Not Straight? Not Cis? Not Welcome.

So there’s a new ClubFem chapter that just started up in Vegas.

I’ve lived in Vegas most of my life, so I had no idea what ClubFem is, outside of the fact that it’s a national Femdom group.

Oh, I learned all about what ClubFem is.  It was a wonderful educational exercise in…. well, in lots of things.

Let me hasten to point out that I don’t necessarily have a problem with any particular members of ClubFem.  The leader of the Vegas chapter is someone I’ve met before, and while I don’t know her that well, she seems like a wonderful, respectable woman.

The organization itself, however, is laughable.  Just laughable.  Resisting the urge to roll my eyes every five minutes was fucking painful.  Seriously, I will never doubt my own willpower again.

Agonizing.

First of all, Kiki and I carpooled there, and we both mentioned a blaring detail on the event invite.  It said that the event was open to female Dominants and male submissives only.

And Kiki and I, both being somewhat bisexual (well, she’s bisexual, I guess I’d say I’m more heteroflexible) immediately had to wonder…. What about female submissives?

So she brought it up in the group discussion, and asked about it.

And no, female submissives are not welcome.  At fucking all.

Female-to-male transgender submissives are not welcome.  Male-to-female transgenders are not welcome, but there can be exceptions made on a case-by-case basis, and they must have male genitalia.  Male crossdressers are generally not welcome, but may be tolerated on a case-by-case basis, but they’ll only be allowed to crossdress at certain events, and with approval.  But no sissies.

Dude…

What.  The.  Fuck.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  So I asked the leader to clarify.  I said, “So you can’t just be in a Femdom relationship, you have to be in a heterosexual Femdom relationship?  People who aren’t straight aren’t welcome?”

The leader was quick to deny it.  “Oh no, all female Dominants are welcome, regardless of their sexuality.”

“Lesbian Dominants are welcome?”

“Of course.”

“But lesbian submissives aren’t?”

“No.”

Wait a minute… I can’t be hearing this right.  I’ve got to be misunderstanding something.  There’s got to be a miscommunication somewhere.

“So a homosexual Dominant cannot bring her submissive to any ClubFem events?”

“No, she would have to leave her at home, unfortunately.”

“So a gay FemDomme basically wouldn’t be able to acknowledge her sexuality or her relationship within her Femdom group.”

“Well, two or three times a year, I’ll host a party that won’t be an official ClubFem event, and then everyone will be welcome.”

Oh well gee, aren’t we accommodating.

“So not all Femdom relationships are welcome.”

“No, all Femdommes are welcome.”

“Right, but not all Femdom relationships are welcome.”

“Well, no.”

Dude…..

What.  The.  Fuck.

And genuinely, it took me awhile to wrap my head around this.  This is a group that celebrates Dominant women, and Female-Led-Relationships.

But, as it turns out, only straight Dominant women.  And only heterosexual Female-Led-Relationships.

Because let’s be honest, here.  Lesbian Dommes may be “welcome,” but if the one(s) they love aren’t welcome, and their relationship isn’t welcome, they’re not fucking welcome, no matter what you say to pretty it up.

Seriously.  It took me a long time to wrap my head around this.

Of course, there was a sub there who piped up, talking about how clubs have rules to accommodate a specific group, and how there’s some male-only vanilla group that women are suing for membership or some bullshit (I didn’t pay attention), and it’s not right to expect the rules of an entire organization to change to accommodate you.

Two problems with that.

First, shut the fuck up.

Secondly, I’m not asking the organization to change its rules.  Kiki was not asking the organization to change the rules.  We were asking for clarification, asking the reasons for such an absurd rule, and making an observation (albeit in a blunt way, in my case) in an effort to clarify what we were hearing.

Don’t put words in my mouth.

And thirdly, I’m not asking the organization to changes its rules to accommodate me.  While I’ve had female subs in the past, I don’t have one now.  I’m not gay.  I’m a straight-ish Dominant woman with three cisgendered submissive men.  I meet the requirements.  My boys meet the requirements (no they actually don’t, but I’ll get to that in a minute).

I was simply voicing the observation that a group dedicated to Dominant women does not welcome Dominant women.  I guess you’re not a Twue Dommely Domme unless you like cock.

And don’t get me wrong, I get the whole Females Enslaving Males thing.  I know that this is a Female Superiority group, and that women are superior to men, and men must serve, blah blah blah.

I get it.  I really do.

But let me show you the first sentence on the history page of the ClubFem website.

Club Fem was started in late 1992 by Head Mistress Dee and slave gene to provide an organization for Women and men with an interest in Female Domination.

An organization for Women and men with an interest in Female Domination.

And organization for Women… with an interest in Female Domination.

