The difference between boys and girls

So I was talking with kazander the other night, and we got on the subject of male subs and female subs, and the differences between them.

Specifically, the difference in frequency of orgasms.

With female subs, it’s quite common to give her orgasms. It’s quite common to give her multiple orgasms. On any given day, a hefty number of collared sub girls can realistically expect at least one orgasm from her Dominant.

Sure, girls in chastity exist, and orgasm denial exists with girls, but it’s not as prevalent as it is with sub boys.

And he asked why.

Well, the obvious answer is that letting him (or any boy) cum kind of ruins my mood. I know he’s not going to feel submissive, and that our play is pretty much done, and it’s going to take a few days of effort to get him back where I want him.

Women don’t have that problem. Orgasms don’t necessarily diminish desire and submissiveness in girls. Depending on the girl, multiple orgasms can make her even more slutty and submissive, which is awesome. I played with a girl for awhile who became that soft, sweet pile of subby goo after a few orgasms, so guess what I did every damn time I played with her. I gave her plenty of orgasms to put her in that slutty headspace and to keep her there.

But he pointed something out that I hadn’t really considered.

Most of his submission is motivated by sexual pleasure. He’s not really service-oriented. He does it because it turns him on.

And that’s not news to me. He’s always been that way, but as long as he does what the fuck he’s told, I’m not really concerned about whether his submission comes from a desire to serve or a desire for sexual gratification. As long as he’s that deliciously slutty puddle of goo, I’m happy.

But he did bring up an interesting point. He knows that he isn’t allowed to cum often. He’s lucky if he gets to cum once a week. So when it is finally allowed to happen, he knows for a fact that it’ll be at least a week before it happens again. And that knowledge can make it tough for him to fall back into that submissive mindset. It can make it harder for him to genuinely put his heart and soul into his submission, and that makes neither of us happy. He knows that, for at least the next few days, it won’t matter how well he behaves or how far and above he goes beyond what I expect of him, nothing he can do will give him the reward he wants.

And that doesn’t make me happy, obviously, but it doesn’t make him happy, either. He craves that headspace, he craves that structure, and he pointed out that it’s not necessarily the orgasm that ruins it for him, but the knowledge that it won’t happen again for a long time. And he hopes that the new routines I’m implementing will help, particularly being made to suck my strap-on each day, but he’s really had trouble falling back to that headspace in the days immediately after an orgasm.

When he brought this to my attention, I replied by telling him that I want to pull his focus off of his dick and his pleasure.

And he understands that. But he brought up another point. A lot of the sexual attention I give him surrounds the dick. I edge him to keep him horny. I randomly reach down and grope him when I want to remind him that I own what hangs there. I use CBT to discipline him, punish him, or just when I’m feeling sadistic and want to make him squirm. To reward him, or if I’m feeling generous, I’ll play with it or absently fondle it while watching TV. More often than not, I’ll take him out of chastity while I play with him, so I can tease and mess with him. And then, when I’m done with him, I’ll lock him back up and put him away for the night.

A good deal of the sexual attention I give him focuses on the dick. So how can I expect him not to think about it, when I actively keep it at the front of his mind?

And that’s a good point.

And I know how to fix that. I could lock him up, keep him locked up, and start using other things to give him pleasure. Particularly his ass. I could absently finger him instead of absently fondling him. I could grab his ass instead of the dick. I could fuck him with my strap-on instead of edge him. And it doesn’t have to be just his ass. His entire body is my sexual playground, and I could feasibly go weeks and more without touching the dick. It’s something that could easily be changed.

But you know what? I like playing with the dick. It’s mine, and it’s my favorite toy. I don’t want to stop.

And why should I? Why should I have to deny myself something I thoroughly enjoy doing? I like playing with my toy, and I intend to continue playing with my toy. I have no desire to change that.

So then how do we solve the problem of his submission waning after an orgasm?

Simply by randomizing the frequency. He may cum once a week, he may cum once a month, he may cum three times in two days.

I’m going to take away his downtime. An orgasm today will not necessarily mean that he won’t orgasm tomorrow, if I feel he deserves it, or if I want to make him cum in a humiliating way, or if I want to punish him by making him eat it.

