I’ve never been one for games.
Well, okay, that’s not entirely true.
I love games when I’m the one playing them. I love pulling the strings and watching my little marionettes dance.
Stop looking at me like that. I have never claimed to be a good person.
But for the sake of clarity, which happens to be today’s underlying theme, I’ll be more specific.
I’m not a fan of games played by using and manipulating labels within a D/s or BDSM (or any combination of the two) dynamic.
Case in point-
Here’s a question for you; what is the difference between a sub and a slave?
I have been asked this question many times, by many different people, and every time I hear it, I feel like sobbing hysterically.
Why is this? Why does terror clasp my heart in its icy grip every time I hear those words in that order? Why does my very soul shudder with fear and trepidation?
Glad you asked. I’ll tell you.
It’s because of the never-ending, gruesome and grisly Battle of Useless Semantics.
Next time you feel like starting a riot, go to a munch and loudly proclaim your own answer to that question. It doesn’t matter what your answer is. Unless the munch is a group of individuals belonging to the same House, following the same rules (which isn’t likely, due to the informal and social nature of munches) sweet chaos will ensue.
Brother will turn against brother, mother will turn against son, and dynasties will topple amid angry and panicked shouts of what is “Right and True D/s.”
“Slaves can never be True Submissives!”
“Submissives can never be True Slaves!”
“They’re the same goddamn thing!”
“They’re mutually exclusive!”
That will go on for about eight minutes, and after that, will devolve into what the role of each label must be.
“You can’t be a True Submissive if you have a safeword!”
“You can’t be a True Submissive if you have no regard for safety or consequences!”
“SSC is the only way to go!”
“RACK is the only way to go!”
“They’re the same damn thing!”
“They’re mutually exclusive!”
— and around this point, that new, arrogant Dom who claims to know everything (usually male, but I have seen this person be a female once) will quietly pull out his phone to Google SSC and RACK
“A True Dominant never lets a sub see her cry!”
“A True Dominant is emotionally honest and open with her sub!”
“A True Dominant must be a sadist!”
“Sadism and D/s are mutually exclusive!”
“Sadism is a part of D/s!”
Omigawd, shut the fuck up.
The whole slave-vs-submissive thing is my biggest pet peeve within this big, wide world of D/s. There are as many opinions of what a D/s relationship entails as there are people in D/s relationships. Who the fuck cares about what Madame Asscrack or Sir Shitbucket say a Dominant or submissive has to be? It has been my own personal experience that most people who place titles like “Madame, Lady, Sir, or Lord” in front of their name do not deserve those titles.
Most, not all. I can think of two exceptions.
But the point is, it doesn’t matter what the difference between a sub and a slave is. It doesn’t matter what the difference between a Mistress and a Madame is (don’t worry, I never bothered myself to learn that, either). And anyone proclaiming that their way is the “One True Way” is an idiot.
I’m a Dominant. I prefer Domina to Mistress, but I don’t really care that much about titles, anyway. I have a very strong sadistic side, and have not yet met a sub masochistic enough to allow me to give the sadist in me full reign. But I’m not always sadistic. I adore humiliation. Not terribly into watersports, but I like the effect it has on my husband. It makes him feel low and slutty (win!) so I do it occasionally. I let him make decisions when the situation calls for it. I let him play the big tough man in public, because I enjoy bringing that big tough man to his knees. Subs who are not particularly strong men (those Type A personalities) have their uses, but I like the alphas. I like the strong and powerful ones. The ones used to leading. Used to getting what they want. Just a touch of sexism thrown in for good measure (pay attention to what kind of vanilla porn a man watches, and you’ll learn exactly what he thinks of women). Those are the fun ones to break. Those are the ones I like to keep on the end of my leash.
Of course, powerful men are difficult to control, and it’s a never-ending balance. So I have been known to let them loose from time to time. Give and take.
Inspiring a powerful man to want to obey me is far more satisfying to me than forcing him through blackmail or threats. Bondage is fun. But it’s so much more satisfying when a man is squirming and crying on my bed, begging me to stop hitting him, but will not try to get away or stop me. Even when he hates what’s being done to him, he will lie there and take it because I’ve told him to, and he wants to obey me. So fucking sexy. Achieving that takes patience. Tolerance. Constant assessment and reassessment of any given situation, be it vanilla or D/s.
Some would say I’m not a True Dominant. Some would say my husband is not a True Submissive.
But who the fuck cares?