Ask a FinDomme

Domina Jen,

I’ve been reading your blog for a long time and I just love it.  I just want to say that I love how matter-of-fact you are in your posts when you talk about your life and I love how direct you are when answering questions that people send you.  You come across as genuine and honest and I respect that.  I’ve always been submissive but have never really known what to make of that part of myself and reading your blog as well as others has helped me a lot.

But I was confused when I read your Fetlife profile and it says that you’re a FinDomme and that you expect tributes from people who message you, and you’re only looking for paysubs.  And that you sell panties and things.  It just seems to completely contradict the way you are on the blog and I was wondering if you could shed some light on that.

Respectfully,

A fan

First of all, thank you for the kind words about my blog.  I definitely appreciate you reading it.

Secondly, ladies and gentlemen, I am a FinDomme.

Cue the gasps.

If you haven’t seen my Fetlife profile, and would like to look at it, you can find it here.  It’s not hard to find.  My name there is the same as my name here, and on Twitter, and everywhere else.

And yes, I do demand tributes up front from those looking to be a paysub of mine.  It’s a very common practice among FinDommes, although not all of them require it.

I think a big part of your confusion comes from the kind of FinDomme that often draws so much controversy.  Because yes, there are a slew of young, pretty women who read about the fetish and think, “I can get a rich guy to give me money just because I have a vagina, and I don’t have to get a real job?  Awesome!”

Those women, for the most part, have no genuine interest in the fetish, the unique bond and relationship it fosters, and the realm of Femdom in general.  They are quite literally doing it “just for the money.”

And that’s looked down upon.  Although I can’t figure out why.  Does it really matter what her reasons are?  She is satisfying the fetish of a paysub, and she’s enjoying herself.  Both members are happy with the arrangement.  So I can’t figure out why that’s considered a bad thing.

And then, there’s the type of woman I have never actually come across, but hear about from quite a few disgruntled submissive men.  This woman does not advertise herself as being a FinDomme or ProDomme, but still requires a tribute, and is only interested in dominating men for money.

Again, I have not come across this woman personally, but apparently they’re out there in troves.

There are also ProDommes out there who are not lifestyle Dommes, and are simply doing it for the money.  And again, who cares why she’s doing it?  If she’s good at it, then she’ll continue to have men who want to pay for sessions with her, and their needs will be satisfied.  And her needs are satisfied by the financial aspect.  Both win.  Why is that a bad thing?

Obviously, I am none of these women.  I am a lifestyle Dominant, and I dominate boys because I want to, because it turns me on, and because it’s fucking fun.

I am also a FinDomme, and I was a ProDomme once upon a time.

There have been plenty of people who lost respect for me when they found out about the FinDomme and ProDomme things.  There have been plenty of times I haven’t cared.  Both are looked down on throughout the community.  Even the owner of the local group I helped run had to create a post specifically for FinDommes and ProDommes, prohibiting them from advertising or talking about themselves in the group.

I don’t care.  I don’t apologize for who I am and what I do and don’t feel the need to justify it to anyone else.  The only opinions I care about are mine and the boys I own.

But while I won’t go the ProDomme route again, I absolutely don’t regret doing it, and actually enjoyed myself 75% of the time.  Think about your day job.  Can you really say you enjoy yourself 75% of the time in your day job?  Sure, I had the occasional boring customer, or the weird/creepy/gross fetish here and there that I had to pretend I gave a fuck about, but for the most part, I loved my customers.

There are a couple of regular customers that I still talk to, all these years later.  Southern is one of those customers, and he’s actually coming back to visit me again later this year (yay!).

There is a big difference between being a lifestyle Domme and being a ProDomme.  The goal when you’re a ProDomme is to satisfy the specific fetishes that the customer wants satisfied.  You’re basically doing what you’re told.  Still a hell of a lot of fun, and with people like Southern and the other boy I still talk to, our kinks overlapped to the point that I had a lot of room to do what I wanted while still making sure they were satisfied.

So it was fun.  I enjoyed it.  And in a city with a 10% unemployment rate at the time (still better than the 13% in Vegas at the time), when all I could get was a minimum-wage job that didn’t cover my bills even when working 80 hours a week, it helped me keep my apartment.  I made more money ProDomming three times a week than I did working full time.

I sort of fell into FinDom by accident years and years and years ago, and have dabbled in it off and on since then.  I met a boy who had a FinDom fetish, and I fell in love with the unique bond that it fosters.  It’s something you can’t get anywhere else, and it’s awesome.

But a lot of people don’t realize there is a difference between a ProDomme and a FinDomme.  Everyone is aware of what a ProDomme is.  It’s a woman who dominates others for money.  She provides a service, and her customers pay her for that service.

A FinDomme is not a ProDomme.  Because Google is your friend, I’ve copied and pasted the very first result that comes up when googling FinDom.

FinDom is a specific kind of fetish in which a sub derives an erotic thrill from relinquishing control of their finances to a financial domme, which is where the practice derives its name.

ProDomme and FinDomme: Not the same thing.  FinDom is a fetish.

A legitimate one.

