FLR without chastity?

The last couple of weeks or so, I’ve been engaged in casual correspondence with a very young man (we’ll just call him N) interested in joining his local scene and serving a Domme locally (he doesn’t live anywhere near me).

He originally contacted me to ask for advice meeting people. Being under 21 makes going to most munches difficult, being that young makes being taken seriously difficult  (been there, done that), and his experience up to this point has been extremely limited. All of those factors, plus a couple more he’s requested remain private, make for a very frustrated submissive.

I can understand that. Wading through the waist-high sea of bullshit in any dating scene is irritating, but with all of the added elements and intricacies of a D/S relationship, things can get tough.

I get it. I feel for you.

However…

An interesting topic came up early in our conversations. He made the comment that every Domme he’s talked to required chastity, or, at the very least, some form of orgasm control. He said he feels like pretty much every Domme requires this in their relationships.

Yeah… and the sky is blue. What’s your point?

Chastity is a hard limit for him. More so than that, orgasm denial or orgasm control of any sort is a hard limit for him.

This comment was made in passing, in a longer email about something else, but it caught my attention, and I asked about it.

He said,”I don’t need to give up access to my dick to prove my loyalty.”

Um…. what?

Now I do want to point out that there’s nothing he’s said up to this point that makes me doubt his loyalty to a potential Domme, or his intentions.

But a FLR without orgasm control? What does that even look like?

I mean, I understand it in casual weekend-type relationships. But in a full-time FLR?

I just couldn’t get my head around it. So that spurred a discussion about how orgasms affect a man’s mental and emotional state, how keeping him denied benefits both him and his Dominant.

And I don’t know, everyone is different. It’s entirely possible that orgasms don’t affect him the way they affect most men. It’s entirely possible that he’s the poster boy for perfect submission even without orgasm control.

But, as I pointed out to him, many Dominant women prefer to control that aspect of a man’s life. Even in my own relationships, where a complete TPE is my eventual goal, orgasm control is a requirement. I prefer chastity, and keeping my boys caged, but will allow the honor system as well, depending on the boy and the situation.

But for me, it’s not a matter of trust, anyway. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a boy if I didn’t trust him.

No, it’s something I require because it’s hot to deny him access to his own body. There’s a difference between not cumming because he has been told not to, and not cumming because he can’t. It’s a pretty significant difference, actually.

I want to control every aspect of my subs’ lives. Of course I want to control his access to his cock. I want him to be dependent on me for that pleasure.

I couldn’t take him seriously in the long term if orgasm control wasn’t an option. I wouldn’t be as interested in a relationship if my level of control was limited.

Of course, I don’t speak for every Domme, and I’m sure there are female-led-relationships that don’t incorporate chastity or orgasm control. But I’ve never come across one.

16 thoughts on “FLR without chastity?

  1. subhubphx says:

    Such an excellent post Domina Jen. I wholeheartedly agree. One of the anchor points of my own FLM was the absolute and complete transfer of ownership of my orgasms, my sex, my genitals and my body to my Mistress Wife. We even wrote it into our vows when we had our collaring ceremony. I can tell from first hand experience that only being allowed access to my genitals, or only being allowed to orgasms when, and if Mistress K. believes it is warranted, has had an absolute and positive effect on our marriage. I am happily and naturally in a constant state of arousal and 100% of that arousal is directed only toward my Mistress. I am not required to wear a cage in order to enforce my chastity. It is something I have demonstrated that I can and will do voluntarily. So much so in fact that I honestly feel that if I were to defy my Mistress and have an orgasm of my own choice, without authorization or supervision, it would be akin to infidelity in my marriage.

    Excellent post Domina Jen. Thank you.

    • Domina Jen says:

      I can understand that, absolutely. It’s a big point in my marriage and my other relationships, as well. There are just so many advantages to keeping a submissive man aroused and frustrated, and it really does benefit both the Domme and the sub. It’s such an easy way to keep a degree of sexual tension in the relationship, keeping both partners present and focused. And I love how seriously you take your chastity. Reading that sentence made me smile, and I don’t want to put words in your Mistress’ mouth, but I’m sure she’s very proud of that.

  2. Tom Allen says:

    He’s under 21? I’m a bit north of that, but I remember how hormone-driven I was during those years. At his point in life, he’s probably more driven by kink and horniness, and any sub desires he has would likely be over-ridden by those urges.

    • Domina Jen says:

      Yeah I wondered about that. Although more so than his age, I think it’s just a lack of experience coloring his perception. He’s never been in a stable, longterm D/S relationship, so he doesn’t really understand firsthand how it affects him. He said that his orgasms have never diminished his desire, and I have no reason to doubt him. But being kept aroused and frustrated, and being made to depend on his Domme for that pleasure has an effect that was surprisingly hard for me to explain. It’s like trying to explain the color red to a blind person.

      • Ace Blank says:

        What if he’s asexual? What purpose would this serve?

      • Domina Jen says:

        If he’s asexual, chastity wouldn’t serve much of a purpose, but a) the young man I wrote about was very much NOT asexual, and b) if someone is asexual, I still don’t understand why it would be a hard limit.

        I can’t speak for other Dommes, but for me, the hottest part about chastity is simply the fact that I’m taking away his access to his own body. It’s not necessary in the day-to-day of my relationships, my boys are obedient and don’t touch themselves without permission, anyway.

        But my boys understand that, for me, there’s a goddamn MASSIVE difference between not doing something because you’ve been told not to, and not doing something because you can’t. It’s a control thing.

        If he’s obedient (or asexual), and not in chastity, he still has that control. I want to take it from him. And again, if he’s asexual, I don’t understand why it would need to be a hard limit, anyway.

