History’s badass bitches

History is littered with amazing women who did amazing things, often in eras and cultures that preferred seeing women as objects.

If you didn’t know, I’m a huge anthropology nerd.  So I decided to take it upon myself to tell some of these really awesome, amazing stories.

The first is the well-known myth of the Amazons.

Everyone knows at least something about Amazons.  Most people assume they were a mythological tribe of man-hating women warriors.  Some people have heard that they would cut off a breast and kidnap, rape, and murder men.

But the truth is way more interesting.

Contrary to popular belief, the Amazons actually existed.

History is a funny thing.  It’s written by the victors, and by cultures with written language.

Because of that, most of what we know about Amazons comes from Greek and Hellenic writings and artifacts.

We already know that the Greeks didn’t love women.  We can trace androcentrism and global male dominance back primarily to the pederastic cultures of ancient Greece.  Because pederasty breeds misogyny.  It’s well documented that boys who are sexually abused (and not given support or therapy to help them cope and heal) are way more likely to become abusers in adulthood.  The link between pederasty and misogyny is so clear to us.  So it’s not surprising at all that an entire society of sexually abused boys became abusive adults who viewed sex as a display of dominance over a powerless woman or child.

In fact, the only Greek culture that valued independent women was Sparta, who discouraged pederasty.  Now, Sparta didn’t do a lot of writing or art.  What we know of them comes primarily from writings by other Greeks.  And other Greeks were perplexed and confused to find that insisting on blind obedience from women and raping young boys were frowned upon in Spartan society.

In most of Greece, women were objects.  Forced into subservient roles.  Beaten and raped.  Dependent on men.

So when they discovered people that didn’t share their view of women, they were curious, fascinated, and sometimes threatened.

But Amazons were not a female-only tribe of man-haters.  They didn’t enslave, rape, or torture men.

They were an ethnic group comprised of women and men.

Now, we know that they were actually Scythians, as well as other related tribes and peoples.

Scythians were a nomadic and semi-nomadic horse people living in the steppes north and east of the Black Sea.  They had a rich and sophisticated culture, but they didn’t have a written language.

Everything we know about them comes from Greek myth, stories told about them in other societies such as Persia, Egypt, India, and China, and archaeological dig sites.

But the gender roles so central to Greek culture were nonexistent in Scythia.

Everyone is equal on a horse.  And a woman can be just as efficient and deadly an archer as a man.

Women were fierce, fearsome warriors.  Scythian men didn’t fear or feel threatened by their women.  On the contrary, they were proud of every capable citizen who contributed to the tribe.  Not only did they take pride in their women, they also likely saw themselves as superior to Greek men.

In their eyes, Greek men suffered from fragile egos, threatened by strong, independent women.  While Scythian men could stand fearlessly by a woman’s side.  They saw her strength as something that made the entire tribe better.

Early Greeks were curious about Scythians.  In fact, the Greek heroine Atalanta is most often depicted in Scythian clothing.

Later Greeks, though, felt threatened by the very real Atalantas who thrived and existed beyond the Black Sea.

What’s sad is that the Greek fascination with women warriors meant that Scythian men faded from history, while the women were vilified and immortalized.

And that’s why we think of Amazons as tribes made up exclusively of women.  The powerful, capable men they actually lived with are lost to history.

Because Scythian men were nothing special to Greeks.  Fierce, capable, and aggressive male warriors weren’t anything special.  Intelligent, strategic male leaders weren’t worth writing home about.

Greek misogyny ended up erasing these intelligent, powerful men from history.  Which I find rather ironic, but there you go.

And in fact, Scythian women were way more interesting than mythological Amazons.

When you strip away Greek thought and opinions, you find out that the truth is pretty damn awesome.

Based on archaeological dig sites, 1 in 3 Scythian women were active warriors, buried with their weapons and obvious battle wounds.  Battle-scarred skeletons showed that young women fought passionately in battle.  And contrary to Greek stories, they survived horrific injuries to fight again.

Greek stories always ended with the Amazons killed or defeated.  Probably to provide comfort to insecure Greek men who felt threatened by strong women.

Other cultures, though, paint a different picture.  The Greeks weren’t the only ones to write about Scythian women.  They were just the only ones to require the deaths and defeat of Scythian women in every myth.

And they were also the only ones to vilify Amazons as man-haters.

But Amazons didn’t hate men.

They weren’t man-haters, they were man-killers.  On the battlefield.

But they loved just as passionately as they fought.  They had male partners, lovers, and friends.  Sometimes, they were buried with their male lover.  They respected men just as much as men respected them.

And because gender roles in Scythian tribes were blurred, there are men who were buried with children and domestic tools most often associated with women.

Which makes sense when you look at the realities of hard life in Scythian territory.  Everyone was expected to contribute, according to the individual’s strengths and what was needed by the tribe.

Maybe a man was a fantastic warrior, and maybe he wasn’t.  For Scythians, not being as good at fighting as a woman didn’t make a man less valuable to the tribe.  He was still expected to contribute, still expected to help, and as long as he could pull his weight like every other adult, in whatever area, he was still respected and valued.  No one cared if blood or war made him squeamish, as long as he could do something to ensure the success of the tribe.

Or maybe he was a great fighter, but the tribe didn’t need fighters at that moment, they needed warm clothes to survive the harsh winters in the northern tribes.  The men didn’t just sit idly around while the women made clothes for the tribe.  They were expected to help.  They had to be just as efficient with a spool or needle as they were with a sword or bow.

Scythians weren’t always led by women, but they were led by the most capable citizen.  Sometimes that was a woman, and sometimes that was a man.

Myths about them hating men may have stemmed from a few notable Amazons who reportedly “swore off men.”

But in reality, these were likely just lesbians.

Homosexuality in men was nothing special to Greeks.  Greek culture encouraged homosexuality and pedophilia in men.  Even married men with children often had young male lovers.

Because of that, homosexual men didn’t warrant Greek attention.

In fact, I again have to bring up Sparta.  Promiscuity was encouraged in young Spartan men and women, and consensual homosexuality was all fine and good.

However, in Sparta, marriage was sacred.  Sex between a man and wife was a private, often playful affair between equals (Spartan marriage began with the husband sneaking into his bride’s home and the two of them engaging in a wrestling match.  And she was not expected to just let him win.  She was a Spartan woman, after all, and her body would be the vessel for future Spartans.  Of course she had to be strong and capable.  And I’d just like to take a moment to imagine a Spartan woman pinning her husband on his back and riding him with a hand around his throat.  Fucking hot, right?).

And of course, the goal of literally every Spartan was to make more Spartans.

So homosexuality wasn’t frowned upon, necessarily.  It was more a mindset of, “That’s fine, have your fun, but at some point you’re going to need to have sex that results in children, whether you’re interested in hetero sex or not.  That’s your duty as a Spartan.  And just by the way, Spartan children are the future of our superior race, so let’s not rape them.  Cool?  Cool.”

But again, Spartan perceptions have largely been lost to us.  And Spartans didn’t care much about Scythians, anyway.