But only straight Women.  The only Women they want who are interested in Female Domination are the Women who want to dominate a man.  You cannot be a lesbian Domme.  Lesbian Dommes are not welcome.  Female-to-male transgendered people, who — fuck, haven’t we put transgendered people through enough? — identify as male, who live as male, who have undergone surgeries, hormone treatments, legally changed their names and their gender, are not welcome.

Because sorry, you still have a vagina (assuming you don’t want to or are unable to get the sexual reassignment surgery that has serious, sometimes life-threatening, complications more than half the time). And because you were born a biological female, you’re just shit out of luck.

Let’s all take a moment to throw that in their faces, shall we?  Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Male-to-female transgendered people are allowed, but only if they deny their true gender, identify as male while at ClubFem events, and only as long as they have a dick and no tits.  Because they haven’t had enough trouble finding acceptance, and finding a place where they can feel like they belong.

So yeah, if you’re not cisgender, you’re not welcome.  If you’re not a straight or bisexual Dominant, you’re not welcome.

But we celebrate Dominant Women and Female-Led-Relationships!  Yay, us!

How fucking archaic is that?

So Women are superior, and men must serve.  But, with that train of thought, wouldn’t a lesbian or bisexual Domme be more “Dommely,” because she has enslaved a “superior being?”

Right?

Bueller?

No?

Alrighty then.

M’kay, so you have to be straight, you have to be cisgender, and a group dedicated to celebrating Dominant Women and Female-Led-Relationships further ostracizes Dominant Women and Female-Led-Relationships that don’t fit in their perfect little box.

Seriously… I’m still having trouble wrapping my head around this.

So that was my big issue, and by that point, I’d already made the decision that this is not the group for me.  But then the leader (who again, seems like a lovely woman, and has always seemed like a lovely woman, every time I’ve seen her… these aren’t her rules, they’re the national organization’s rules) handed out a sheet of paper with the group rules listed on it.

A few things caught my eye.

First, all men must refer to all women as Mistress (or, if the female prefers a different title, to use that).

Heh, heh, heh….

If you’ve followed my blog for awhile, or if you’ve known me in person for more than a couple of weeks, you know how I feel about honorifics and titles, and that I think it’s laughable for any Dominant to expect every submissive to use a title.

Putting Dominant in front of a name does not a Dominant make.  I don’t want you to call me by a title unless I either own you, or have earned your respect and you ask to use a title because that’s what you’re comfortable with.

What’s more, I will never-mother-fucking-ever require any of my boys to address another Dominant with a title.  Never.

Those men are mine.  You do not get to dictate a goddamn thing to them.  You do not get to tell them what to do, unless I’ve given you my goddamn permission to order them around.  You do not get to tell them what they can and cannot say, and what they can and cannot call you.

They’re not yoursThey don’t belong to you.  They do not submit to you.  Your relationship with them is completely vanilla.  Not even a hint of D/s belongs in your interactions with them.  They have not offered their submission to you, and you will sure as hell not fucking take it without their consent.  As far as you’re concerned, they are vanilla, dominant, Alpha males, and they are every bit your equal.

So the very first event that I would bring one of my boys to would probably end up with me getting kicked out of the group, anyway.  All three of my boys are smartasses, sarcastic, can talk circles around people, and don’t suffer fools for a goddamn millisecond.  And I have no problem watching any one of them completely humiliate a “Dominant” in public.  And if a “Dominant” decided to try and impose her will on one of them, the reaction and ensuing scene would likely be pay-per-view-worthy.

Also, all men must wear collars.  Even uncollared men must wear collars.

Why?  To label them as submissive?  They’re men.  Being male in a ClubFem group already labels them as submissive.  So why the collar?  And how would you know which men are owned and which are available?

Oh wait, I already know the answer to that.  It’s written on my little rule sheet.

Available submissives must wear a pink ribbon around their collar.

I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in.  If you’re a male submissive, and you want to advertise that you’re available, you have to wear a pink ribbon around your collar.

But crossdressing isn’t allowed.

But you have to wear a pretty pink ribbon.

But you can’t be a sissy.

But you have to wear pink.

But don’t cross-dress.

But wear pink.

Seriously, is this for real?  Like, I keep looking around, expecting someone to jump out with hidden cameras or something.

This is for real?

This is a global organization, with chapters all over the world?

No, you’re fucking with me, right?  Come on, you’re totally fucking with me.  You’ve got to be fucking with me.

Please, be fucking with me.

There is another rule, about the men’s dresscode requirements at all ClubFem events, that irritates the fuck out of me.  I’ll type it out word for word.

Males may appear semi-nude or nude at ClubFem parties.  Although men are usually expected to wear a collar and a thong, other appropriate fetish outfits are allowed.  A leash, wrist and ankle cuffs are optional.  Boxer shorts and men’s briefs are not considered appropriate attire under any circumstances.

