So when a friendship/relationship/whatever is new, I’m not big on second chances. If you stand me up, lie to me, flake out on me, or anything stupid like that, you’re done. I don’t have the patience for it, and it’s just too easy to find someone else who will put forth the effort.
Every once in a purple moon, I’ll give someone a second chance. And there’s really no rhyme or reason as to why I do it, or who I do it for, or whatever. I guess it’s just an intuition-type thing.
I’ve never given anyone a third chance.
There’s this guy I met about 4 or 5 years ago. I met him just before I met kazander. I’ll call him Ash. He was looking for something very specific. He called it a Disciplinarian. I guess he had a Domme once who gave him a massive list of rules to follow and chores to do, and would punish him severely for failing to live up to her expectations. To enforce her rules, she would drop by at random times, unannounced, to make sure he was obeying her even when she wasn’t around (she had a key to his place). Now I’m not particularly interested in that extreme level of control, but he seemed like a nice, intelligent guy, so I decided to give it a shot. Worst-case scenario, we would decide it wasn’t working, and part ways. Nothing to lose.
We played some, had some fun, and then he flaked out on me. A couple of weeks later, he contacted me, apologized, and asked for a second chance. I gave him one, and he flaked out again.
I was done.
I wasn’t angry at him, but I just had no interest in him anymore. He’d proven to be a flake and I had a few other boys at the time to keep me occupied. Kazander was one of them.
When he contacted me again, I told him he was a flake, that he blew it, and that I wasn’t interested.
That was in 2009.
For the past four years, he’s tried many, many, many times to apologize and ask me to take him back as a sub. And I’ve always either ignored his messages or told him no, for all kinds of reasons. I told him he’s a flake, I told him that I’m in a relationship, I told him that I have a family (during one conversation while I was pregnant, he said that, if kazander and I ever broke up, he would let me live with him and “raise the baby as his own.” I laughed). After the spawn was born, I told him that I didn’t have the time to devote to another sub, and likely wouldn’t for at least a few more years (you subs can be a needy lot, and half the time I’m too exhausted by the end of the day to properly discipline the boy I already own, much less another one).
And still, despite every rejection, despite years of ignoring him and brushing him off, he still tries (really, are Dommes that hard to come by?). So yesterday, after he messaged me again, I decided to do something I’ve never done before.
I’m going to give him another chance.
With one caveat.
I’m going to take him on as my sub, and give him the control he craves. I’m going to give him the list of rules and chores, and will punish him for his failings.
But he’s going to pay me for my time.
Granted, it’s not much; $75 a week. But if he really has changed, and if he really is sincere about wanting to be mine, he’ll have to pay for the privilege. I’m not going to take on that kind of commitment without getting something in return. Especially since time and energy spent on him is time and energy taken away from my own boy and my daughter.
But hey, I’m a stay-at-home mom, and want to remain so. At least this way, I would have enough cash to pay for the membership to the indoor playground the spawn loves, gas to take her to that playground or the park or wherever, and still have a couple dollars left over for myself. Ash gets what he wants, kazander has at least some financial pressure taken off him, and I can save up and buy a nice outfit once in awhile, instead of having to shop the clearance rack at Walmart (ugh, that part about being a stay-at-home mom sucks. But I knew that going in, and the knowledge that I’m not paying someone else to raise my kid makes that clearance rack much easier to look at). So if it works out the way I’d like it to, it’s a win-win situation.
It’s not that I dislike Ash. He’s a good-looking guy, 6’5″-ish (I adore tall men), intelligent, and has a good sense of humor. But like I said, he’s proven to be a flake in the past, and there’s a big part of me that remains wary. I don’t trust him to follow through.
He may surprise me, though, and there’s a small part of me that remains optimistic. He’s been persistent for more than 4 years, despite being rejected (sometimes rather meanly) every time. That tells me 2 things. First, it tells me that he hasn’t had any luck in the past four years finding someone to replace me. And secondly, it tells me that he may have finally realized what he gave up. Perhaps the past four years have taught him something, and he will turn out to be more reliable.
If this works out. We’ve agreed to start our arrangement shortly after Christmas, so he has plenty of time to flake out again. At this point, I hope that he’s changed and will follow through, but my expectations aren’t high. Part of me fully expects him to suddenly disappear sometime in the next couple of weeks.
But this is the very last chance he’ll ever get. I’m being incredibly generous by giving him another chance, and I’m going against my gut by doing so. If he proves me right, that’ll be the last I will ever speak to him. He will no longer exist in my universe, and his messages and texts won’t even be dignified with a rejection.
He now has a gift that no else has ever been given, and that a handful of people would do nearly anything for. If he proves that my wariness and distrust are justified, then that will be the end of any chance he could ever hope to have of being mine.
But perhaps he’ll prove me wrong. We’ll see.