Like, “Oh, another society with blurred gender roles?  Big fucking deal.  Oh, women can fight just as viciously as men?  What a fucking shock, you guys.  We respect our women so much, our entire military uniform is a tribute to them.  I don’t see Scythians wearing crimson as a tribute to their women.  So see?  We’re still better.  We do everything more hardcore.  Of course that includes respecting the fuck out of our women.”

It’s the rest of Greece that influenced our perception of Amazons.

And, while gay or bi men were normal, the idea of a woman owning her sexuality and choosing not to engage in sex with men was beyond the limits of Greek imagination.

But we can see today that most lesbians don’t hate men.  They’re just not turned on by men.  And Scythian women were the same.  In fact, it was even less likely that a Scythian lesbian hated or resented men.

Today, some women might feel resentment toward men because of thousands of years of oppression and sexism that still persist.  Whether that’s right or wrong, it’s just what some people feel.

But Scythian women were never oppressed.  They were never considered less than their male counterparts.  They never had to fight for equality, or to be seen as human.  So that resentment never existed.

Scythian women weren’t limited by Greek ideas of femininity and masculinity.  They could be capable warriors without losing their identities as women, or rejecting their femininity.  Because for Scythians, being a fierce warrior wasn’t an exclusively masculine trait.  They could be (what we consider) feminine, masculine, or in between.

And Scythian men loved them that way.

Also, Greek men didn’t like the idea of losing to a woman.

Men were considered inherently superior to women.  So a man losing to a fierce warrior who happened to have a vagina was something that made Greek men uncomfortable.

How to solve this uncomfortable truth?

By making Amazons into mythological villains.  They weren’t normal humans, but barbaric, freakish monsters who threatened every Greek man, woman, and child.  And ultimately, they were defeated by real heroes.  By men.

But Jen, weren’t they breastless barbarians?

In a word?  No.

This rumor started in about 500 AD, by one Greek historian who hated Amazons and used them as ominous warnings against giving Greek women basic human rights.

And that rumor caught fire and spread.  Earlier Greeks were more fascinated and curious about Amazons, but Greeks in that era were firmly anti-Amazon.

Different theories and rumors regarding breast mutilation abound.  Some say that cutting off the right breast allowed them to use bows more effectively.

Okay, but um, I use a bow.  A larger one than the horseback-riding Scythian archers used.  I also have much larger breasts than were ideal for active, horseback-riding women.

And I don’t have a problem.  With the smaller Scythian bows, the string doesn’t even touch the archer’s body.

This rumor of mutilation likely started to show Amazons “rejecting their femininity.”  Because for Greeks, fighting and plundering were exclusively masculine activities.  It also hints at the Greeks’ requirement of and focus on symmetry as the basis of beauty.  Aggressively asymmetrical women like single-breasted Amazons were freakish and ugly.

But there is a tiny nugget of truth.  Because Scythian women probably used tight leather corsets to bind their breasts back.  They also wore flat-chested armor identical to men.  So for some Greeks who saw them in battle, it may have looked like they had no breasts at all.

But honestly, the reason for binding breasts wasn’t to reject femininity or look more like men.

Have you ever ridden a horse?  I have.  And regardless of the rider’s skill, there’s one universal truth:

Horses are bouncy.

Large, heavy, unrestrained breasts would have caused constant pain and discomfort for women riders.  It would’ve been distracting.  And a woman had other problems.  Like killing the heavily-armored enemy charging toward her.

When I rode, I was pretty decent.  Competitive.  And my breasts weren’t as big as they are now.  But even then, I wore two sports bras that were a size too small.

So yeah, I can totally see entire civilizations of horse riders choosing to bind their breasts to the point that Greeks assumed they didn’t have any.

Scythian women were total badass bitches.

In every sense of the word.

They led hunting parties.  They led war parties.  Women ruled over tribes and cities, they participated in politics.  They weren’t dependent or helpless.  So when a woman chose a lover or a partner, it wasn’t because she needed a man.  It was because she respected and cherished that man, she saw him as her equal, and she wanted to stand by his side.

They were powerful members of an aggressive culture, in a hostile and hard environment.  And they took an active role in the future of their people.

Their prowess and viciousness on the battlefield led to them being immortalized by the men who feared them.  Their memory lives on in myth and legend, long after they died.

And today, they are still feminist icons and heroines.  They serve as strong figures for girls and women to look up to.  And a reminder that women are every bit men’s equals, and when women and men work together, culture and society thrive.

MGTOW Revisited

Alright, so I’ve been talking with a gentleman who approached me after reading my MGTOW post.  The conversation started off about as ugly as you’d expect, and I didn’t put much thought into it.

But then he actually made a somewhat interesting point, and we figured out how to have a civil conversation about his experiences.

One of his main gripes is that women tend not to pursue men.

Women often don’t approach men, or ask them out, or buy them flowers, or anything.  All of the romance expectations are placed on a man’s shoulders.

I mean, again, I think this is primarily due to how men and women interpret value.  A lot of men do tend to show romance in material ways.  Flowers.  Candles.  A nice dinner at a romantic restaurant.  Shiny jewelry.  Etc.

And hell yeah, I love all of that stuff.  But I’ve noticed a difference when I’ve dated women.

Women don’t do stuff like that as often as men do.  My last live-in girlfriend wrote Post-it notes and left them on the bathroom mirror for me every morning.  I’d wake up, grumpy as hell, and walk in to start getting ready for work, and there was a sweet little note there.

And it was always simple.  Sometimes, just something like, “I love you, Mistress.  Have a good day!”  Sometimes, it was something fun, like, “My ass is going to be sore all day, but that’s alright, because it makes me think of you.”  And if one of us was having a bad day, the other one would draw up a bath with all kinds of salts and essential oils, and give the stressed partner some time to relax.

Another girlfriend always made sure she had my favorite beer and soda at her house, as well as an extra toothbrush for when I stayed the night.  She was also really, really great at listening when I was angry or upset.  I mean, if you want to talk about doing emotional labor for someone, she was the queen of that.

Even on Valentine’s Day, I don’t think I ever got the typical flowers or chocolate or jewelry or whatever from a girlfriend.  We just didn’t show our feelings like that.  And, to be quite honest, I never missed it.  In fact, I might even go as far as to say I preferred that to flowers or jewelry or refined sugar.

But the problem is that a lot of men don’t really like receiving those shows of romance.

And it can be hard to get some guys to open up about what gives them those warm, fuzzy, romantic feelings.

I mean, honestly, I have no idea what would give my own husband those feelings.  It’s a pain in the ass to get him to talk about it.  And since neither of us are particularly romantic people, it just hasn’t been a topic that comes up.

So, as a woman who loves men, if you want a woman to be romantic, tell her how.  Because, honestly, she probably doesn’t know.  And I know a lot of women are super romantic, and would jump at the opportunity to do that for a man they love.

