So I’ve been seeing a lot of the same type of thing happening, with a surprising number of friends and acquaintances, over the last month or so.
The recurring theme has been the terrifying amount of Dominants acting like immature children, or having issues I would not have thought to be very Dom-ly.
Now, I know that no one is perfect, Doms are people too, blah blah blah.
And don’t get me wrong. I’ve got my own faults. I’m impatient, self-centered, manipulative, remarkably narcissistic, and I can be quite two-faced (or three- or seven-faced) when I feel the situation calls for it. More than a few people have called me insensitive and cold.
I’m sure there are more, but that’s not the point of this post.
The point of this post is to vocalize the need to raise the damn bar, people.
Being a Dominant is more than just wanting to beat people, or wanting to get sexual pleasure without need of reciprocation, or wanting someone hot to clean your house naked.
I’ve been seeing a lot of situations recently, where the so-called Dominant falls frighteningly short of what I would expect a Dominant to be. I’ve seen Doms being completely inconsiderate of the people who’ve devoted their lives to them. Doms being irresponsible and reckless, and having absolutely zero self-control.
A long-time friend found himself abandoned by his Domme two weeks ago because her new boyfriend didn’t approve of their relationship. Keep in mind that this man has been her devoted, loyal, and cherished slave for seven years. Another long-time friend is now having to move back across the country because the Dom she moved in with turned out to be a colossal douchebag (which, to be honest, was not a surprise to me. I warned her about him from the very beginning, and she didn’t listen… I still feel bad for her, though. That’s never a situation I’d wish on someone else).
A Dom at a local munch was banned because he didn’t respect the use of a safeword, and two of the people watching had to step in and get the poor girl out of the situation. A Domme was recently given a warning for losing her temper and screaming at her sub in the middle of the munch. Another Domme just went back to an emotionally abusive relationship because she’s too insecure to be alone (her words, not mine… But I happen to agree wholeheartedly with her).
I mean, really?
What is going on? Are these people really Dominant? Every single one of the Dom/mes in question claim to be a Dominant 24/7. They claim that it’s more than just a kink. It’s who they are.
Now, I may be living in some warped, vile, twisted version of reality, but I always thought Dominants were supposed to be held to higher standards than that. They were supposed to be confident, deliberate, and in control. I mean, they’re quite literally responsible for the health and wellbeing of another person, or two, or three. You’d think they’d need to be somewhat capable of handling that responsibility.
The man who mentored me explained it in a way that’s always stuck with me.
“Subs sacrifice control for freedom, and Dominants sacrifice freedom for control. If you’re going to be a Dominant, you can’t have both.”
And that’s true. I am not free to lose my shit. I am not free to have a mental/emotional/psychotic breakdown. I am not free to lose my temper, or to allow insecurity or doubt to take hold.
Oh sure, I have those occasional moments of insecurity and blind, psycopathic rage. And when that happens, I either vent here and let you, poor reader, see the extent of my psychosis, or I’ll vent at a friend, or do whatever I need to do to calm down, because I simply don’t have time for emotional instability. I certainly don’t allow that to happen often, and I certainly don’t make any sorts of decisions during those times.
I don’t have that luxury. I don’t have that freedom.
And you know what? I don’t want it.
I want control. I want obedience, and respect. I am a napoleonic power-monger. That’s where I feel most like me.
I want the responsibility. In fact, the moments where I’m at my very best are moments when everything seems to be falling down around me, and I’m struggling to keep it together. Pile on the pressure, man. Give me all the stress you think I can handle, and more. Push me to the limit, and watch me thrive.
I don’t want freedom. I want responsibility and power. That’s who I am.
Now, I know that not all people are me. But doesn’t it stand to reason that a self-proclaimed 24/7 Dominant be, at the very least, in control of themselves? Why is it suddenly acceptable for Dominants to be dominated by insecurity, thoughtlessness, irresponsibility, and dangerous recklessness? Why is it suddenly okay for Dominants to be weak-willed, weak-minded people?
I really hope this is a temporary thing. I worry for the future of the BDSM world if this becomes acceptable behavior.