What are your views on the ethics of kink?
I’m going to bypass the whole SSC and RACK conversation. Because that’s all too general, and it’s been ground into the dirt to the point that it’s pretty much meaningless.
My views on the ethics of kink are relatively simple. First and foremost, consent is paramount. Without consent, it’s assault, or molestation, or rape. Consensual non-consent is hot as fuck, but that’s as far as it should go. The one being used needs to be okay with being fucking used.
I’m not a fan of excessive public play, and I don’t think it’s ethical. You’re involving the general public in something they may not want to be involved in. And come on, that’s a douchebag move. You’re not “exercising your rights” by parading down the sidewalk on all fours and a dog mask, being led on a leash by a scantily-clad woman in leather. You’re just being a dick.
And then, in the highly unlikely scenario that something goes wrong, now you’ve just involved any passersby in what could potentially be a crime. If you’re spanking a sub in the middle of the mall, and suddenly he safewords, and you decide you don’t want to stop, you just crossed the line into assault, and now everyone standing around is witness to a crime. Save that for play parties, dungeons, and fetish parties. It’s more fun there, anyway.
Also, pushing hard limits in the middle of a scene is something I’ve seen surprisingly often, and it shocks and angers me every damn time. I mean, a hard limit is a hard fucking limit. A Dominant should fucking respect it. Don’t fucking push hard limits. Leave them the fuck alone. If you have to push hard limits, and make a sub feel legitimately uncomfortable and afraid (and not in the good, sexy way) then you have no business being a Dominant. Now, obviously, if you discuss it beforehand, and the sub agrees to let it be pushed, that’s one thing. But at that point, it’s a soft limit, not a hard limit. And there’s a difference. Don’t just randomly start pushing hard limits out of the blue during a session. You’re fucking with another human being’s head. Just don’t fucking do it.
My expectations of Dominants are really fucking high. And I think Dominants should meet those expectations. If you can’t/don’t, then don’t be a Dominant. Don’t take control of another human if you can’t control yourself. Discipline, y’all.
Honest, frank communication is vital. Be honest about your experience, your knowledge, your ability. If you don’t know the first thing about fire play. Don’t try fire play. And no, reading an article on the internet doesn’t count. If you don’t know how to do something and want to learn, find someone local to teach you. Not knowing something doesn’t make you somehow “less Dominant.” And when you lie about your knowledge, you’re putting whoever agrees to play with you at risk. And if a sub gets hurt, whose fault is it? If a relationship fails because you were dishonest, it’s your fault, and you could potentially fuck up a human being by doing it.
But to be fair, that honest, frank communication goes for subs, too. If you have any limitations, any concerns, any fears/phobias/nuances/whatthefuckever, speak up. A perfect example of this was illustrated a year or so ago, when a sub friend of mine went on a date with her new Dom. They’d only been playing a short time, maybe a couple of weeks at the most. He took her out to dinner, and ordered for her. She has celiac disease. She didn’t say anything before or after he placed the order, because she didn’t want to make a scene or be “confrontational.” So she ate it, hoping that she wouldn’t react, because apparently sometimes she doesn’t have a reaction.
Wanna guess whose fault it was that she got sick that night?
If you’re a sub, speak the fuck up. Making sure your needs are met does not make you “less submissive.” If you’re in a relationship, and feel that your Dominant is treating you unfairly, or if there’s something that’s really bothering you, speak the fuck up. The Dominant will never know anything’s wrong if you don’t. And if she doesn’t know anything’s wrong, she can’t be expected to fix it. So when the relationship fails, whose fault is it? Communication is the framework that you build your relationship on. Both sides need it. And both sides need to be honest about it.
So I guess that’s about all I can think of for right now. Consent. Honesty. Integrity. Self-respect and self-discipline. Making sure everyone is on the same page. All of that fun stuff.