Changes an’ Such

A few things have changed. First of all, kazander and I got married in November. The venue was disorganized and awful, but we had a lot of fun. People still give us compliments on the ceremony. We happen to be friends with an awesome officiant (can we say “friendship discount,” everyone?), who is also a part of the local BDSM community. That’s how we met him, as a matter of fact. He’s also known us for almost as long as we’ve been together, so he knows us so well as a couple.

He spoke with us a few times before the wedding to figure out what we wanted the ceremony to be. We wrote our own vows, and he kind of took his cues from the tone of the vows.

For example, one of his vows was, “I promise to love you even when you dress our daughter in Broncos colors.”

One of mine was, “I promise to stay up late binge-watching our favorite TV shows with you.”

So they were mostly light-hearted. I mean really, what would’ve been the point of a boring serious ceremony? We’ve been living together for years, we have a kid together, the joint bank account, the me-being-on-his-insurance thing, we were really already married in practice. We just needed that little piece of paper to make it official, and neither of our families were going to let us get away without having an actual wedding/reception thing.

And really, the ceremony turned out nice. Our vows were personal to us and actually meant something. It wasn’t just some cliché to-have-and-to-hold crap.

But, as it turned out, people loved it. We also did this “love box” thing that I heard about. We got a specially-made, pretty wooden box. Inside is a bottle of wine and two personalized, engraved wine glasses (our names and the date of the wedding are also engraved on the front of the box). Before the wedding, we each wrote letters to each other, talking about why we got married, why we love each other, and all that mushy crap. We sealed the letters without letting the other read what we wrote and put them in the box. During the ceremony, our officiant explained what was inside. We locked the box, and it is not to be opened until our 10th anniversary, where we open the box, read the letters that the other had written, and celebrate our love, blah blah blah.

But (and this is the reason I fell in love with the idea) there is one other time we can open the box. If the marriage is ever in trouble, and we’re considering divorce, we can open the box, read the letters, remember why we fell in love and got married in the first place, and try to fix the issues.  Totally awesome.

So yeah. Wedding was great. And we honeymooned in Hawaii, in Waikiki, specifically, and spent an obscene amount of money, and swam with wild dolphins and saw whales, and went snorkeling and jet skiing, and got completely wasted, and ate at incredibly expensive (and ah-may-zing) restaurants, and did the dinner cruise thing, and the luau thing, and toured the entire island. It was great.

Oh, and I play the ukulele, so of course I had to buy a gorgeous hand-made one in Hawaii.  It’s awesome and I love it to death.

You know, a lot of people warn against getting married, because the “relationship changes.”

And in our case, that is totally, absolutely true.

One such change is that kazander is in chastity 24/7 now. Not the honor system, like we used before. Not the taking-the-cage-off-for-work-and-sleep thing. Total, complete chastity. In a cage. All the time.

and I keep the key on me at all times...

and I keep the key on me at all times…

It’s a lot of fun. But I’ve encountered a few problems. First of all, every couple of weeks or so, I have to give him a break for a couple of days. He gets these little sores on his sack, especially on the underside, where the ring chafes a lot. The cage is metal, and is heavier than a plastic one, so I wonder if that has something to do with it. But he insists that the extra weight doesn’t make it uncomfortable. He doesn’t even notice it anymore, most of the time. So I don’t know if that has something to do with the chafing.

So I’m wondering if maybe the cage itself is too long. I’ve looked at some things online, and it seems like the dick is supposed to almost completely fill the cage when it’s soft.

Kazander isn’t huge, but he isn’t particularly small, either. And yet, when soft, his dick barely reaches halfway to the end of the cage. So he’s got some room to try and get hard. But he still can’t get all-the-way hard, and his dick still bulges out between the bars of the cage (I love the way that looks, by the way. So pretty) and it still causes all kinds of delicious discomfort and awesome frustration when he gets turned on.

...So pretty...

…So pretty…

So I don’t know. But I’m not really in any huge rush to spend $100 or more on a new cage “just to see if it helps.” So until I can figure out a way to stop the chafing, and stop the little sores from forming, I need to let him out occasionally to let the skin heal.


Still, I do enjoy keeping him in it. It makes him so delightfully submissive and slutty. And sometimes I’ll go out of my way to turn him on and watch him squirm. I’ll wear sexy lingerie, or subtly stick my ass in his face while he’s lying on the couch, when I walk between the couch and the end table.

It’s so much fun.

Oh, and we’ve taken steps to try the cuckold thing again, too. I met “The Body” (so named because seriously, his body is amazing. Like, whoa), who is a vanilla man about my age, who came to the munch with some friends. One of the friends has been in the lifestyle forever and is awesome. The other friend, “Puppy,” was curious and interested in exploring her submissive side (more on that in a minute).

So I met The Body when I went to the munch by myself one week. I quickly befriended all three of them and thoroughly enjoyed talking to them. There was immediate chemistry with The Body, which, in all honesty, may have been because I caught a glimpse of his gorgeous abs when he lifted his shirt to get something out of his eye.