Okay, so I guess ClubFem has Fightclub rules.  What happens there stays there.  Their membership seems comprised of quite a lot of professionals who rely on some heavy discretion, so it’s taken seriously.  So obviously, while wearing that kind of outfit to a public-ish event might seem intimidating as fuck, you know everyone is there for the same reason, and you can feel assured knowing that it won’t leave the building.

Fucking however…

My men are mine.  They don’t belong to anyone else, and I’ll be damned if anyone else is going to dictate to me what my men can wear to a play partyWhat is deemed an “appropriate fetish outfit?”  If it’s not a T-shirt and jeans, I’m out, bitches.  My loyalty is to my boys, first.  If I don’t want their bodies exposed, regardless of my reasons, it’s my decision.  If I want to keep my boys covered, I’m keeping them covered, and not a single person who has ever existed or will ever exist can dictate to me what my boys are allowed to wear to a play party.

And did you catch that last part?

Boxer shorts and men’s briefs are not considered appropriate attire under any circumstances.

Did you catch that?  Did you see it?  Here, let me show you one more time.

Boxer shorts and men’s briefs are not considered appropriate attire under any circumstances.

Boxer shorts and men’s briefs are not considered appropriate attire under any circumstances.

UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

Okay seriously.  Fuck.  You.

So Sounder, who is going to need fucking surgery and has been wearing his men’s underwear in the meantime, because there’s a goddamn hole (or two) in his abdomen and fluid may or may not be gathering in his scrotum (hence the swelling and the pain), and who legitimately needs the support of the men’s underwear, rather than the thongs he normally wears, would not be welcome to a play party, would not be able to accompany me (remember, you’re not obligated to play at play parties.  You can escort your Owner, you can observe, you can socialize, it’s a social fucking thing.  So a man who may not be physically able to play that week can still come).

Because it doesn’t matter what’s going on with him health-wise.  He’d just have to fucking suck it up.  And potentially risk further injury, or further pain, at the very least.  Or just stay home.  He’s not welcome, because he’s injured, and managing his injury isn’t as important as the BDSM rules.

So who thought it was a good idea to make that blanket statement, completely disregarding potential health concerns or circumstances that may require something more supportive than a thong?  What the fuck is safe, sane, and consensual about that?

This was important enough to someone that they went through all the effort to write that out, to go above and beyond to make it abundantly clear that there is no negotiation, no accommodation for health concerns, regardless of what they may be.

No, seriously.  Fuck you.

So, to recap… In order to be a member of ClubFem, you must be a heterosexual, cisgendered person.  If you’re a submissive, you must be a doormat, forced to be nude, semi-nude, or wear provocative clothing, regardless of your comfort level and emotional/mental ability to handle being presented that way in a public-ish setting, and allow your health to be completely disregarded, and if you’re a Dominant, you must be okay with other people trampling over your authority with your submissives and effectively removing your ability to protect them and lead them within the dynamic you have created.  And you must be completely healthy, and have no health problems that require any sort of special accommodation.

Well, that rules all three of my boys out.  They don’t meet the requirements.  They can’t join.

Does that about cover it?  Anything I missed?

Seriously, I had to leave the room for a minute.  I was choking on the irony.

Fuck every goddamn thing about that.

So ClubFem is not right for me.  They obviously have the right and the freedom to make their club as bigoted as ass-backwards and hypocritical and intolerant and prejudiced as they want.  I have no desire to try and change their minds, I’m not going to start a campaign to “bring them down” or whatever.  That’s their little club, and that’s great.  I don’t agree with them, so I don’t have to attend any of their events.

But I have the right and freedom to point out, loudly, that the organization is bigoted and ass-backwards and hypocritical and intolerant and prejudiced.

I recognize that part of my problem is that I didn’t know anything about ClubFem going in to tonight.  I assumed it was a Femdom organization, and that all Femdoms, and all individuals interested in Female Domination were welcome.  I missed the whole FEM = Females Enslaving Males bit (I’m naturally blonde, after all).

And again, I get it.  But their reason for starting the group was because they didn’t feel accepted when 99.99999% (I may be exaggerating slightly) of the kink community is comprised of male Doms and female submissives.  So they created a space for themselves, they created a place where they could feel welcome, where they didn’t have worry about being looked down on by the majority.

And now, as so often happens in situations like this, they’ve become what they hate.  They were the ostracized minority, and now they ostracize the smaller minority of Femdom enthusiasts who don’t fit in that hetero-shaped, cisgender-shaped box.

Do they have to change?  Absolutely not.  Should they?

Absofuckinglutely.  Yesterday.

