Cookie Jar

What do normal people do when they see a spider in their house?  They might think, “Oh, I need to call the exterminator.”

The spawn is not a normal person.  I found the spider hiding in a potted plant in my kitchen.  I grabbed a plastic bowl and caught it, intending to release it outside.

She saw me holding the bowl and asked to see what was inside.  I, like an idiot, thought “What harm could it do to show her?” and let her see.

Immediately, before I could say a word, she said, in that cute little 4-year-old voice, “I finally have a pet!”  And declared that it’s the cutest thing she’d ever seen.

After a lengthy conversation about why it’s a bad idea to cuddle the huge fucking spider (the thing is seriously big), she decided to name it Cookie Jar (dude, I have no damn clue), and I spent the evening googling how to take care of the spider I apparently now own.

Some may remember me mentioning my friend Chevy, one half of the gay couple I almost carried a baby for (and thank God didn’t happen, Ford went seriously crazy).  He’s the resident spider/scorpion/gross-crawly-thing expert, so I gave him a call, and discovered that it’s probably a female Southern House Spider, and that feeding it a cricket every week or two is all I need to do.

So tomorrow I’m going to Petsmart to buy a goddamn terrarium thingy and some crickets.  For a damn spider.  And it’s not even a cool spider, like a tarantula.

But at least now she’s stopped hounding for a dog.

My kid is seriously the weirdest person I’ve ever met.

9 thoughts on “Cookie Jar

  1. Mic says:

    Kids come up with the strangest emotions for spiders. I remember my own daughter, practically putting her nose into a spiders nest, because she found them “so cute”.

    Well, since then her feelings for those eight-legged freaks change every couple of months. But we didn’t need to buy a terrarium at any time so we might have had some fortune there.

    What if you take her to a zoo shop and do the “Crocodile Dundee” thing with her: “That’s not a spider – THAT’S a spider!”


  2. thechastecyclist says:

    Oh the joys of parenting! I can’t stop laughing!

  3. I once thought it would be a great idea to put a small aquarium in my son’s room. He wasn’t thrilled with the dark and I figured I could leave the tank light on when it was time for bed. I thought the fish would be soothing.

    I had to remove it after walking in on him, multiple times, making oobi hands* to “swim” with the fish … while standing on a chair … up to his elbows …


  4. Kitty says:

    I’m in love with your daughter. She’s the best!

    Spiders are definitely cute though and really cool. They’re built like complex machines. I wish they didn’t freak me out up close so that I could be more like your daughter.

    • Domina Jen says:

      She certainly has her moments! But yeah, I guess I never really paid that much attention before, and after spending 20 minutes today watching the damn thing, because she wanted to see it eat the cricket, I have to say the way they move is pretty cool. Very complex little things.

  5. Zed says:

    spiders vary a lot….some are pretty harmless….but some – even if they are not dangerous – do bite, and hurt! Not sure about the pet idea, I must admit!

    • Domina Jen says:

      We went out and bought a thick, unbreakable plastic tank with a locking lid. The spider can’t escape, and (more importantly) the spawn can’t get the lid off.

      I think it’s a female Southern House Spider, but it doesn’t look exactly like the pictures (or like the pictures of any other species native to Vegas) so I’m not taking any chances!

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