So I started hanging out with Body after that, going on a couple of dates and slowly introducing him to the idea of being a bull, and what exactly that entailed. He was super interested, as long as he didn’t have to do anything to kazander. Having kazander give him head was a possibility down the line. Oh, and he didn’t want to just be a booty call (that should’ve been the first red flag, but his body was seriously distracting. You know those little things that start at a guy’s waist and angle down below the hem of his pants?)

Yeah, those things

Yeah, those things

I fell victim to the distraction caused by those things. So everything was fine-ish for awhile. We were taking things slow, so the most I did was make out with him in front of kazander and fondle his admittedly impressive dick. We went on a few dates, and I thoroughly enjoyed texting kazander while we were out, telling him how much fun I was having with my new boyfriend.

The Body was far from perfect, though, and that became increasingly obvious.

You know, it was the exact same trap I fell into with my first husband. I find a hot guy, with a gorgeous body (especially in the Body’s case) and wonder “how the hell is this guy single?”

Oh boy, I found out why. Just as I did with the ex. The Body was seriously awkward.

And all colorful kinds of emotionally fucked up.

He wanted an actual relationship, which kazander and I had already talked about, and were fine with, as long as it stayed casual. There was no hope of marriage or anything like that, and I made it clear that I wasn’t looking for love.

Like I said, the dates were fun, making out was great, his dick was the stuff of legend, etc. So a few weeks went by, kazander was becoming comfortable with the idea, and I felt like I could handle the unbelievable awkwardness of the Body.

And I’m not exaggerating about the awkwardness. For one, he liked to assume that, because I was in the BDSM lifestyle, and the only other people he knew interested in the lifestyle (both women) are submissive, he liked to assume I was the same way. Seriously, on our third or fourth date, when he already knew very well who I am and what I’m about, and had already discussed the dangers of such assumptions, I dropped my purse at the table we were sitting at. When I leaned over to pick it up, he grabbed the back of my head and pushed, like he was trying to push me toward his dick.

Naturally, he painfully learned the error of his ways and we were both asked to leave the establishment. But that didn’t stop him from trying to slap my ass next time we saw each other. And that’s just one of many examples.

But I could handle it. Eventually, even the dumbest dog learns not to do things that result in pain. And my gawd, that body!

But then, the emotional neediness started. Almost overnight, he went from being awkwardly aggressive and unintentionally condescending, to being more needy and whiny than the neediest sub I’ve ever had. Needless to say, he was starting to get on my nerves.

And then, when he randomly sent a dick pic to my phone, unbidden and uninvited, I had to explain to him that no, grown-ups don’t do that, because you never know who’s around and who can see it. I’m not a trashy whore, and I’m not a fan of that kind of thing. Not to mention, my 3-year-old happened to be playing her spelling game on my phone at the time, and saw it. So that was fun. Thank God she’s still too young to remember that.

Two days after that (about a month after we met, and three weeks since we started dating) he dropped the L-word.


But I was trying to work it out. The neediness was annoying, but he was the closest thing I had to a bull, and I didn’t want to blow it unless I absolutely had to.

One night, kazander unexpectedly gave me the go-ahead, so I immediately called the Body over, telling him that we were finally going to have sex. I was stoked. I had played with that dick so often, I couldn’t wait to fuck it.

But then, when he came over, and things got hot and heavy, he had performance anxiety. He couldn’t get it up.

I mean, really?

After like 20 minutes, we gave up. Kazander was bored and annoyed with the situation, and I was annoyed, so we decided it would be best if he left.

And whaddaya know, he started getting hard as I was kissing him goodbye, and wanted to start playing again. But by that point, kazander was completely over it, so it was a no-go.

Then, the next time we got the green light, and I called the Body over, he got upset with me, telling me that he didn’t appreciate being called over just for sex. He didn’t want to be treated as a booty call.

It was about that time I realized he’s a girl, and things sort of ended.


I was also playing with Puppy at this time. She wanted to explore her submissive side. And she is so sweet and shy and tiny. Nice body, as well, although her face is average and her boobs are nonexistent. But the thing that annoyed me the most was that she had no idea how to be a woman. She didn’t possess a single piece of lingerie. All she wore (literally) were beige granny panties that were too big for her and beige, plain bras. She never did her hair and didn’t own any kind of makeup. She had a pair of ratty tennis shoes for cold weather and a pair of ratty burkenstock sandals for warm weather.

But it was cute how tiny she was. I don’t think she weighs 100 pounds soaking wet. And she was fun to play with, even though her orgasm face was terrible.

I lost interest in her relatively quickly. But she and kazander started bonding, so when he asked if he could take her on as his sub, I told him to go for it.

And for a few months, it was fine. She’d come over once a week or so, and they’d have their fun. He’d take her on a date occasionally, take her shopping for sexy underwear, some nice, sexy dresses, stuff like that.

Oh gawd, but one day at the munch, she wore this amazing, drop-dead-gorgeous little black, backless dress with a plunging neckline that clung to her nonexistent curves and completely exaggerated them.

Their other friend, (the awesome one) even helped her out with eye shadow, mascara, and some subtle lipstick.

She was sexy as hell. Like, dayum.

But then, I made the mistake of looking down.

She was wearing those same, ratty burkenstocks.

And part of my soul died a little bit.