But just remember that you may not receive the “big” romantic gestures that some men do (obviously, of course, this depends on the woman).  A lot of women tend to go for the smaller, everyday sort of romance, and that’s also what we tend to appreciate more.

Big gestures are great, but even the non-romantic everyday things can become romantic with the right meaning behind it.

Here’s a perfect example that my boys do for me, that has become romantic to me:

Every morning, Kazander calls me to wake me up and tell me good morning.  I get off the phone with him and see a text from Sounder, telling me good morning.

Which may not seem like a big deal.

But I love that.  I love it so much.

Mornings are always the worst part of my day.  I hate that feeling when you first get up, and 100% of the time, I have an inner argument where I have to talk myself out of going back to sleep.

Waking up to Kazander and Sounder on my phone is a great way to ease that crappy feeling and put me in a better mood.

I like that better than flowers.

But the idea that women don’t pursue men?  Um, have you ever actually spoken to a woman?

I tell my boys all the time that they’re fucking hot.  I struggle to keep my hands off of them, and I initiate fun the vast majority of the time.

But Jen, not all women do that.

Yeah, no fucking kidding.

Sounder and Kazander don’t particularly like getting flowers.  Does that mean no man likes getting flowers?

No.  It doesn’t.

Women are individuals.  A lot of women enjoy being pursued by a man, and taking a more passive, submissive role.

But a lot don’t.

And honestly, I just have to laugh when guys tell me, “Yeah but no woman I’ve ever met has wanted to be the pursuer.”

Because, sorry, I just don’t believe it.  You know, because I actually know women.  And talk to them.

Plenty of women, even vanilla woman, are comfortable pursuing men.  The idea that “women don’t pursue men” is just wrong.

No, honey.  They just haven’t wanted to pursue you.

And if you’re the type of guy who gravitates toward the MGTOW “philosophy,” that’s probably why.

You’ve got to understand, women communicate a hell of a lot better than men.  Both verbally and nonverbally.

Perfect example, Kazander’s old boss was totally in love with him.  Which I thought was cute.

But he still doesn’t believe me.  Because he didn’t see what I saw.  He didn’t notice all the nonverbal cues and body language she was giving out when she thought I wasn’t looking.  He didn’t notice the way she’d get really, really quiet around me, and purposefully move farther away from him when she realized I was nearby.  The way her voice changed when she talked to him versus his coworkers.  The way she looked at him.

He was oblivious.

Why am I telling you this?

Because you’re saying a hell of a lot more than you think you are.

And this has happened so much to me, personally.  A man may think he’s being charming, but just comes off as creepy.

And, because he’s oblivious to my body language and nonverbal cues or polite hinting that I’m not interested, I’ve had to learn to communicate differently in those situations.

Sometimes, that means I come off as kind of a bitch.  And you know what?  I’m okay with that.

Can’t handle a strong, sometimes-bitchy woman?  What a fucking surprise.

See this?  It’s my surprised face.

And here’s where the MGTOW guys fuck up.

You deserve happiness.  Honestly, you do.

But….

That does not mean that anyone owes you a God-damned thing.  Which MGTOW guys and incels just can’t seem to grasp.

They feel that they deserve happiness, so when happiness and a loving relationship elude them, they begin to feel resentful.  They begin to feel like they’re entitled to romance, and a relationship, and whatever woman suits their fancy.

Women can pick up on that shit in a fucking millisecond.  And we run far away from it.

Because you know who else has that mentality?  Can you think of anyone else who feels entitled to our bodies?

Fucking rapists do.

So if women aren’t pursuing you or being romantic with you, it’s not because every single woman you’ve ever met just wants to sit back and be spoiled by a man.

It’s because you’re creeping us the hell out.

Want to fix it?

Fix you.

Written in Stone Patreon

So some of my older readers may remember the Written in Stone story I’ve been working on.

Well, it’s gotten enough feedback, and good enough feedback, that I’ve decided to work on actually publishing it (you know, when it’s finished).

Which, as it turns out, costs like, a lot of money.  Like, a lot of money.

So I’ve launched a Patreon page, which can be found here.  This will help cover the cost of the publishing services, illustrator for the cover, and (the most important thing) marketing.  Because, I mean, it could be the best book in the world, but that won’t mean shit if I can’t get it out where people can see it.  And since it’s connected to my online presence, it’s not like I can go market it in my vanilla life.  I need to actually hire someone who knows how to do all that fancy shit.

So if you’re interested, please go to the page and help me out.  Or if you can’t help out, sharing it would be amazing.  I’d greatly appreciate any help.

And just for fun, I figured I’d do one of those teaser things that they sometimes put on the backs of books to make you want to buy it:

 

Once they were alone, Charis sat on the bed and gestured for Kieran to come to her.  He quickly obeyed, kneeling at her feet and resting his chin on her knee.

“You’ve been exceptionally obedient,” she said softly, stroking his hair.  “And you’re very good at hiding your feelings when made to do something you don’t want to do.  But no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be able to hide the things you’re afraid of.”

“I’m sorry, Domina.”

“No, love, you don’t have to be sorry.  After what you’ve been through, I think you’re completely justified in being afraid to be fucked.  Anyone would fear it.”

“Yes, Domina,” he murmured, relieved.

She lifted his chin to meet his gaze.  “I’m going to teach you not to fear it,” she told him.  “And to take pleasure from it, even if you don’t like the person fucking you.”

Kieran’s heart began to race.  “Yes, Domina.”

“Do you trust that I won’t hurt you?”

“Yes, Domina,” he replied, his voice shaking.  He was pretty sure he trusted her, she’d been gentle with him so far.  But the idea of being penetrated by anyone, even her, was enough to make his muscles lock with fear.

“Come on, then,” she ordered softly.  “Get on the bed.  On all fours.”

Trembling, Kieran stiffly moved to obey her command.  His face flamed and his heart raced as he stared down at the sheets beneath him, feeling her move behind him and wondering what she was doing.

“This is not supposed to hurt,” she told him.  “If it does, I want you to tell me.”

“Yes, Domina,” he replied, unable to stop from cringing as her fingertip pressed against his entrance.

“Good.  Now take a deep breath.”

Somehow, Kieran managed to obey.  How, he had no idea, his chest had seized up with fear and dread.  His arms shook as they supported his weight, and the sharp sting of tears could be felt behind his eyes.

Slowly, gently, she eased a single, slender finger into him.  Kieran whimpered, his vision blurring with tears.

“That’s it,” she said reassuringly, running the fingers of her other hand along his back.  “Good boy.  That’s as deep as it goes.  You’ve taken it all.”

He sighed audibly, though he still trembled.

She was right, it didn’t hurt.  Objectively, it didn’t even feel bad.  But years of associating penetration with pain were not easy to let go.

“Deep breaths, love,” she said.  “You’re doing wonderfully.”

The softness of her voice and the reassuring praise helped.  He took a deep breath, trying to forget what his life was like before her, trying to focus only on now, only on her touch, on her voice.  He tried not to remember what it meant before when someone penetrated him.

“Are you ready for me to start moving it?” she asked gently.  “Or would you rather have another minute or so of it just being still?”