So it gives him something concrete to work toward. It keeps him aware, keeps him motivated, even after orgasm. It makes him want to submit, even when his desire is at its lowest point.

Of course, good behavior and going above and beyond my expectations does not, and never will, guarantee an orgasm. As always, it is at my discretion. There’s nothing he can do, nothing he can say, that will give him that guarantee. And since he’s no longer allowed to ask if he can cum, the only way he can raise his chances is to surrender himself, surrender his control. It will help remind him of who and what he is, where his place is within our relationship, and what I expect from him.

It will help him fall back into that blissfully slutty mindset that we both love. He’ll be more satisfied because he’ll have motivation, he’ll have structure, and he’ll more intimately feel the power I hold over him. I’ll be more satisfied because getting him to do what he’s told after orgasm won’t be a struggle.

Win-win.

13 thoughts on “The difference between boys and girls

  1. Reblogged this on the ravens ravings and commented:
    A very nice post, so much of it rings true. When comes to discussing the difference.

  2. Zed says:

    Goodness, we are all so complex really….

  3. Hapa says:

    This is a great write up for addressing that awkward space between hormonal bliss and primordial maleness us subs and our Doms struggle to mitigate.

    K makes a great point about changing the focus of attention to better fit the direction you want to take him. Repeated sex and penis centric attention fuels the alpha in me whereas chastity and non-penis centric sexual attention fuels the my sub side. In sexual terms, relating to a man as though his only sexual organ is his ass instead of a penis knocks him squarely into subspace.

    The Doms choice and focus means everything. Kinda like training a dog, clear concise communication will establish a pattern faster than explaining to a dog why they should do something.
    Some Doms may enjoy watching their sub twist and squirm from confusion but the cost is a weakened D/s bond. That dog will never be trained well enough to walk off leash.

    • Domina Jen says:

      That’s a very good point. I never have sex with kazander (I think it’s been two years now, since I’ve let him inside me) but I do love playing with his dick. I think we’re going to try an experiment for the next two weeks, where I don’t touch his dick at all, and see how that goes. We’ll see if it makes a difference in his behavior.

      • How did that work out? I’ve just read the blog entry and am very curious.

      • Hapa says:

        I think your approach is brilliant. I’ve iften wondered how much sexual pleasure could be gained from other means of touch. Male orgasms are great, like sensual crack if you will, but anal pleasure doesn’t cause the same refractural recovery cycle. Conventional male orgasms reinforce male sexual patterns whereas other pleasurable sensations can still fill the same need without fueling male sexual patterns. Two distinctly different directions of reinforcement. It’s obvious which the submissive benefits most from.

      • Domina Jen says:

        Absolutely! I want to create new sexual patterns within my submissives, and using his ass as his primary sexual organ is a great way to do that.

      • Domina Jen says:

        We actually didn’t get very far doing this. There were some other issues going on that made us stop after just a few days. Although I absolutely intend to go back to doing it soon!

      • Thanks! Your approach to gender and chastity got me thinking. I feel deflated after an orgasm, so I guess I like staying in the submissive state.

  4. dommeluck says:

    I had the male vs. female conversation with someone who has spent years doing chastity play with men and women, and her winning quote was “enforced chastity for women is called society.” Ha, I loved that. We grow up with a very different relationship to our sex drives and our orgasms so no wonder it’s different how it manifests in play. (And yeah, probably some biological differences – we’re not typically one and done, so it makes sense the submissiveness can continue longer with women, as you said.)

    One option if you’re letting him orgasm more is to mix in ruined orgasms and post-orgasm torture, along with the “humiliating” ways of letting him cum you described. One of my goals is to get someone to cum while their legs are up over their head so it goes right into their mouth. That’s some Cirque de Soliel shit, but it can be done!

    • Domina Jen says:

      Yes, I love the idea of ruined orgasms and post-orgasm torture. He’s very typical in that, once he cums, he’s done. He has no interest in continuing to submit. So forcing that on him is something I really need to do more often. And I love making him cum in his mouth! I’ve done that before, but it got on his face, instead of in his mouth. Not quite as good, but I made him sit there for a bit with it on his face, and that was nice.

  5. […] talked about kazander’s focus being on his dick before, and what sort of consequences that brings about, and how it affects him and his […]

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