victims of sexual abuse, almost 40% are boys, and more than half of the time, it’s perpetrated by a woman. Combine that with prison rape and rape that goes unreported, and now you have to face the very disturbing truth that men are sexually abused and sexually assaulted more than women.
“But what about women who are raped and don’t report it? You can’t acknowledge one without the other.”
You’re absolutely right, I can’t. There are women who are raped and don’t report it.
False accusations of rape have become a problem. There’s also token resistance, in which a woman says “no,” but actually wants sex (and in that study, 34% of women admitted to token resistance).
In a study of 556 rape allegations, 256 were unable to be verified as rape. Of the 300 authenticated cases, 220 were judged to be truthful, and 80 were judged to be false. Now, in order to be judged “false” for the study, one of more of the following criteria had to be met: the victim unequivocally admitted to false allegation, indicated deception in a polygraph test, and provided a plausible recantation. Even by these strict standards, slightly more than one out of four rape charges were judged to be false.
Holyfuckingshit. One out of four? Even if that number is skewed, it’s ridiculous. Let’s say instead that it’s one out of ten. That’s still a huge fucking problem. Hell, a man doesn’t even need to be convicted of rape nowadays. Just an accusation can completely destroy his life.
And the definition of rape is getting so hazy. Especially when 34% of women admit to saying “no” when they want sex, and 55% of women have actually given explicit consent to sex they didn’t want. How the hell can we expect men to navigate through all that?
So yes, men are the victims of sexual abuse and sexual assault (including rape) more often than women, regardless of the gender of the rapist.
And the same goes for violent crime. Both male and female attackers are more likely to commit violent crimes against men than women.
The porn and BDSM thing is beyond ridiculous. If you really want to be pissed off at humanity in general, you can go read this, from the fine folks at the Liberation Collective. But for the sake of your sanity, I’ll just post the key point here.
The existence of male submissives in BDSM practice does nothing to excuse, nullify, or disprove the fact that BDSM is violence against women. We know that liberated sexuality does not follow the patriarchal model of dominance and submission, and that BDSM is the normalization of domestic violence.
I mean really? Because a woman can’t possibly enjoy submitting to a man, right? She can’t know herself and her desires, and be confident in who she is and what she wants out of a relationship dynamic, right?
No, we have to do her thinking for her. A woman can’t be trusted to make her own decisions, so we have to make them, and lay out what we consider to be an acceptable lifestyle for women to lead.
Because we respect women and we’re feminists.
Fun fact, even in the comments, a woman said that she is submissive, and a masochist, but because her husband is not sadistic, she will lead the sexual play, tell him what to do, where, and how hard, and he will obey her. She points out that the extreme examples of BDSM abuse listed in the post are abuse, masquerading as kink, and are not representative of the consensual play that sane people engage in.
The author responded by saying, “Because we grow up in a male dominated society, we are conditioned to like a lot of things that reinforce that dynamic, and we believe BDSM is one of those things.”
So she literally told the woman that she enjoys BDSM because she has been brainwashed and doesn’t know any better.
No, seriously. Fuck feminists and their first-world problems. You can vote, you’re treated as a human being and not a possession, and you don’t get punished for being raped. No really, because one link isn’t enough. You don’t get punished for being raped.
Want another link? You don’t fucking get stoned for being raped, you whiny cunts.
Want more? I’ve got more.
Oh, but go ahead and complain about why women don’t star in every fucking action movie and how female video game characters are sexy and how that’s so damaging to the gender. Or that submissive women are brainwashed and stupid. Or that stay-at-home moms are contributing to the Patriarchy. Go ahead. Bitch some more about how a man being given any sort of leeway in pretty much any sort of situation is damaging to women. Go ahead and continue your armchair activism and rant and rave all over social media, while women in numerous cultures are actually oppressed.
But back to the blog post and the rampant stupidity that exists there.
Furthermore, men who are Dominant are rapists, and men who are submissive are sexist pigs “trying on” a temporary role.
Well, let me tell you something. There’s nothing temporary about what I expect of my men. Whether I’m beating his ass, talking on the phone, out at dinner, or hanging with friends or family, he’s still fucking mine, and I expect him to keep that in mind. And while I won’t punish him or make our dynamic known around certain circles, I won’t forget a lapse in respectful behavior. The notion that it’s temporary, or that it’s a game, is actually offensive to me and the lifestyle I lead with my subs.