Having her ask that question felt more odd and awkward than the finger inside him.  “I’m ready,” he replied.  He didn’t think he’d ever get used to being given a say in what was done to him.

All thoughts of that flew from his mind, however, when her finger began slowly moving back and forth.

He’d never been fucked without it hurting before, and the pain had masked every other sensation.  Without that pain, the feeling was intense and foreign, and made him feel vulnerable and, surprisingly enough, aroused.

He gasped, his hands balled into fists.  The finger inside him stilled.

“Are you alright?” she asked.

“Yes,” he managed to croak, wanting the movement again.

When she started fingering him again, he closed his eyes and lowered his face to the bed, moaning softly.

“Well it looks like you can at least tolerate this,” she said.  “Now let’s try something else.”

The movement of her finger changed.  Instead of thrusting smoothly in and out of him, it went deeper, her hand pushing against him, her finger exploring inside him.

Suddenly she touched something…. Something powerful, deep inside him.  It sent bolts of lightning up and down his spine, all the way to his fingers and toes.  He gasped, his body jerking with the intensity of the sensation.

“Ahh, there it is,” she murmured, massaging that spot.

Kieran cried out, pleasure exploding from his belly, shooting up and down his cock, up and down his spine, making his entire body tingle uncontrollably.

“My, you’re especially sensitive,” Charis said.  “Do you enjoy this?”

“Yes, Domina,” he gasped, pushing back against her.

Dear gods, he actually enjoyed it.

But then, how could he not?  Whatever she touched inside of him completely took control of him.

“Good.  I’m going to put a second finger in.  It’s still supposed to feel good, so tell me if it doesn’t.”

“Yes, Domina,” he answered, a strange mix of desire and fear building in him at the thought of another finger.  On one hand, he was still afraid of the pain that so often came with any kind of penetration.  But he was surprised to find himself actually wanting something bigger inside him.

She slid the second finger in, stretching him.  Squirming and writhing, he cried out as he was filled up.  The second finger made the sensations even more intense.  There was a slight tinge of pain, but surprisingly enough, he liked it.  It brought the pleasure into sharper focus.

Moaning, he pushed back against her as her fingers sunk all the way inside him, stretching him.

He almost screamed when he felt an unexpected hand on his cock, stroking him.

“That’s a good boy,” she said approvingly, using long, fluid movements on him.

He could feel the tension building in him, hot and sweet, as she massaged him inside and out.  The feel of her hand on him, the feel of her inside him quickly brought him to the threshold.

“Domina,” he gasped.  “Can I cum?”

“Yes, love,” she answered.

Mere seconds later, the tension in his belly exploded, and he cried out, collapsing on the bed, completely spent.

“Very good boy,” she murmured, running her fingertips along his back.

Kieran moaned softly, curling himself around her, wanting to be close to her.  He felt open and vulnerable, but safe and protected.

“So was it as bad as you thought it would be?” she asked playfully.

Kieran closed his eyes.  “I didn’t know it could be like that,” he whispered breathlessly.  Charis laughed.

“And that’s just a finger.  Wait until it’s a cock.”

Shuddering, Kieran buried his face in her lap.  Gods, a cock?  How would he survive something like that?

How would he survive her?

No means no*

*Except in specific, agreed-upon situations between two responsible, knowledgeable, mentally sound adults.

Consent is a big fucking deal, you guys. It is absolutely critical to a healthy sexual or romantic relationship. Even more so in D/s and BDSM relationships, due to the intensity and potential risk inherent with certain activities.

Being a Dominant does not excuse one from following the rules regarding consent. I cannot go up to a random sub at a munch or a play party and start groping them or barking orders.

It’s important even in established relationships. I own my boys, but they have the right to revoke their consent to that ownership at any time, for any reason. And should they ever do that, it’s on me to respect them and their bodies. I can’t ever touch them without their consent.

Consent is huge deal.

But the line can a little murky in one particular fetish.

And that’s consensual nonconsent.

Consensual nonconsent is a fetish in which a sub enjoys being made to do things he doesn’t want to do, or having things done to him he doesn’t want done. That reluctance, being forced to endure something he doesn’t want, is what turns him on.

It’s definitely one of my top 3 favorite fetishes, and plays a big role in my relationships.

I love that reluctance. I love forcing a sub to do something he doesn’t want to do. It’s intoxicating.

Because it’s about obedience. It’s about his desire to please me overriding his desire to avoid whatever is being done to him.

But it is definitely edge play, because it can be easy to unintentionally cross that line between fetishized reluctance and trust-shattering reluctance. There is a possibility for real harm.

And that’s why there needs to be rules and boundaries in place.

Both partners need to know each other’s hard and soft limits, and discuss what’s possible, and under what circumstances.  They need to be able to communicate in a session as well as before and after.  Boundaries need to be negotiated and respected.

And both parties need to recognize that something could potentially go wrong.  Maybe the Domme misreads his body language or he forgets his safeword or something they thought would be okay turns out to not be okay.  Any number of things could happen.

And if the session goes wrong, both parties need to be able to talk calmly about it (after whatever aftercare is needed and they’ve had time to process).  They need to be able to recognize what went wrong and how to avoid it in the future.

But when things go well, it’s such an amazing, intense thing.

Bending your sub to your will, watching him give in to you and put his desire to serve you above his own wants and desires, is such an incredible feeling.  Seeing that surrender on his face, watching him obey you, it’s beautiful.

And it’s intense as hell.

Because the thing about consensual nonconsent is that he doesn’t actually want to do it.  He doesn’t want to suck a man’s cock, for example.  It’s not something he’d ever do on his own, for his own enjoyment.

His enjoyment comes from knowing you want it, and pleasing you.

And this is where my praise kink comes in.  Because I’m so unbelievably turned on by making a sub do something he doesn’t want to do.

I know he’s doing it to please me.  And, uh, I’m quite pleased.

So I want to let him know.  I want him to know how turned on I am, how hot he is, how good of a job he’s doing.

My enjoyment comes from making him do something he doesn’t want to do.  His comes from knowing he’s made me happy.

And I want us both to enjoy it.

Again, the most important thing is to always make sure it’s consensual nonconsent.

Consent is still paramount, even in consensual nonconsent, where it can occasionally get murky.  The sub has to be on board and willing.  He needs to freely choose what’s happening to him.

And his voice needs to be heard.

Respect his limits, follow the rules, and take care of your toys.

 

Dirty talk for submissives

So I was talking to a gentleman earlier and mentioned that I love when my boys are vocal and expressive.  He then brought up an interesting question.

What kind of dirty talk can I do, as a submissive?

And honestly, this is something I haven’t really put a lot of thought into.  I’ve never really thought about submissives doing any kind of dirty talk.  Usually, I sort of do most of the talking during a session.

But then, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that yeah, subs can absolutely do some dirty talk, and it’s really fucking hot when they do.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love reducing my subs to a whimpering, squirming, incoherent mess.  If he’s too overwhelmed to talk, I’m happy.

