Something you do, or something you are?

Mismatched expectations can and will ruin any relationship. Without fail.

In the context of BDSM and female-led-relationships, those expectations carry a lot of weight.

Now, I’m dipping into semantics here, which makes me cringe, but for the sake of clarity in this post, humor me.

In the wonderful world of Femdom, there are two types of men.  There are submissive men, and there are men who submit.

Stay with me, I have a point, I promise.

For the purpose of this post, there is a difference.

Submitting is something you do.

A submissive is something you are.

One isn’t better than the other.  They’re just different.  A relationship with a submissive man will be different than a relationship with a man who submits.

The same goes for Dominant women, and obviously Dominant women can often have mismatched expectations that contribute to the possible end of a relationship, but for this post, I’m focusing on submissive men.

I think one of the common problems that leads to mismatched expectations is that men don’t realize which type they are.  Because there is a difference.

Submission as a kink is great, and a surprising number of men share that kink.  They want to be talked down to, they want to be humiliated or beaten or kept in chastity or forced out of their comfort zone.  But once the sex is over, once they leave the bedroom, the submissive feelings disappear.

Some people might call these men “bedroom submissives.”  Others may say they’re “sexually submissive.” Some may call them “bottoms” or “kinksters.”  It doesn’t matter what the title is, or how they’re labeled, they feel submissive when they’re horny, and when they want their kinks satisfied.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.  I’m sure as hell in no position to judge someone else for their kinks.

But those men are not submissives.  It’s something they do.

Submissive men, on the other hand, are submissive not necessarily to satisfy a kink, but because being owned in a female-led-relationship is what they crave, at the deepest levels of themselves.  They serve without expectation of having their sexual kinks satisfied.

A good thing to remember is that a FLR does not necessarily have to be a BDSM relationship.  A FLR is exactly that: A Female-Led Relationship.  No more, no less.

Often, D/s is an element added to the FLR, as is BDSM, and then you’ve got the potential TPE thrown in, as well as a bunch of other letters I may be forgetting.

So take the D/s, BDSM, and all the other letters out, and just leave the relationship itself.  Would you still want to serve and be owned, if sex and kink were taken out of the equation?  Would you want to yield to her, would you want to give up control to her?  Would you be happy in that sort of relationship?

Obviously, submissives still have kinks.  I’m not trying to imply that having a kink you want satisfied makes you “not submissive.”  Being submissive doesn’t mean you can’t have kinks, desires, turn-ons, etc.  It just means that your reasons for wanting to serve go further and deeper than having those kinks satisfied.

A submissive man knows that it’s not up to him whether or not his kinks and desires get satisfied. He knows that his kinks and desires take a back seat to making sure her needs, desires, and kinks are met. He knows that it’s completely at her discretion whether he’s rewarded with what he wants.

He knows that she may reward him, if she’s feeling generous and feels like he’s earned it. And she may not. She may decide he hasn’t done enough to warrant a reward. She may have other plans in mind that require his pleasure being temporarily denied. She may just simply not feel like it. Whichever she decides, he knows he must obey, and must give her what she wants, with little to no regard to his needs and desires.

There is a difference between being submissive and wanting kinks satisfied. There’s a difference between submission as something you do and submission as something you are.

The first step toward finding satisfaction within the Femdom world is to figure out which category you belong to. And to be honest with yourself about it.

Now, because I’ve heard this concern from quite a few men in the last few months, I do want to point out a very, very important fact.

Submissive ≠ Doormat

Say it with me, y’all.  And then say it again.

There are a surprising number of men who feel a level of confusion about who they are and what they want in a Femdom relationship, because there’s this mindset that, if a man is submissive, he has to be submissive to everybody.  He has to be a doormat and let people take advantage of him.

He may think, “I feel like I’m submissive, but I can’t be because I don’t let people walk all over me.”

And submissive does not have to be a weak-willed, timid man who can’t stand up for himself.

No.  That is a not a submissive.  That is a doormat.

Now, there are doormats who are submissive.  There are doormats who aren’t.  There are submissives who are doormats.  There are submissives who aren’t.

Not the same thing.

I use my ex as an example.  He was extremely open about being a submissive.  Our male roommate knew.  His friends knew.  Most of his family knew.  Everyone knew.  He never bothered to hide it.

And he was not a doormat.  Quite the opposite, he was pretty fucking obnoxious at times, and very quick to feel like he’d been slighted, and very quick to get confrontational over that imagined insult.  More than once, I had to physically remove him from situations to keep him from getting into a fistfight.  Again.

When a new person found out about him being submissive, there would be any number of reactions.  Sometimes, people would be fascinated and curious.  Sometimes they wouldn’t have any interest, and wouldn’t react much at all.  Sometimes they’d go off on some religious or moral rant.  But the most common question was, “Really?  You’re submissive?”

And every time, he’d nod, gesture to me, and say, “To her.”

Yes, he was submissive.  In and out of the bedroom.  Ours wasn’t a TPE, but it was very much a female-led relationship.

But I was the only one he was submissive to.  With everyone else, he was assertive and aggressive, and kind of a dick.

I hasten to point out that not being open doesn’t mean you’re not submissive. That’s not why I use him as the example.

I use him as the example because he so clearly illustrates how someone can be submissive and your typical, assertive, macho Alpha male.

So not knowing whether you submit or whether you’re submissive can cause issues within a relationship.  You need to know which you are.  You need to know where your desire comes from.

And you need to make sure any potential Dominant knows which you are.  If you’re not a submissive, and she’s looking for a TPE,

image (1)So make sure that’s known from the very beginning. There’s enough else to complicate a D/S relationship. There’s no reason to add to that by having mismatched expectations.

2 thoughts on “Something you do, or something you are?

  1. Very well said. Sometimes people do confuse doormat with submissive.

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