Why was I gone so long? Lots of reasons. Don’t really want to get into that. Mostly just lots of things happening with such timing that, as soon as I’d handled one particular thing, something else got thrown at me. Super fun.
And it hasn’t slowed down yet, mind you. But I’ve decided I’ve been gone long enough, and it’s not like I can sit around and wait for life to slow down.
The most recent thing that’s happened, however, is something I certainly don’t mind discussing.
Kazander and I are friends with a gay couple (we’ll call them Ford and Chevy). Keep in mind that we’re not crazy-close friends. We see them at the big family events, and chat once in awhile on facebook, but it’s not like we have brunch every Tuesday. Still, it has never mattered how long since we’d last seen each other. The four of us, along with kazander’s sister and another mutual friend, can sit and talk for hours and hours, no matter whether we’d just seen each other the past weekend or whether it’s been six months.
Well, Ford texted me out of the blue, asking if he could stop by later in the evening. I said yes, and he showed up shortly after 7. He sat down and looked all nervous (I suspected what was coming, and when I told him I’d go wake kazander from his nap, and he said, ‘no, let the man sleep,’ my suspicions were confirmed…. more or less).
So it didn’t surprise me in the slightest when he told me that he and Chevy wanted to have a baby. It didn’t even surprise me when he asked if I would be the surrogate. Like I said, I’d seen it coming. Turns out I’m an intuitive bitch. And I understand why he was more comfortable approaching the subject with just me. I’ve said before that kazander can be an intimidating man, and there’s no way of knowing how a someone’s going to react when you ask if you can knock up his fiance.
What I sure as hell wasn’t expecting was for Ford to want to use my egg. I just assumed he wanted to borrow my uterus for awhile. And that makes sense to me. I’m young, in relatively good health, and I’ve already had a kid, so pregnancy and childbirth, while not things I am super enthusiastic about doing again, are things I’m familiar with and can handle. On top of that, we have a great, if not sporadic, friendship. Ford and Chevy know where I live, they’ve been to my house hundreds of times, and they know I’d be comfortable with them becoming intimately familiar with my reproductive system, although I would take no responsibility for any mental or emotional trauma they would experience from such familiarity. I know for a fact that Ford has never been with a woman, and I seem to remember that Chevy never has, either. And hell, during my pregnancy with the monkey, even I learned way more gross stuff about my body than I ever wanted to know. But hey, the looks on their faces when they find out what a mucus plug is (if you don’t know, just be content with your ignorance, trust me) would make all the discomfort and pain worth it. So yeah, it made sense that he would ask me.
But I was expecting him to want an egg from a donor and either his or Chevy’s sperm, and then I would just grow the thing. I had no idea he was actually wanting me to be the mother of his and Chevy’s child. What’s more, he was wanting a level of involvement that I totally wasn’t expecting him to want. Granted, I’m no liar, and I’m not a huge fan of secrets, either. So I definitely agree with letting the kid know who it’s biological mother is and where it came from. But he was talking about wanting the kid to have four parents. He said he wanted him and Chevy to be the primary parents, and then kazander and I would be “secondary” (that word makes it sound weird, but bear with me. I’m trying to paraphrase a 2 1/2 hour conversation) parental figures, and the kid would have 4 sets of grandparents.
And that’s just not the scenario that was in my head. I was thinking more along the lines of seeing the kid only a little more than I see Ford and Chevy now, to be more like an extended family. When the kid is old enough to ask where babies come from, I envision Ford and Chevy giving a lecture something like, “Well, you came from Aunt Jen’s tummy. It takes both a boy and a girl to make a baby, so when there are two daddies or two mommies, they need help. Daddy and I are both boys, so we needed a girl to help us make you. We asked Aunt Jen if she would help, and she and Uncle kazander said yes. So she took special stuff from Daddy and put it in her tummy so that you would grow. Then when you were done growing, we brought you home.”