But I do love when subs take a more active role, as well.  And one way a sub can take a more active role is through dirty talk.

First things first, if you want to ramp up your Domme’s enjoyment, there’s one very important thing:

You know that stoicism that so many guys have, where you try to control your reactions?

Stop that shit.  Immediately.

I actually get bored and annoyed if a guy is too stoic or quiet.  I’ll usually use pain, and escalate it until I get a reaction I want.  But it’s annoying if I constantly have to ramp up the pain.  It doesn’t matter what you’re like in your daily life, when you’re with me, you need to let that shit go.

Relationships with stoic men have never lasted long.  If I can’t get you to moan, writhe, whimper, or scream, I just get bored and lose interest.

Your reactions are the best parts of my fun.  If you hold those back, because of some stupid idea of wanting to appear “manly,” you’re fucking with my enjoyment.

Stop fucking with my enjoyment.

Lose your shit.  Lose control.  Writhe.  Squirm.  Beg.  Whimper.  Moan.  All of it.

You may worry that it’s not manly, but honestly, you have no fucking idea how hot that is to us.  How fucking turned on we are by it.  We want it so bad.  And your job is to please us, so drop that annoying stoicism and be expressive.  Give us what we want.

And that goes for tone of voice, too.

One of my favorite things with Sounder is when I push him to the point that his deep baritone rises up.  When his voice gets higher, my enjoyment gets ramped up by like 238578238743%.

That doesn’t mean I want you to intentionally raise your voice, though.  When I do it to Sounder, he doesn’t think about it or do it consciously, it just happens.

But some men try to control that, and stop it from happening.

And y’all need to knock that shit off right now.  That’s annoying.  It’s not hard to just let go and show her that expressive side of you.  It seems like it would be a lot harder to try and control your reactions.

And for dirty talk, that’s pretty easy, too.

So here are some ideas that I think are super hot:

  • Please

    • Seriously guys, never underestimate the power of a desperate, ragged “please” during a session.  If I’m teasing a boy, and he arches his back, exposing his ass, and whimpers, “Please,” I’m completely wet immediately.  Or if I’m enjoying myself completely tormenting and overwhelming him, that gasped “please” is so damn hot.
    • No matter what the situation is, that “please” is super powerful.  If you’re a little on the shy or reserved side, and some of the other suggestions are too far outside your comfort zone, “please” is your friend.
  • Beg

    • God, begging is so hot.  I love that desperate, almost whiny begging.  Feel free to beg for everything (but stop when she tells you to, because there is such a thing as too much).  Beg to be fucked.  Beg to cum.  To service her.  To be used by her.  I mean, everything.
  • Please fuck me/ I want you inside me/ etc

    • I love when my subs turn into eager, cockhungry little sluts.  It’s so hot when they really, really want me to fuck them.  Asking to be fucked is such a simple, incredibly hot thing you can say that will immediately turn your Domme the fuck on.
  • You feel so good in me/You fill me up/You’re so big/ Your cock is so big/I’m so stretched out

    • Have you ever had vanilla or traditional sex with a woman?  Did she say anything like those suggestions when you were having sex?  And you enjoyed that, right?  Well we enjoy it, too.
  • Harder/Faster/Don’t stop

    • I love when a sub asks me to do something harder or faster.  If I’m fucking him or teasing him or choking him or beating him, and he gives a little whimpered “Harder,” I get so turned on.  That’s an easy way to flip my switch from everyday normal Domme to OHMYGODIMUSTRAVAGEYOURWHOLEBODYRIGHTNOW.  I mean, it just wakes up my sadistic side and I’m ready to go.
  • I love when you…

    • Not technically dirty talk, but still important.  Playtime is super intimate and intense, and we want to know that you’re enjoying what we’re doing to you.  Never ever be shy about telling us what you like.
  • That feels so good/ That hurts so bad

    • This ties into the previous one a bit.  If she’s doing something that feels good, tell her.  If she’s beating you or hurting you, tell her.  Your reactions are her candy, spoil her with them.
  • Use me/ Take me

    • Damn, this one is hot.  When a boy offers himself to me, it’s the hottest thing in the world.  I mean, I go from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds flat.  And this could also work if you want to play and don’t really know how to initiate it.  I could literally be doing my taxes or something, and a boy could crawl into my lap, kiss my neck, and whisper, “Take me, please,” and dude, I’m ready to go.
  • I’m gonna cum/ Please can I cum

    • I love the way a guy’s voice sounds when he’s close.  That strained desperation, the way his voice raises, I love everything about it.  Give me more, I want more.
  • I need you/ I need your cock/ I need you inside me/ I need [insert whatever]

    • This ties into that desperation I love so much.  Show that desperation.  Be vocal about it.  Don’t be shy.  It’s so fucking hot.
  • I’m yours/ I’m your toy/ I’m your slut/ I’m your [insert whatever]

    • I ended with my favorite.  I love hearing this.  It’s my absolute favorite thing for a guy to say, both in the middle of a session, and just in general.  Some women love hearing “I love you,” but I love hearing “I’m yours.”  Whether I’m beating you, degrading you, fucking you, or just cuddling, I love this one.  Ever want to immediately lift my mood and make me smile?  Say this.

A whole new level

I saw my sissy the other night, after a few weeks of not seeing each other.

And the time apart was getting to both of us.

I always love how eager and horny he gets. I mean, he’s always a cockhungry sissy, but you can tell if he hasn’t been fucked in awhile.

He can’t orgasm on his own, even if I give him permission. He has to rely on me for that. So if our schedules don’t match up for awhile, he’s forced to go without.

And he’d had to go without for awhile.

The good thing about being apart is that he gets super, super slutty. Combine that with his general personality, wanting to go the extra mile to please me, and he’s pulled off some pretty awesome surprises for me in the past.

This was by far the best, though.

He told me he’d done some shopping. Naturally, I wanted to know what he got. And he asked a question that set off an argument between 6-year-old Jen and Adult Jen. He asked if I wanted to wait and be surprised.

6-year-old Jen immediately started screaming to know now, while Adult Jen recognized that waiting is better.

And yeah, waiting was definitely better.

I walked into his house, saw him, and it actually took me a second to take everything in.

First was this gorgeous, lacy pink bodysuit. I mean, he just looked stunning in it.

I mean, he always looks good in lingerie. He had an awesome body to start with, and since being on the birth control, the sexy curves the hormones have given him make him even hotter.

And God damn, it looked good.

Then, I looked up and saw his makeup and his hair. His makeup looked amazing, and he had a new wig, totally realistic, and fits his face so well.

I mean, damn.

That would’ve been enough on its own to completely make my week. But no, that’s not enough for my sissy.

It took me a few seconds to notice the best part:

A gorgeous, pink chastity cage.

Oh my God, you guys.

He hadn’t locked it yet, though. That, he left for me.

No, seriously. Oh… my God.

That’ll take some getting used to, though. He’ll have to start with only wearing it for a few minutes at a time and then gradually get to longer periods.