But the author talks about men being able to put the ball gag away and go back to their life of male privilege, while women are forced to experience the “day to day sexual terrorism” that makes up our lives.
And I saw this written somewhere else, by another proud misandrist. It’s the whole “male privilege” thing. That men can’t possibly know what it feels like to constantly be objectified and ogled the way women are.
And alright, I’ve got to give the misandrists that. No, men don’t know what it’s like to be a woman. A man will probably never experience being made uncomfortable when someone you considered a friend crosses a line physically (which happened to me Friday, incidentally, and is such a common occurrence in my life, I didn’t even bother telling Kazander about it). A man will probably never experience the discomfort that comes from the casual, cavalier, and condescending way men talk to women, as if there’s some innate sense that they have a right to our bodies.
I give them that. A man will never know what I go through, living as a woman.
But you wanna know what?
I’ll never know what a black person goes through, because of their skin color. I’ll never experience that bias and that prejudice.
I’ll never know what my Muslim aunt goes through, because she is a practicing Muslim, and while she’s not Arabic, she looks like it.
I’ll never know what a handicapped person goes through. I’ll never know what a trans person goes through. I’ll never know what a 500-pound person goes through. I’ll never know what a mentally-handicapped person goes through. I’ll never know what a shit-ton of people go through, because I’m white-ish, I’m able-bodied, I’m not morbidly obese, and I just don’t know what it’s like to experience prejudice directed toward groups of people I don’t belong to. I just don’t know.
Does that make me a bad person? No. Most people experience some sort of privilege. White privilege does not make white people bad, just like male privilege does not make men bad. We need to stop vilifying each other. The man who experienced male privilege Friday night was shrugged off and told, in no uncertain terms, that I have zero interest in any man who is not submissive, and that was the end of the conversation. It doesn’t make him bad. It doesn’t make him my enemy. It doesn’t make him into an evil Patriarchy demon who needs to be exorcised.
He’s a fucking human being. Human beings tend to fuck up. A lot. Being the insensitive, often non-PC, blunt-ass bitch that I am, I sure as hell am in no goddamn position to be able to judge anyone else for being insensitive.
Now, moving on to the most touchy subject of all… the rights of an unborn fetus.
For the record, I’m pro-choice. However, I believe it’s the wrong fucking choice and will never advocate for abortion, and became suicidal when a rape while I was a minor ended with a pregnancy that my Catholic parents insisted be terminated. Took more than double the normal dose of anesthetic to knock me out, because I fought it so hard. I actually just recently found out my mother still harbors guilt over it, which is gloriously satisfying, and I’m not the least bit ashamed to admit that, regardless of how petty it is (I never claimed to be a good person, y’all).
Incidentally, that was also the first time I learned that ever-important lesson that not all people who claim to be Christian are actually Christian. They’re Christian while it’s convenient.
Still, I’m pro-choice. I don’t agree with the choice, but that’s kind of the point of living in a free country. I don’t have to agree.
However, there’s a huge fucking problem in this country, where being a man automatically puts you at a massive disadvantage, and that’s with anything involving children. There is no such thing as male privilege when it comes to children.
Sounder once mentioned that he’d love to coach a little-league team. I asked him why he didn’t do it, and he said, “I’m a bachelor with no kids. I can’t be anywhere around kids.”
At first, I looked at him like he was an idiot. But that stuck with me, and the more I thought about it, the more I looked at the moms at the park or the playdates, the more I realized he was right.
So I started asking my friends and acquaintances if they’d be comfortable with a childless bachelor coaching their kids. The most relaxed response came from my best friend, who said, “I’d be okay with it, but I wouldn’t let him be anywhere alone with my son.”
What the fuck? This is a thing? Where the hell have I been that I didn’t know this was a thing?
I was stunned. Sounder was completely right. It is socially unacceptable for an unmarried man with no kids to be around kids. Just because he’s a man.
An unmarried woman with no kids is fine. She just likes kids. She’s got a nurturing spirit. She likes to give back to the youth of the community. But a man can’t like kids without having his motives called into question.
And then you look at situations like what Kazander and I faced four years ago, when the spawn was born. We weren’t married, and according to Nevada law, in order for him to be acknowledged on her birth certificate as her father, he needed to sign away his right to ever ask for a paternity test.
It didn’t matter what I said. I told the woman, “But I’m telling you, he’s the father. You can see that we’ve lived together for a year. I’m on his insurance.”
Nothing I said made any difference. They wouldn’t even give her his last name without it, even when that’s what I said I wanted.