You know, something that’s honest and truthful, but really downplays the whole me-being-the-mommy thing. And then, when the kid is old enough to understand more complex concepts, that’s when we’ll all sit down and explain that I’m it’s biological mother, but Ford and Chevy are its parents.
Now, those who have read my other posts know that I’m religious, which means I believe in an all-knowing God who often works (in some damn mysterious ways) in our lives and guides us to do His will, blah, blah, blah. I’m bringing this up for a couple of reasons. First of all, my first pregnancy was absolute hell, and there were many times when there was a legitimate chance of losing our baby. Problem after problem happened, but I finally found peace. One by one, each problem, no matter how minor or major (or life-threatening) was just gone. Near the end of my pregnancy, I honestly felt like God was standing over my shoulder, saying “Bring it, bitches.” Yeah, my God’s a bit more of a bad-ass and smart-ass than the average Catholic’s God.
On top of that, I didn’t even think I could have kids before this pregnancy. I’m not going to get into why I felt that, but the point is I truly feel blessed, and that I have been given a great gift. Ever since the spawn was born, I’ve felt a calling to give back, whether it was to donate breastmilk (which I ended up not being able to do because my body stopped producing it after a couple of months) or donating eggs, or even being a surrogate for someone else (which I wasn’t able to do until I got back to my pre-baby weight. Still haven’t gotten there yet.)
On a seemingly unrelated note, I’ve been baffled by a recent bout of baby fever. I mean, I know that I won’t have to live through the problems I went through with the spawn, because they can proactively fix what went wrong the first time. But the desire to have another child right now is insane, for a number of reasons. First of all, we don’t have a spare bedroom. So if I were to have a boy, we’d be screwed. Secondly, one kid is expensive enough. Thirdly, the spawn is completely potty-trained, and only wears a diaper at night. I like not having to deal with diapers anymore. I’m in no rush to go back to that nonsense. But most importantly, I like having the one-on-one time with the spawn. And the benefits of that are obvious. She just turned two, and she is so unbelievably advanced for her age, there are four-year-olds who can’t do what she can. I finally had to post a video of her labeling shapes (including shapes like a trapezoid, hexagon, pentagon, etc) on facebook because people thought I was exaggerating her abilities. She knows all her letters, can count up to 20, and knows all her colors (except like, taupe or mauve). She’s also working on writing capital letters, although she still needs to trace the letters, and sometimes it takes her a few tries to get it right. She is 2, after all. Her fine motor skills still need work. But seriously, this kid knows shit. Part of that is because she comes from a long line of above-average intelligence, from both sides of the gene pool. But a big part of that is that I work with her. Every day. Multiple times a day. Granted, she’s 2, so our “lessons” usually only last about 10 or 15 minutes, and she usually gets to decide when she’s done. But I plan to homeschool her because I’m not going to trust my kid’s education to an underpaid, overworked, overwhelmed teacher in a broken system. Add another baby to that equation, and suddenly I don’t have that kind of time for her anymore. And I don’t really like that thought. So it’s been a confusing as hell month because I’ve had the baby fever, I’ve been having dreams about being pregnant, I’ve been having food cravings, all that fun stuff.
So when this opportunity came up, it almost seemed like the perfect fix. I can still get the cuddly part and the cure for baby fever and all that crap, but without any of the responsibility, and without having to take time away from the spawn. To me, it feels like God is wanting me to do this, and sending me some pretty damn obvious signs. And no, I don’t really believe in coincidences. Too many things have happened too perfectly in my life for me to believe it’s all just random crap.
But whatever. This is not a religious blog, and this is not a religious post. I’m just talking out what’s in my head.
So I’m leaning more toward wanting to do it for them, but there are a few things that give me pause. First of all (and these concerns are in no particular order), what if the kid knocks on my door in 20 years and says, “What the hell, Mom? Didn’t you want me?” Seriously, how the hell am I going to deal with that? I’m pretty sure the truthful answer of “Nope. Sure didn’t,” isn’t going to be the best course of action in that particular scenario. And even that’s a gross oversimplification of the truth. It’s not that I don’t want a kid. But I already explained that with the whole new-baby-taking-time-away-from-spawn thing and the money thing and the lack-of-bedrooms thing. On top of that, I’m not particularly fond of the idea of raising a kid that isn’t kazander’s.