But holy shit, it looked amazing. And as he got hard and it started hurting, even that was hot (sadistic? Me? Nonsense).

But I was nice and took it off after a few minutes. I wasn’t planning on being gentle with him, and didn’t want to cause any unintentional pain.

We went up to the bedroom and I told him to get on all fours on the bed.

And the view, you guys. Oh my God, the view.

I mean, holy shit. Look at how pretty that is. That color looks amazing on him. And look at how it accentuates his curves.

And I loved how eager he was. He just ached to be filled.

I have this prostate massager plug, that’s relatively small. Which is good because he hadn’t had anything in him for awhile, he needed a bit of a warmup before my strapon.

And even that was enough to get an orgasm out of him.

Which, I mean, is just extremely good to know.

But I didn’t warm him up for long. He wasn’t the only one who ached to have my cock inside him. I hadn’t fucked my sissy in weeks, and seeing him like that was not doing great things for my self control.

I needed to be in him. So I jumped up in size and pushed my strapon into him. But I was nice, I went slow.

You know what’s funny, though? When I got my purple strapon, he coordinated his outfit to match that, and now I have a pink one, and we match again.

And oh my God, look at how hot he is!

Jesus, I could literally fuck him all day, a straight 24 hours, and still want to do it more.

He was such a sexy slut, too, pushing back against me, fucking himself on my cock. And he made the cutest, sexiest noises when he came.

But there’s something I’ve never made him do. I’ve never fucked him in front of a mirror and made him look at himself.

What better time could there be?

So there we were, in his bathroom, his hands on the counter and me behind him.

“Look,” I told him. “Look at yourself being fucked. Watch yourself cum with my cock in you.”

It was so fucking hot.

And then we went downstairs and relaxed on the couch, and I played with his sissy button a bit, and got him to another couple of orgasms.

I mean, I always prefer being able to see him more often. But when things come up and we have to wait, he definitely knows how to make it worth it.

Why I loved sex work

I think sex work is so under-rated, you guys.  I think it’s amazing, I think it’s wonderful, I think it’s great.  For both the sex worker, as well as the client.

I look back on my sex worker days fondly.  It’s a good memory.

And really, it is fun.  And it provides such a unique experience for the men who choose to spend time with a sex worker.

Do you have a fantasy you’d like to live out?  Something specific you’d like to try?  A sex worker is your best friend.

You can hire her to provide a specific service, you can lay out your fantasies for her, without fear of being judged (trust meshe has heard weirder shit.  I promise.  And her definition of “weird” is far and beyond the average person’s definition), without fear of catching anything, without fear of consequence.  She can act out exactly what you want, and it’s something that she chooses to do, something she wants to do, something that directly benefits her.

But there are people who think it’s misogynistic or cruel, or that women are forced into it.  I’ve spoken before about my thoughts on those people.  But to sum up, I don’t have patience or tolerance for ignorant idiots.  Sane people know that sex work and sex trafficking are not the same thing.

Sex trafficking is heinous and cruel and violently evil.  But sex work?

Sex work celebrates human sexuality.

There’s a trend I noticed, particularly in SWERF and TERF circles, that purports this (frankly insane) idea that men’s sexuality is inherently evil and violent and misogynistic.  That even gay men are predatory villains.  Recently, a story surfaced in which a young man was sent to the ER because giving his boyfriend head ruptured his airway.

And for some people, this was further proof that “male sexuality is inherently violent and cruel.”

And, I mean, come on.  The mental gymnastics someone has to go through to come to that sort of conclusion just baffles me.

Because I happen to love men.  I think men are awesome.

And they’re human, same as women.  There are shitty ones (see: Donald Trump and Sarah Huckabee Sanders) and there are awesome ones, and there are ones who lie somewhere in between.

Are there misogynist assholes?  Yep.  Sure are.  Are all misogynist assholes men?  Nope.

Do male sexual predators exist?  Yep.  Sure do.  Are the majority of men sexual predators?  Nope.

love male sexuality.  Especially when he breaks out of the stereotypical dominant male archetype.  I loved giving men an opportunity to explore different facets of their sexuality with me.  I loved watching them as they experienced this whole other side of themselves.  Being a part of their journey as they acknowledged, accepted, and embraced that side of themselves was fucking awesome.

And I love female sexuality, too.

love embracing my sexuality.  I love recognizing the power it has.

Because we all know and recognize that female sexuality is powerful.  Influential.  We see some women using it to manipulate men, which sucks, but most of us just want to do what feels good.

I’ve spoken about toxic masculinity before, but there is one thing that can get any guy a free pass from his buddies, for pretty much anything:

“It’s for a girl.”

A dude can show up to a bar and meet his buddies in full drag, and all he needs to do is shrug and say, “Come on, it’s for a girl.”

And his friends will immediately be like, “Oh.  Well, okay, that’s cool.”

Women’s sexuality is powerful, and the effect it can have on men is immense.

I loved sex work because it gave me an opportunity to explore and celebrate my own sexuality.

It made me feel powerful, and strong, and able to do anything.  It felt good.

Sex work can be empowering.

Now, to be fair, I don’t like using that word when talking about sex work.  Because there’s this idea that, if it’s not empowering, it’s further proof that sex work exploits women.

Is being a cashier empowering?  Is waiting tables or driving a truck or working in an office empowering?

No.  It’s not.  It’s a fucking job, that you do so you can have money to pay your bills.

And it’s the same for sex workers.  Some sex workers don’t feel particularly empowered by their jobs, and they don’t have to.  It’s a job they do because they choose to do it, so they can have money to pay their bills.

For me, though, working exclusively as a ProDomme, it was definitely empowering.

And it made me feel like my body, which I haven’t always been 100% happy with, was valuable.

I mean, I had men willing to drive hours and pay hundreds of dollars just to spend two hours with me.

My self-esteem skyrocketed.  And my relationship with my body changed.

I stopped seeing glaring flaws, and started seeing the positives.  I started seeing myself as something special, and unique, and worth driving hours and paying hundreds of dollars for.

And that seeped into every aspect of my life.  My ego has never suffered from being too small, but man, I felt awesome, all the time.

Knowing that there is a large number of men willing to pay significant amounts of money for your time has a profound effect on the way you see yourself.

It celebrates a woman’s bodily autonomy.

I was hired to provide a very specific service for my clients, but make no mistake: I was in charge the whole time.

If I didn’t like a guy or didn’t feel comfortable with him, I didn’t have to touch him.  If I wasn’t into a particular fetish or didn’t want to act out a particular fantasy, I didn’t have to.

My body is mine to do with as I please, and that was never so clear to me as when I did sex work.

There’s an interesting statistic.  Recent polls have found that more women than men have tattoos.  And there has been some speculation as to why that is.

A lot of people think it’s because women are at a place now where we’re experiencing new levels of awareness of bodily autonomy.  And we’re also living in a culture where that autonomy is at risk.  People are trying to criminalize things like abortion, and trying to take our ownership of our bodies away from us.  Regardless of my feelings on abortion, a woman’s body is hers, first.  It’s her decision what she does with it.  There are some questions on what should happen, or what would ideally happen in certain situations, but at the end of the day, it’s her decision alone what happens to her body.  It has to be.