And I’ve got to give him credit, he was way less pissed than I was about it. He signed the waiver, his name was added to her birth certificate, and life went on.
But that still pisses me off. Because we weren’t married, in order for him to be given his parental rights, he had to sign away one of his parental rights.
I mean, in the big scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter, I guess. She is his kid, without a doubt, and a paternity test would reveal that. But it’s the principle of the thing, and it’s ridiculous.
Fathers get shafted in pretty much every facet of parenthood. I’m sure some of you have heard about that 20-year-old in Utah, who wanted custody of his newborn daughter. The mother didn’t want the child, so instead of giving her to the father, the mother put it up for adoption. In Utah, you don’t need the father’s signature to put a baby up for adoption. And, because Utah’s laws are so horrendous, the chances of him ever getting his daughter back are basically nothing.
One of my exes experienced something similar, when he found out his previous girlfriend was pregnant. He was ecstatic and wanted the baby, and she went behind his back and got an abortion.
Why is that considered okay? Why does a mother have more rights than a father?
In a situation involving consensual sex between adults, why doesn’t the father have as much right to the unborn child as the mother?
Because it’s in her body?
That’s bullshit, and you all know it. So what, in that situation, women can’t be expected to follow through with their mistakes? She made a bad decision, and had unprotected sex, and now she’s pregnant. But she’s a woman, and we can’t hold her accountable for that bad decision, so we have to make sure she has an easy way out available to her, regardless of the father’s wishes.
You do realize we’re making the problem worse with that kind of mindset, right? Not only are we making enemies of a number of men who actually want to be genuine, present, supportive fathers, but we’re teaching women, we’re teaching our daughters that a) life is disposable, particularly if it’s really inconvenient, b) when you make a mistake, the quick, easy way out is the best, and c) who the fuck cares what men want?
Women are not idiots. Women are not weak-willed. Women are not unable to understand the consequences of their actions. Can we stop treating them like they are? Yes, it’s her body that the fetus is growing in. But unless there is another factor at play, that would inhibit her ability to make decisions with potentially far-reaching consequences, she needs to be treated like an adult. She knows the possible consequences of having unprotected sex. She knows that no form of birth control is 100% effective. If she chooses to have sex anyway, and becomes pregnant, and the father actually wants the baby, he deserves some kind of say in the matter.
This idea that the father has zero rights is just wrong. He should have just as much right to the being he helped create.
Especially when my own personal experience has shown that, when the opposite is true, everyone is so onboard with not being made to abort a pregnancy that one of the parents wants. When the mother wants the baby, but the father does not, he “needs to be held accountable for his actions and be a father.” When the father wants the baby, but the mother does not, then “fuck you. It’s my body, it’s my right.”
What is equal about that? Where’s the equality in that? Where’s that male privilege everyone keeps harping about?
And more importantly, why does fighting to have the same rights over their children as the mother make men evil? They’re not trying to take our rights away. They’re trying to be treated as equals.
Gee, sound familiar? And yet women, who should be seriously empathetic to that plight, fight tooth and nail against it. We don’t want the fathers of our children to have the same rights we do.
But men are the bad guys. Right………..
Besides, giving a fetus more rights than the woman carrying it is not a man-thing. That’s a religion-thing. And quite a few women are pro-life. We can’t blame men for that.
Oh, wait, yes we can. Because the pro-life women have been brainwashed to think the way men tell them to think. Because they don’t follow our set of rules for what a woman should be, and therefore can’t be intelligent or strong-willed. Because they believe something different, so they have to be stupid, or ignorant, or brainwashed by the evil Patriarchy. Because it’s completely inconceivable to think that an intelligent woman can think differently than you do.
Misandry is a laughable concept. This notion that men are evil, and that the Patriarchy is evil (or that it exists), is a laughable concept, and those who follow that belief are idiots.
The sad thing is that there are actually male misandrists. Sociologist Allan Johnson wrote, “Given the reality of women’s oppression, male privilege, and some men’s enforcement of both, it’s hardly surprising that EVERY woman should have moments when she resents or even ‘hates’ men.”
Are you serious?
I happen to like men. I happen to think they’re pretty fucking awesome. Sure, I went through somewhat of a man-hating phase (although you can’t really even call it that… it was more like a man-sorta-disliking phase) back when I was a teenager, and fucking immature and stupid, but once I grew up and stopped being immature and stupid, I realized how ridiculous that was.
So yeah, misandrists are immature and stupid.