But at least kazander was working with her on that. But as time went on, he started getting bored with her. It became clear to the both of us that she’s not submissive at all. She simply wants to lie back and be teased and tormented til she cums. Kazander had a hell of a time getting her to do anything else. She wasn’t into pain, or humiliation, or bondage, or following orders, or anything. She’d even complain sometimes about giving him head.

So he’s been slowly getting bored with her, and she hasn’t come over very often since we got married. Even though I told him he could earn the ability to be released from his cage when she comes over, he just hasn’t been interested.

But a couple of weeks ago, she came over and they went into the bedroom to do their thing. So I was pretty surprised to see kazander come back out twenty minutes later, alone, and sit on the couch opposite me.

I asked him what was going on, and he explained that he told her to play with herself, without cumming, until he got back. And then, he told me something that had freaked him out a bit.

She had dropped the L-word.

He wasn’t sure if she was serious, because it was said in passing. I think the exact words were something like, “Puppy loves her Master.” But even so, he wanted to make sure he told me immediately, and ask what he should do. I told him to let it go and continue playing with her, but to have a conversation about where the relationship is going in the next few days. I mean, he was getting bored and didn’t think the relationship would last much longer, and she’s dropping that word around. I told him he needs to stop that right in its tracks, before he ends up crushing the poor girl.

I haven’t asked about her since, so I have no idea if that conversation happened and if so, what was said.

We still see Puppy and the Body at the munches, and still talk to them and all, but they’re just not good matches for us for romance and/or sex.

And I’m still on the lookout for potential bulls, but I’m not actively looking at the moment. If it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen. But the active searching hasn’t gone well so far.

Yeah, so that’s what’s been going on.  Good to be back!

6 thoughts on “Changes an’ Such

  1. squirmy says:

    Welcome back!

  2. Kitty says:

    Hi! So glad I found this blog. I love seeing girls who can be dominant without being bitches. =]
    Congratulations on the marriage! I know what you mean about not becoming a ‘boring couple’ after getting married. We had that condition too. I hope you don’t mind if I steal the love box idea, as I’m getting married in a couple of years and I just loved that idea!

    Anyway, about the chafing that your husband is experiencing, it is most likely caused primarily by wearing a cage that is too big for him in his soft state. You really want him to be flush with the cage itself when he’s soft, to minimise growing if he gets excited (assuming he’s a grower) and thus chafing. Just something to bear in mind if you ever decide to get a new cage. 😉

    • Domina Jen says:

      Thank you! And of course you can steal the love box idea. The site I found had the box specially made, and came with the glasses, two keys, possible words for the officiant to say during the ceremony, and special, pretty paper for the couple to write their letters oj. Very sweet. But yeah, I feel in love with the idea as soon as I heard about it. Kazander and I are realists. We know there’s always a possibility that our marriage will be in trouble at some point in the future. And to be able to go back to right before the wedding, to be reminded of why we got married in the first place, is such a beautiful idea.

      I was wondering if his cage is too big. Yes, he is certainly a grower. I’m considering buying him a new one, because really, he’s in agony. He can hardly sleep, even after all this time, because he’ll get hard in the middle of the night and the pain will be excruciating. He gets an ice pack out of the freezer and lays it directly on his dick, trying to get it to go down. It’ll sometimes take as long as two hours before he can finally get bad to sleep. And he says it’s a burning pain right on the underside of his dick, just where the ring sits. He needs a new one. So I’m doing some research to see which kind I should get. Any suggestions?

      • Kitty says:

        We don’t actually have experience with this particular model, but it seems like the HolyTrainer 2 is the current favourite when it comes to ready-made ‘starting out’ chastity devices. It’s reasonably priced in my opinion, and the few guys I’ve talked to about it told me that it’s very comfortable. You’d still have to make sure that it’s small enough for your husband though, as men will often overestimate! =P

        My fiancé and I started out with a CB-6000, which I wouldn’t recommend because it can cause a lot of pinching and will sometimes split in the middle (very painfully too, according to him =/ ).

        For a metal one, Steelworxx’s Steelheart 2 treated my slave really well, with the exception of when he used the PA attachment for too long. ( At the current euro/dollar exchange rate, it might be worth considering it.

        Our favourite at the moment, and the one we use for any long-term locking, is one of Lori’s devices. They’re expensive though so if you ever go down that route, I would suggest that you get your husband to measure himself as accurately as possible, and then check Lori’s website to see if she has any stock available in his size. I wouldn’t recommend getting one if she has to make it, because they’re so expensive that waiting months and months just seems a bit… well, I personally wouldn’t do it when there’s quicker alternatives that could work just as well.

        My slave is asking me to add: “just make sure that it’s small enough for him!”. He says he’s noticed that the more space he has inside the device when soft, the worse it feels when he gets hard, due to higher pressure. He thinks that most devices will probably be fine if sized correctly.

        I hope it helps!

  3. […] night, kazander’s sub was supposed to come over, and he’d had a rough day at work, and he wasn’t caged, so he […]

  4. […] got a text from the Body yesterday, while at Petco with the spawn.  I hadn’t spoken to him since the 9th, and really […]

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