And I know I would be ashamed to lead and have my name attached to an organization that is so intolerant.  I didn’t even wait to get home to remove myself from the group and un-RSVP to the event.  I sure as hell don’t want any kind of affiliation with it, and I was kicking myself for not doing some research before going.  I don’t want my name attached to that in any way.

Hell, I’m ashamed to know that the largest organization that represents my way of life is that.  Seriously.  I’m disgusted, repulsed, and saddened by that, and I’m fucking ashamed for my sex (sex, not gender, because in ClubFem, your gender must match your biological sex.  We are Women, hear Us roar.  Rawr).

And what’s worse is this group is growing. More and more people are joining, supporting this organization and what it stands for.

Are you kidding me?

Fucking women, man.

One of my boys noticed on my Fetlife page that I was going to the event, and, having had experience with the organization himself, asked how it went.

I told him it was educational, and that I wouldn’t be going back.

He said, “Why not?  I think I know, but please tell me.”

I gave him the abridged version of what I wrote here.  At the end of all my bitching, he sort of grinned and said, “I figured you would pass out from eye-rolling when I saw your location on Fet.”

There were a few minutes when I thought I might.  Ugh, it was fucking painful.

But he made a good point.  He mentioned seeing for himself the bigotry, the hypocrisy, and the oh-so-rich irony of their politics.

He said, “And it is politics.  They are like if hardcore Republicans were FemDommes.”

And holyfuckingshit, that’s the perfect way to describe them!  Like, that is the perfect way to describe them.  They are the crazy-conservative, Bible-thumping, prejudiced, intolerant, psycho Republicans of the FemDom world.

And when it comes to my way of life, they are the majority.

…. Yay, FemDom…..

15 thoughts on “Not Straight? Not Cis? Not Welcome.

  1. I find this so incredibly sad and yet, I’m not surprised. It has been my experience that any/all groups that are lifestyle related are exclusionary, even when they profess not to be. (Granted the above is an extreme example and the exception, given that they write out, in detail, just how horrid they are.)

    Some years ago I attended a MAsT chapter that claimed to be inclusive and non-judgmental. Their only rule was that attendees had to share an interest in power exchange dynamics. After a time, it was exposed that their vetting process was intended to screen out “the flakes” and, by flakes, they meant: anyone not of their socioeconomic class, people who were not flawless in their social interactions, people who did not have a connection (socially or otherwise) to a current member of the group, etc. In short, they excluded anyone they wanted to.

    BDSM folk are some of the judgiest people I’ve ever met. Again, I find this sad given that we are already judged by outsiders because of WIITWD. It seems to be that we should be extraordinarily accepting, not tolerant, accepting.

  2. Wicked Tigress says:

    Wow. Just wow.

  3. Mic says:

    What an absolute amazing post! Highly entertaining and absolutely true! One of the most profound rants I’ve ever read in my life. Chapeau, Jen!

  4. Wow I am totally at a loss with that. Way back in the day My ex looked into having us join this particular group. Though out local area one . And She nor I would have ever considered it with rules like that. Given most times I am a sissy maid. wow just wow

    • Domina Jen says:

      Yeah it’s awful. I had no idea what it was, and if I had known, I never, EVER would have gone.

      • I swear their not all like that. Me and my ex would not of even considered it. She brought it up after seeing a sissy maid and His Mistress. Who were part of Texas chapter. Wonder if the rules are different for each region?

      • Domina Jen says:

        It’s possible. Although there was an intersexed individual at the meeting, and the leader contacted the main chapter to ask if she was allowed to attend. (According to what she said, I’m taking her word for it) She was told that the individual was allowed to attend because she possessed male genitalia (which the leader thought it appropriate to share publicly at the munch, without permission), and ONLY AS LONG as she possessed male genitalia. If the leader was telling the truth, that was a rule that came down from the main chapter. If the individual ever decides to undergo surgery to have it removed, she will no longer be welcome.

        I’ve spoken to people who have had experience with them in two other states, and had similar stories to tell about those chapters. It’s possible that you found the exception to the rule. It’s possible that other chapters allow sissies and crossdressers, but nowhere on the website, in ANY of the chapters, do they address those whose gender does not match their sex. And here, anyway, a female-to-male submissive would not be welcome. AT ALL. And a male-to-female submissive would be welcome, but only if she keeps male genitalia and never undergoes breast augmentation. From everything I’ve heard and everything I’ve read, that looks to be pretty universal.

        And the no-female-submissive thing is universal. Lesbian FemDom relationships are not welcome. Anywhere. You MUST be in a heterosexual relationship. No matter which chapter you’re in.

      • Still so very odd, to limit or exclude others

  5. Polthus says:

    Amazing rant! So on point…

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