And in a culture where that’s at risk, where women often feel like their autonomy isn’t a given, using it as an artistic canvas to express themselves becomes attractive.

I have a bunch of tattoos.  And yeah, I’m one of those annoying people who have significant meaning for every tattoo I have.  There’s a reason why I chose to put it permanently on my body.

Could my tattoos potentially prevent me from getting a job somewhere?  You know what?  Maybe.  But it’s my body.  In a world where my own doctor told me she wouldn’t tie my tubes “in case Kazander wanted more kids,” where I was seen as his personal baby-making machine, and his wants outweighed mine, that’s a big fucking deal, m’kay.

So yeah, I have big, visible tattoos.  That I got because I wanted them.  And I’m going to get more.  And I don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks about them, because it’s my body.

Sex work had a similar effect.

The final decision of what happened in that room, and with whom, was mine.  Not my clients’, not my roommates, not anyone else’s.  I did what I wanted, when I wanted, with whom I wanted.  I did what I felt like doing.  It was all my choice.

And my clients catered to that, or they didn’t get to see me.  It wasn’t enough just to pay me, they had to be someone I actually wanted to spend time with.

I did sex work because I wanted to.  Because it’s my body, and it was my choice.  Choosing to use it to directly benefit me in a concrete and measurable way really drove that fact home.

I didn’t even let anyone penetrate me, but just using my body and my sexuality as tools to provide for myself was so empowering.  And it felt amazing.

I never felt exploited or taken advantage of.  I felt powerful.

Sex work is not the demeaning, exploitative thing ignorant people make it out to be.  It’s a celebration of sexuality, self-esteem, and choice.

Why are we still talking about this?

Okay but the problem is that women literally do have hormonal fluctuations during her time of the month where she’s not as levelheaded as she usually is. Which really isn’t there fault and it really does suck for them but at the same time putting someone like that in charge of nuclear devices is a bad idea. Yeah other countries have done it but they don’t have nuclear weapons do they? So its just not a factor. We do so we need to think about those things. I think women are great and can be great leaders in a lot of situations but being the leader of the free world just isn’t a position suited for someone who isn’t levelheaded a quarter of the time.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is an excerpt from a conversation I’ve had with a guy, and as it turns out, this mindset is more common than I originally thought.  So I decided I’d share and clear up a few things.

First of all, you just have to laugh.  Because, come on, that’s funny.

You don’t want someone who isn’t level-headed in charge of nuclear weapons?

You don’t?

Really?

I mean, really?

……. I mean, really?

Bro, you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Second of all, I’d like to take this opportunity to give a very watered-down version of what happens to a woman’s hormones during that time of the month.

Yes, women do have hormonal cycles that can affect our moods.

It’s real, it’s a thing, it happens.  And you also have a lot of pain that can affect a woman’s mood.

But her cognitive ability doesn’t diminish.  What diminishes is her patience.

So all the annoying shit you do, she’s less inclined to put up with.  What she normally pushes down underneath six audible gulps of resignation, she instead confronts and tells you, in no uncertain terms, how much of a prick you actually are.

Pain makes people less patient and less willing to put up with bullshit.  It doesn’t lower their IQ.

But your issue is with hormones, and yes, hormones do play a factor.

However

There’s a lot going on in a woman’s body during that time of the month, but the main thing is that her brain signals to her body to stop producing uterine lining and flush it out.

Imagine you’re living with your spouse.  You come home one day, and find that your spouse turned the spare bedroom into a nursery.  You’re standing there in shock while they come up to you, all nice and sweet, saying, “Honey, look at the nursery!  It’s perfect for the baby!”

Confused, you say, “But honey, we’re not having a baby.”

What?!  What do you mean we’re not having a baby?!  I did all this work!

And then they proceed to tear the entire room apart and throw the crib through the window.  Then, after a week, they calm down, get all nice and sweet again, and say, “That’s alright, baby.  We’ll try again next month.”

And this goes on and on for fifty years, until finally they just pack their shit and leave, but not before burning the entire house down.

Your patience for bullshit might be diminished, too.

The body mimics this fun little drama with hormones.

And the way it does that is by lowering estrogen and raising testosterone.

Which means, ladies and gentlemen, that during “that time of the month,” a woman’s hormones most closely resemble…

Wait for it…

A man’s.

And cue the fanfare.

This is why things like heightened aggression and a heightened sex drive are so common during a woman’s period.  She’s acting more like a man, because hormones play a fucking massive role in our bodies and our brains.  It’s enough to, in some women, drastically change their personalities.

Testosterone is the key thing, here.  It has the same effect on women that it does on men.  The difference is that, when a man is an asshole, that’s just part of who he is.  When a woman is an asshole, she’s “unreasonable.”

Hormones do not change a woman’s ability to see consequences of her actions.  They do not impair her cognitive ability.  They do not make her any more irrational than any given guy.

Also, men have hormonal cycles, too.

You just don’t hear about it because men have been conditioned not to show emotion or acknowledge anything that might be deemed “feminine,” and hormones (and being hormonal) have been associated exclusively with women for quite awhile.

Men’s cycles are stronger and much more unpredictable than women’s, and research is still being done to figure out exactly what happens.  Two studies in Norway and Denmark have found that men’s hormones fluctuate throughout the year, changing with the seasons.

They’ve also found that men have smaller peaks and dips in testosterone throughout the day.  His testosterone is usually at its highest in the morning, and dips in the evening (ever noticed a pattern in Trump’s tweeting activity?  Ever wondered why he’s generally more psychotic in the early morning?).  It’s a constant state of testosterone fluctuation.

So, if we’re going with the “hormones make people irrational” argument (which is a stupid argument, just by the way), then men are way more prone to being irrational than women, because they are way less hormonally stable.  Our hormones fluctuate over a 28-day cycle, in a very predictable way (so predictable that we literally know the exact day our period will start).  Men’s hormones are all over the place, fluctuating constantly throughout the day, and also throughout the year.

But wait, hormone fluctuation doesn’t turn the vast majority of men into psycho, irrational cavemen?  They can just go about their lives like normal?  Even if they do experience changes in mood, they can handle it and control themselves?  And if they’re pissed at you, chances are you did something stupid to piss them off, and it’s not due to their fluctuating hormones?

What a fucking shock, you guys.

Subs with depression

So I’ve received three different emails from Dominants in relationships with subs suffering from depression in the last week.

This is a tough subject, and a situation that’s difficult to navigate even in the best cases.

I’ll do my best to answer, but I hasten to point out that I am in no way a mental health professional.  My answers are based on my own experiences suffering from depression in the past and owning subs with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and/or some other mental health issues.

So my first and most important piece of advice is to talk to a mental health professional.  Convince your sub to talk to one.  If he won’t, go on your own and ask their advice.