That, and I wouldn’t be doing this for me, or for kazander. I would be doing this as a gift to Ford and Chevy. And really, how often does somebody get the opportunity to give someone a gift that big? How often does someone get the opportunity to give fucking life to someone else? So the baby wouldn’t be mine. It would be theirs. It wouldn’t have a Mommy. It would have two Daddies (yeah, I got a little bit of a lecture from my dad about that today when I talked to him about it. What can I say? He’s old-school. But at least, while he doesn’t condone the idea of his biological grandchild being raised in a homosexual environment, he’s still going to support my decision, support Ford and Chevy’s decision and ability to raise it, and will still love the baby, so I’ve got to give him some credit for that.)
And I don’t even know if that’s going to be the way it is. We really need to sit down, all four of us, and hash out exactly what level of involvement to plan on. I realize things may change once the kid is here, anyway. But first I need to decide if I’m even going to do this in the first place.
They want me to breastfeed the baby, and I definitely agree that breastfeeding is important. I was only able to breastfeed the spawn for a couple of months, but even that’s better than nothing. But how is that going to work? I still have a hospital-grade breast pump from when the spawn was born, but seriously, how am I supposed to breastfeed a kid that isn’t mine? And Ford and Chevy live like, half an hour away, so it’s not like I can just pop over there every 3 hours to feed the kid. Ford mentioned babysitting, and me keeping the kid during the day, which I think is definitely NOT a fantastic idea. Although, since both Ford and Chevy work, and I’m a stay-at-home mom, I might be okay with being the kid’s nanny (for a fee, of course. And that could actually turn out to be pretty awesome, if we can agree on a fair rate, and if I can get a back-up, on-call babysitter so I can take a day off occasionally).
Oh, and they’re also going to pay all the out-of-pocket expenses. Gas to and from doctor’s appointments, prenatal vitamins, whatever my insurance won’t cover. Hell, even maternity clothes. This won’t impact us financially at all. So that helps.
Kazander and his comfort level is obviously a big concern. It can’t be easy to be faced with the idea of your wife/fiance being impregnated by another man (although there will be no intercourse, for obvious reasons) and to carry and give birth to another man’s baby. I can’t imagine any man would jump for joy when faced with that situation, regardless of the circumstances or how well you know or like the other man. And no, we haven’t talked much about it yet. He said he needed a few days to think about it, asked me my initial feelings, and then said he’d let me know when he’s had time to process and is ready to discuss it. He’s a thinker, my kazander. And he’s also the type of guy you can’t push. He needs time to process this and will approach me when he’s ready. If I try to push him to make a decision (even though time is a HUGE factor here, and I’ll get to that a minute) it’ll just end up pissing him off.
Also, the idea of the kid being mine biologically kind of throws an unexpected wrench in the whole situation. I always thought it wouldn’t matter who the kid shares a genetic link with. I always felt like the child of a same-sex couple has the exact same number of parents as the child of a heterosexual couple. Hell, I’ve even considered donating eggs to couples (gay or straight) who couldn’t have children of their own, and I wouldn’t consider a child born by that scenario to be mine. So why does it suddenly make a difference to me whether or not the egg used to make their baby is mine? It’s weird.