Yes, y’all.  There are actually subs out there who actually get off on having their money taken from them.  And the specifics of their fetish vary.  Some prefer the snobby, bratty, self-entitled types of FinDommes (which I am obviously not).  Some prefer the superior, Goddess types.  Some prefer being ordered to give over cash or sending money electronically through a service like GiftRocket.  Some prefer being made to purchase specific items or paying specific bills.  Most prefer being humiliated during the interactions, while some don’t, and instead get off on the adrenaline rush, particularly as the amounts demanded increase.  They’re all different.

I state on my profile that I’m only looking for paysubs, and that’s all I want right now.  And you wanted to know why.

And the reason is very simple.  You subs are a needy lot.  It’s a big part of what’s so endearing about you, and part of the reason why I am interested in pursuing relationships with exclusively submissive men.  I love encouraging that neediness.  I love feeding it, making it grow.

However, that neediness means that you require a lot of time.  Taking on a sub is a big commitment, and one I take seriously.  If I don’t have the time and energy to commit to that kind of relationship, I won’t take it on.  What’s the point of owning a sub if you’re not going to take the time to train him properly?  Where’s the fun in that?

At the moment, I don’t have the time to take on another sub.  I’m not looking for one, and I’m not interested in one.  I have my boys, I’m happy with my boys, and I am not in the market for any more.

Paysubs, on the other hand, are a different kind of commitment.  Most of the time (but not all of the time), they tend to fall a bit outside the commonly-accepted boundaries of Femdom.  FinDom is often their only kink, and they don’t foster any particularly submissive feelings outside of that.  Some will incorporate other aspects of Femdom, of course, like chastity, tease and denial, all kinds of humiliation, etc.  But they’re not easily grouped together with the more common male submissives.

More often than not, FinDom relationships tend to take place long-distance, and usually require a lot less as far as time and emotional investment.  My last relationship with a paysub, we only spoke two or three times a week, and then whenever I demanded he send me money.  He lived a long distance from me, we never met in person, and we were both fine with that.

Sometimes, FinDom relationships can be local.  Both Sounder and Sissy started off as a kind of paysub.  They both messaged me, paid the initial tribute, and paid another tribute when I met them in person.  However, as I spent more time with them, a more traditional Femdom relationship started growing, and I just stopped demanding tribute.  It wasn’t any conscious decision on my part, really, it’s just how the relationship progressed.

This wasn’t too long after things with zane didn’t work out, so I happened to have the time to devote to a more traditional Femdom relationship.  It all worked out.

Side note: I absolutely fucking love the phrase “traditional Femdom relationship.”  So many kinds of awesome.

So I think that’s where a lot of the confusion comes from.  People read “FinDomme” on my profile and assume that you have to pay to serve me.  And that’s not the case.  If you’re not a paysub, then FinDom isn’t a shared fetish, and I won’t “charge” for my time.  If you are a paysub, then I’m knowledgeable and experienced in the fetish, I love the fetish and the unique bond it creates, and I genuinely enjoy what I’m doing.

So yes, I’m a FinDomme.  I enjoy being a FinDomme.  I have no intention of stopping.

And as far as selling panties/socks/stockings/whatever, why the hell not?

I can’t think of a single reason why not.  There are literally vending machines in other countries where men can purchase used panties.  It’s kind of a huge fucking thing.  But for some reason, in the US, it’s looked down upon.

There seem to be a lot of things that are looked down upon.  I think it’s the product of people being too goddamn bored and looking for things to be offended by.

The bottom line is that there are men who want to purchase panties that have been worn by a woman.  I’ve shoved my panties in Kazander’s mouth before, so what’s the difference in shoving them into an envelope instead, and letting someone else shove them in their mouth?

I’ve got the recent doctor’s records to prove that I’m clean and disease-free (and I get re-tested every year, despite the fact that I haven’t had PIV sex, anal sex, or given a blowjob in a couple of years, and have no intention of breaking that streak anytime in the foreseeable future), it turns on the guys who buy them, and I get around a $25 profit after the cost of the panties and the cost to mail them.  Everyone wins.  I don’t know why more women don’t do it.  It’s just a little bit of effort for an easy $25.  That’s half a tank of gas.

Yes, please, and it’s a pleasure doing business with you.

Now, sometimes I do get the strange (and sometimes downright creepy) requests, but as long as they’re reasonable, I’ll accommodate them, and adjust my price accordingly (the most common request is for the panties I’ve worn during the sessions I’ve written about here).  In those situations, it’s usually a bit more work, but I get more profit and the guy gets what he wants.  Everyone wins.

So hell yes I sell panties to those interested in buying them.  I don’t understand why more women don’t.

2 thoughts on “Ask a FinDomme

  1. Mena says:

    Hello, I am new to the online findomme scene. So my question once I have a sub getting ahold of me how do I get him to pay up while making the relationship grow? What questions should I ask before I get him to tribute or should I just make him tribute before even talking with him? After he tributes then what? I have some experience of findomme from years of being a stripper and also men that I have been with, and actually being a dominatrix, but doing this online with people I do not know is knew to me.

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