30 Days of Kink: Day 20

Talk about something within kink/BDSM that you’re curious about or don’t understand.

Well, that’s easy.


I don’t understand them.  I don’t understand the thought process, I don’t understand the ability (or desire, for that matter) to go from one end of the whip to the other.

Kazander has switchy tendencies, and I asked him about it, asked him what it is that makes him want to switch.

He says he’s not a switch, but he does occasionally like being in charge because there are certain things he enjoys that he just can’t do otherwise.  The example he gave was giving me oral.  He likes to keep going, just as hard (or harder) once I’ve had an orgasm, and sometimes it takes all my post-orgasm strength to push him off of me, because it’s just too sensitive.  But when he’s in charge, he doesn’t have to stop.  He can keep going for as long as he wants (because he’s a bastard).

He also pointed out that, while I’m most certainly not a fan of switching, I do tend to have some pretty intense orgasms when he’s in charge, because he’ll tease me and keep me horny and frustrated all day.  He can’t do that when I’m in charge (mostly because I would shove my knee-high boot up his ass if he tried).

But we do switch for his birthday.  And it’s not something I’m good at.  I make a fucking terrible sub.  You could call it bratty, but I think even “bratty” is a step up from what I do.

And I try.  It’s one of the only things he ever asks for, and it’s once a year, so yeah I try.  I want to be able to give that to him.  But I’m not very good at it.  There are a lot of eye rolls and words murmured under my breath, and a lot of half-assed submission.  Once, he was able to get me into subspace, which was pretty cool.  But, while it’s never as bad as I think it’s going to be in the weeks leading up to it, and while there are certain parts of it that do turn me on, it’s just not my thing.  I feel like I have to shut down certain parts of my brain to do it, and I can’t just switch back and forth.  Like, it takes me a day or two to go from one to the other.

So the people who can switch, and who want to switch, are people I don’t understand (I hasten, at this point, to add that I have no problem whatsoever with switches, I’ve known lots of awesome switches, and they’re just as good or bad as any other orientation.  I don’t have a problem of any kind with them.  I just don’t understand them).

I’ve always been completely, obnoxiously Dominant.  That’s just who I am.  The idea of submitting to someone else is so foreign and alien to me, it’s like my entire fucking soul recoils from it.  And assertive, obnoxious, dominant-type men turn me off.  It used to be that just sexual dominance and assertiveness turned me off.  But as time goes on, that has more or less bled over into other areas, as well (and I’m not implying that submissive men aren’t strong and assertive in their everyday life. They absolutely are. My boys are prime examples of that… It’s a completely different energy, and this is a relatively new feeling, and I’m still figuring it out. So just nod and smile and give me the benefit of the doubt until I figure it out and then figure out how to properly articulate it in a post).

I am not attracted to Alpha Males, or the idea of giving up control.  I love submissive boys.  I love when they yield to me.  It’s the sweetest drug, and I’m completely addicted.

I couldn’t imagine ever wanting to switch.  So I’ve always been curious about the thought process of a switch.  I’ve always wondered how that works, how those desires interact with one another.  One of these days I’m going to have to find a switch, sit them down, and pick their brain.

7 thoughts on “30 Days of Kink: Day 20

  1. I can fully understand about being curious about the thought process of a switch. Some have termed me a switch. Even though I identify as a sub. Though mostly because some cannot grasp a sub who likes to do rope rigging and can at times be a bit a sadist but in a nice way. I think they confuse sadism with dominance.
    Honestly most of the Dominants I have had relationships with if not all of them, Had the tendency to want to switch either with me or someone else. Especially if I wasn’t comfortable switching with them.

    • Domina Jen says:

      I’ve seen that confusion with sadism and Dominance before. And while, for me, anyway, they are somewhat connected (I’m a sadist not necessarily because of the causing pain, itself, but because I adore the reactions of a boy who can’t get away, because I adore seeing pain and fear and dread on his face, as he comes to terms with the knowledge that he’s completely at my mercy). So for me, my sadism and Dominance are connected, but I’ve known Dominant masochists, and I’ve known submissive sadists. They’re not always the same thing.

      You’re actually the second person in a short time to tell me that a lot of the Dominants you’ve served have wanted to switch, wanted you to take control. And for the life of me, I don’t understand that. What was it about those situations that made them want you to take on that Dominant role? If they didn’t identify as switches, what made them want to be submissive? Did they ever explain their reasoning to you?

      • Some did or tried too, For some they say that they felt i wanted it. Others said it was something they wanted that they liked the occasional loss of power. It’s an odd thing so to speak in ways.
        Nothing quite like hearing one of them talk about how alpha they are and knowing they switch.

  2. Zed says:

    I agree with you….I think your act of switching is just a gift of a dominant person….not the same as really submitting. But I guess you do what you can! x

  3. Margin says:

    I’m a switch and I thought I would add my perspective.
    When I sub, it is about serving. Getting into that subby space is about casting my will aside in service of someone else. Being forced, helped really, into serving them is a nice aid in putting me into that sub space where my desire to insert my dick into something warm doesn’t matter. All that matters is their happiness.

    When I Dom, it kindof about service too. Me serving my desires and me serving my sub. I get into their mind, which isn’t hard because I usually think they way they do, and I set up camp. I like to help them become better. I serve them by knowing their limits and their triggers and their hot buttons. I press them, and I take away their will, and I love to see them in that space. I love to see them squirm and struggle. Part of why I love it is because I know they yearn for it. I couldn’t be a Dom to someone who wasn’t genuinly into what I was going to do to them – even if they are only into it because it brings me pleasure.

    No matter the role, I believe we’re all humans with a larger purpose of serving one another. But then again, I’m a kinky freak. So who knows if that is just my perverted mind talking myself into something that sounds good.

    I love Your blog, Domina. Thank You for everything You do.

    • Domina Jen says:

      Alright, I can understand that. The way you describe your desires and what drives you in each role makes a lot of sense. I can’t relate to it emotionally, but it’s something I can understand on an intellectual level. So thank you for explaining it. And thank you for your kind words!

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