But how is kazander going to feel about that? Especially if we have a level of involvement closer to what Ford and Chevy are wanting? He’s dated chicks that had kids before, and hasn’t had a problem with that, but this is a very, very different situation. This is willingly giving consent to me getting pregnant by another man — on purpose — and combining another man’s sperm with one of my eggs (which there’s always just kind of been this unspoken assumption that kazander has dibs on those), then carrying that combination of my egg and Ford’s sperm and giving birth to a baby that is mine but not kazander’s. I know kazander well enough to know that he doesn’t particularly love the idea, but I really wasn’t expecting him to. Like I said, this isn’t the sort of thing I would expect any man to love. This is a life-altering situation, and something that has the potential to have a massive impact on our relationship. Eh, but I dunno… Maybe we could twist it into something hot. Maybe, during our playtime while I’m pregnant, I could get deep into what I call my “Domme-mode” and say things like “you’re such a pathetic slut I had to go and get pregnant by a feminine gay man. He’s never even seen a pussy and he’s still more of a man than you are.” Or, since we won’t be able to have unprotected sex until I get a positive pregnancy test, I could say things like, “How does it feel to know that my body is reserved for another man, whore?” You know, stuff like that. That could be a little fun, assuming he’d be on board with that level of humiliation (which I think he would be okay with. He adores being humiliated. It’s our favorite thing to do). So there’s that little tiny thing that could potentially be a bit fun.
Obviously, kazander comes first, and if he’s not comfortable with this, then this whole long rant is completely pointless, because it won’t happen. I’m not going to do anything to put our relationship at risk, even though a big part of me feels like I’ve been called to do this for Ford and Chevy. Kazander comes first, and if he says he can’t handle doing this, then we won’t do it. End of story. There are millions of other women in the world. I have faith that Ford and Chevy will find someone else who will be willing to give them a baby.
So yeah, there’s kazander. But there’s one other big obstacle.
I’m getting married in a year. 363 days, to be exact. We’ve already put the deposit down on our venue. And my mom already spent $1,000 on a dress that is definitely NOT a maternity dress. So if we decide to do this, it needs to happen, like, now. That way I’ll have some time before the wedding to get my body back. I’m also not super comfortable with the idea of being pregnant with another man’s kid on the day I marry kazander, for reasons I really can’t explain with any sort of real logic. And I sure as hell don’t want to be pregnant on my honeymoon.
So if we decide to go through with this, I’ve got like 2 months, tops, to get pregnant. And my next fertile window is around the middle of this month. So if we could come to a decision and hit that, that would be perfect. That way the kid will be born in August and I’ll have plenty of time to shed the extra weight and be back to my gorgeous, sexy self in time for the wedding. In fact, since I’m already overweight, it’s possible to go through my entire pregnancy without gaining anything, so after the kid comes, I’ll end up being like 15 pounds lighter. Of course that’s not easy to do, and I’d need some pretty significant doctor supervision to make sure I’m not affecting the kid. But I’m just saying it’s possible.
So yeah, if we decide to do this, and if I can get pregnant this month, that would be ideal.
Otherwise, Ford and Chevy will have to wait until after kazander and I get back from our honeymoon to continue trying. But doing it after we’re married will be a little more complicated, simply because the state of Nevada will automatically put kazander’s name on the birth certificate, whether we tell them that Ford is the father or not. Of course, there are ways to get around that, but the law is a pretty huge pain in the ass. Hell, when the spawn was born, they weren’t even going to put kazander’s name on her birth certificate, since we weren’t married. In order to be acknowledged legally as her father, he had to sign some of his rights away (including his right to a paternity test. And that’s pretty ridiculous in my mind). So it would be easier if the kid was born before kazander and I got married. Ford would have to sign the same rights away, but that’s not a big deal in this particular situation. He’s already done all the research and knows exactly what needs to happen depending on my marital status at the time of the baby’s birth. And Ford is a little concerned about his age. He’s in his early 40s (there’s a 12-year difference between him and Chevy), so he’s really wanting this to happen before he gets any older, and I can understand his urgency.
So I don’t know. If it were just up to me, I’d say yes, after we iron out the details. But because this has the potential to affect kazander and the spawn so greatly as well, I think it requires a little more thought. It means that my family is going to be extended, and I know Ford and Chevy want kazander to be a parental figure (of sorts), so obviously kazander’s opinion on the matter is going to be profoundly important.
So we’ll see. It’s something to think about, for sure. And I’ll keep you all updated on that as I get more information.