Kazander slept on the couch last night.
No, not because of a fight or anything. But because he fell asleep, which he does a lot, and he is a remarkable pain in the ass to wake back up to get into the bedroom once he’s fallen asleep, and frankly I kind of like being able to sprawl out in the middle of the bed and not worry about him hogging it and unconsciously trying to push me off of it. So after one or two failed attempts, I’ll just plug his phone into his laptop and sit it on the coffee table, set his alarm to go off in the morning, and let him sleep.
This happened last night. So in the morning, when he called to wake me up, he mentioned that he must’ve slept wrong, and his entire left side hurts, that it even hurts to breathe.
I did the whole supportive-spouse-noncommital-expression-of-sympathy thing, and then we went about our days.
Then, about 2:30, he texted me again.
Dude. My side hurts really fucking bad.
And I was immediately on high alert. I mean, don’t get me wrong, kazander will complain til he’s blue in the face if he’s sore or in any kind of pain. But just the way he said that sort of set off alarm bells. That, and the whole pain-on-the-left-side-of-the-body thing was concerning.
So I asked him where, exactly, it hurt. He replied that it was all along his ribs, and a little bit in his shoulder, but not his arm. I obviously told him he needed to go to the doctor. When he said, “I’m thinking about it,” I was genuinely shocked.
Kazander doesn’t like doctors. He doesn’t go to doctors. He could literally break a toe and just deal with the pain. You know, forever. Because they don’t heal right. Because he’d rather deal with that than go to the doctor.
Because he’s an idiot.
So the fact that it was hurting badly enough for him to consider going to the doctor was all I needed to know. I told him to stop thinking about it and go to the ER. Now. I’d get rid of the spawn and meet him there. I had already texted his sister to let her know I was bringing the kid over.
He replied, “I’m gonna come home and grab my insurance card and go to urgent care.”
No the fuck you’re not.
“Dude. You’re having chest pain. On the left side. Radiating up into your shoulder. Urgent Care is going to tell you to go to the ER. That is their policy. And then they’ll charge you for the office visit (kazander is… shall we say… inordinately parsimonious. Reminding him that he’ll have to spend money unnecessarily is a good way to get his attention). They don’t have any equipment there to find out what’s causing the pain, anyway. Go to the ER.”
The fact that he didn’t argue the point further was yet another red flag. He got home just as I was finishing getting the kid ready. I dropped her off with his sister, then drove him to the ER.
Of course, he was having chest pain so there was no wait. They took him back and did an EKG immediately. Thankfully, his heart is fine. So they did blood work and took Xrays, and we had nothing to do but wait.
Oh, but he got his first IV, ever, in his life. So listening to him whine and complain about that was entertaining. Although, I will say, his did seem to have more complications than most of mine did. I’m no stranger to IVs, and the nurse put his right on the inside of his elbow. I’ve had IVs there plenty of times. I prefer the back of my hand, but the inside of the elbow is good, too.
But once they started the drugs, he had to keep his arm straight. Like, super fucking straight, or the little catheter would kink, and the meds wouldn’t go through. Which was odd, I don’t remember ever having to hold my arm out at an uncomfortable angle like that.
Anyway, he has pneumonia in his left lung. Which, considering a heart attack and ruptured spleen were legitimate possibilities, is a relief.
The bastard has pneumonia in his left lung. And they said, since he has a fever, he’s contagious. They sent him home with a couple of prescriptions and told him to rest.
So the spawn is spending the night with his sister, and I’m Lysol-ing every fucking square millimeter of this house, and bought a fucking half-gallon of hand sanitizer.
I’m not playing around. We’re supposed to go to San Diego in five days. The room has already been booked, the tickets have already been bought, and I can’t get it refunded. So he’s just going to have to will himself to get better.
He’s a heavy smoker (even I didn’t realize how heavy, until I heard him tell the nurse how much he smokes a day. So regardless of what happens with his health, that’s changing) which is probably what caused the sudden and severe pain. But hopefully by giving him the round of IV drugs, he’ll get better faster.
It’s a bummer, because sissy really shouldn’t come over on Friday night. Even if his fever is gone by then, sissy has a lot on her plate. She damn sure doesn’t need to bring pneumonia home. I wouldn’t feel comfortable risking it.
Still, I haven’t seen her in like eight months, and I miss the sexy little slut, so we’ll plan on grabbing some dinner or going out for drinks instead.
It slightly messes up my plans for Sunday, too. I was going to have sounder give kazander head, but again, even if his fever is gone by then, I just don’t want to take him to sounder’s house, and potentially bring pneumonia with him. So sounder is probably a bit relieved for that. Oh, but I’ll still go over and do wicked things to him. There won’t be any forced bi, but I have other things I can do.
So that’s going on. We’ll see what happens. But by God, we are going to the damn zoo next week.