  3. wifey says:

    Hi Ms. Jen!

    You stated:

    An interesting topic came up early in our conversations. He made the comment that every Domme he’s talked to required chastity, or, at the very least, some form of orgasm control. He said he feels like pretty much every Domme requires this in their relationships.

    I’m going to assume that because of the above that the young man has given serious thought to the situation and has decided he doesn’t want to participate in chastity/orgasm denial. To expound upon Tom’s point, I remember when I was 21 and testosterone/hormone driven. I was horny all the time and had a very quick recovery time (without any outside influence). Back then I had very little (if any) refractory time between orgasms. But things change as one gets older. Most likely right now this young man is horny all the time and he feels like he can participate in a D/s relationship without having his orgasms controlled and still be a good sub.

    He is very young and probably doesn’t understand the mental sexual satisfaction he can achieve without being directly stimulated either. He’s probably never been required to go down on a woman to give her multiple orgasms and then left without release because that’s what she wanted. He’s not familiar with subjugating his physical desire for stimulation/release to achieve a deep submissive satisfaction that comes with pleasing a Domme without direct physical stimulation. It’s not that he wouldn’t enjoy it, he’s just never done it before.

    So if you add up the facts that he is: 1) a complete novice, 2) is a young man that is testosterone driven, 3) probably has very limited experience with the mental aspects of sex, then what you have is someone that wouldn’t willingly give up his right to orgasm. If he has submissive tendencies and wants to please then a Domme that would like to take him on should be able to explain to him why this aspect of the relationship is needed by her.

    As Tom mentioned it could be that the whole idea of FemDom or FLR is completely kink driven; maybe he’s not really submissive, he just wants to play that part in the bedroom. But I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt on that. I don’t know him and I will assume he has submissive tendencies. However, I do have to say that it seems odd that he would make this a “hard limit”. Does he not trust himself? Does he fear not being able to orgasm? Is it possible that he orgasms daily (or multiple times a day) and thinks he wouldn’t be able to handle not doing that? *shrug* Only he can answer that. If he’s saying that this is a hard limit then I’m sure he has a reason. What is his stated reasoning?

    • Domina Jen says:

      I definitely understand where you’re coming from, and the possibility of him not wanting to be in a FLR, but just to be submissive in the bedroom was the first thing that crossed my mind. But he insists that he does want a full FLR.

      He’s intelligent and seems to have thought this through quite a bit, which is a big part of the reason I’ve had such a difficult time trying to explain why it’s such a common core of so many Femdom relationships.

      He has brought up the very short downtime and the fact that orgasming doesn’t diminish his desire, and that he can reach multiple orgasms without needing much of a break between them (oh, to be 19 again!).

      As far as his reasons, the only one he’s consistently given is that he doesn’t need to give up control of his body to prove his submission. I feel like he’s used to being able to satisfy his physical desires anytime he wants (which is quite often), and feels that being frustrated and denied is a negative thing.

      And trying to explain why feeling frustration, sometimes even feeling real, genuine, unpleasant frustration, is a good thing, has taxed my brain. This is a conversation weeks long, now.

      I think you’re right, that he doesn’t have experience with the me talking aspects of a D/S relationship, and is focused on the physical. Which is understandable, and very common among new submissive men, regardless of their age. It finally got to the point where I had to tell him he just needs to give it a chance, look at it with an open mind, and let a Domme take him on that journey.

      Or find a Domme who is interested in a FLR without chastity.

  4. Obviously 21 year old hormones are talking not the submissive brain.

    • Domina Jen says:

      I think that’s a part of it, sure. But more than that, I think it’s just being inexperienced and a little bit arrogant. He doesn’t understand yet why giving up control of his body makes such a big difference. But I’m sure he will soon.

  5. Michelle says:

    Are you considering this boy as your sub? If not, what is your level of interest in him given how much time you have put into conversing with him?

    • Domina Jen says:

      No, I’m not considering him to be my sub. I’ve already got my three boys.

      My interest in conversing with him is just as a friend and someone to give advice and guidance.

      • Michelle says:

        You might want to consider telling him that it is not about loyalty, but about sacrifice. A submissive boy should make sacrifices to his Domme. Amongst the greatest of these sacrifices – especially for hormonally super–charged, ever-hard, horny teenage boy – is male chastity. He is probably accustomed to multiple daily ejactulations. It sounds as if he is unwilling to significantly reduce that output (pun intended), and he does not understand how beautiful and important that sacrifice is to a dominant Woman.

  6. As submissive as I am, I can’t really wrap my head around the notion of my Dominant not having control of my orgasms. If that is what she wants. Every Dominant woman I have practically ever served has had control of them. Even in the D/s Relationships where it wasn’t sexual. Hell My Former Dominant Lesbian Domme had control of them. It’s more about the power and trust than the sex.

    • Domina Jen says:

      I agree… it’s always been a pretty fundamental part of my D/s relationships, whether or not they were sexual.

      • Sarah says:

        What an amazing article! I wrote a comment on another article on your blog about how I managed to get my husband pierced and locked in secure steel device, despite his genuine dislike of it! 🙂 I’d have to agree with the comments of Michelle above, this young man needs to understand that male chastity is an absolute fundamental requirement to a FLR, it’s like the meat in a hamburger, you can’t omit it! My husband honestly doesn’t like being in chastity, but the effects of it are why he’s so powerless now to say no (not that I’d ever take no for an answer as I’m a very strict enforcer of it). I would challenge any man’s claims they don’t need it to remain submissive because they’re young, have a high drive, etc.. as utter nonsense. There’s a big difference between going weeks without an orgasm and going a day or 2, no matter your sex drive; if anything, the higher your drive, the more effective it’ll be.

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