Aside from that, D/s does add a slightly complicated layer to depression in a relationship.  It’s hard for Dominants to navigate, it’s hard for submissives to cope with, it’s hard to get through daily life, much less the extra effort a D/s dynamic often takes.

But there’s a common theme in all of the messages I received.

Where is the line between asserting what I want as his Domme and abusing a mentally ill partner?

Alright, so first, educate yourself.  Google is free, use it.  Read everything you can about depression.  Take notes.  Then read more.  Then read way more.

The more you learn about his illness, the more prepared you’ll be to help him manage it.

The thing you need to understand about depression is that it’s vicious and unbiased.  Literally no one with a brain is immune.  It could hit any of us, at any time.

So if you’re a Dominant, in a relationship with a sub who suffers from depression, you need to take it seriously.  It’s not a joke, it’s not someone looking for attention, it’s an ugly and devastating disease.  You need to try to imagine what it’s like to feel like your own brain is your enemy, trying to destroy you.

So compassion, kindness, and patience are important.

And you need to talk to him.

When he’s feeling good.  If he’s already in a depressed and dark state, a conversation like this may not be taken the way you want it to be.

And when you talk to him, you cannot, cannot let your emotions get the best of you.  No matter what, you must remain calm, tactful, compassionate, and kind.  Expectations for Dommes are always high, but when you have a sub with depression, they’re higher.  You have to be careful.

You have to find gentle ways to tell people potentially difficult things.  It’s not easy.  It might help to write down the important points first.

Because here’s the thing:

Having a mental illness does not excuse one from participating in the relationship.

There’s a fine line between supporting your sub and enabling him.  It’s difficult to find that line, it’s in a different place with everyone, and it might be a good idea, depending on your sub, to ask him directly where that line is.  No one has more experience with his depression than he does.  And he knows the difference between support and enabling.

That’s one of the most frustrating things about suffering from depression.  He knows that he’s not giving you what you need to be happy.  But he can’t help it.  And that can snowball into feelings of guilt and inadequacy, and deepening his spiral.  He wants to be a good partner for you.  He may just not know how.

He’s a grown man.  He is self-aware and intelligent.

Which means he knows that you need to feel fulfilled in a relationship just as much as he does.  He doesn’t have the right to ignore you.

But depression makes that extremely, extremely difficult.  It’s not something he’s doing on purpose or with any malicious intent.  He’s not trying to hurt you or neglect you.

The most important thing is for you to not take his actions personally.

Sometimes depressed people need time and space.  Him pulling away has nothing to do with you.  It has nothing to do with his feelings for you.

Stay away from feelings of blame, and redirect his own feelings of guilt.  You’re both on the same team, fighting this illness.  It’s not him that’s the problem, and it’s not you.  It’s the illness fucking with his brain.

Look at yourself as his protector, and take an active role in helping him.  If he’s not opposed to seeing a doctor, take him to an appointment.  Recognize that, even if he wants help, his illness may prevent him from actively seeking it.  The lethargy and apathy that go along with the illness prevents many people from seeking help, and on top of that, mental health issues in men are still greatly stigmatized.

There’s likely a sense of shame attached to his illness, which can potentially prevent him from getting much-needed help.

Let him talk.

I had a sub with depression and PTSD (and probably Trauma-Associated Sleep Disorder), and the first few times he really opened up to me sort of freaked me out.  There were some truly disturbing things that came out of his mouth, and I was really young and wasn’t entirely sure how to handle it.  He was a combat veteran, and had seen and done things I could literally never imagine, and holy fucking hell, what could I possibly say?  How could I possibly handle that?

But the thing is, he wasn’t telling me about all that to ask me to handle it.  He didn’t want me to say some magic words and take his pain and his illness away.  It wasn’t an attempt to shove his problems off on me.

He knew I could never understand what he was going through.  He knew I had literally zero answers for him.  All he wanted was someone who would listen without judging him, trying to fix him, or telling him he’s wrong for feeling the way he did.

You don’t need a psychology degree to listen to someone.

Don’t discourage him from talking, even if he starts throwing around scary words like “breakup,” or even worse, “suicide.”  Don’t freak out and panic if he says something that scares or disturbs you.

Emotions are fucked up things in even the most mentally healthy person.  They’re pretty adamant about being acknowledged and brought to light.  And often, the best way to work through them is to talk about them.  Acknowledge that they exist, that they feel real (even if they’re not, and just the product of fucked up brain chemistry), and that they don’t respond to reason or rationalization.

Giving him an outlet for that can help him feel closer to you and can help him remember, even when he’s spiraling, that you’re a safe haven for him.  That you can give him relief.

Ask him what he needs.

I love this so much, I really do.

As I said, no one knows more about their depression than the one dealing with it.  And in my experience, people who suffer depression tend to be exceptionally self-aware and intelligent.  They can often handle uncomfortable subjects and conversations pretty well.

So kindly and gently tell him specifically where you’re feeling frustration.  Start sentences with the words “I feel.”  Stay away from any language that can unintentionally come across as accusatory.

Because again, it’s not your sub’s fault.  His brain is fucking with him.  All the time.  It’s twisting things around.  Even the most grounded, sane person on the planet can find themselves turned around and upside-down when their brain is constantly working against them.

So it’s not your sub that’s causing the issues, and you really want to make sure you stress that you understand that.  You understand that it’s the depression, not him.  And you need to help him understand that he doesn’t have to fight it alone.

Logically, he knows what he needs.  When he’s calm and feeling good, he can help guide you in the best ways to help him when he gets low or starts spiraling.

But let him know that simply allowing himself to spiral is not going to work.  And this is where you need to know him really, really well, as well as have some decent intuition of your own.

Know when to push, and know when to back off.

When a depressed person pulls away, sometimes they genuinely need space.  Other times, they need a bit of a push.

And it’s not always easy for them to figure out which it is.

This can be difficult if you don’t live close, and rely on them picking up a phone or a computer to talk to you.  There’s not a lot you can do if your sub just refuses to talk to you.

But this is where that line between support and enabling comes into play.

Rules and structure help a lot of people, and can really help a person with depression.  I had an ex once who occasionally needed to pull away from people, which meant ignoring his phone.  We compromised by assigning me a separate ringtone, that would still sound even if he silenced it for everyone else.

So he could ignore his phone, but he’d still know when I texted or called.

And for me, personally, I made it very clear from the beginning that ignoring me is a very, very quick way to piss me off.  It’s a total hard limit in a relationship for me.

As soon as he told me about his needs, I told him mine, and asked him what would work for him, to allow him to feel that relief from people when he needed it, but also allowing me to feel fulfilled and happy in the relationship.

And I held him to that.  It wasn’t always easy, and it wasn’t always pretty, but he got really good at separating me from the other people in his life that drained him.

Because again, having depression did not excuse him from participating in the relationship.  I deserved to have my needs met the same as he did.

But also, I quickly learned when he was able to be pushed, and when he was really having bad days and needing his space.  It took some practice.  We had our fights.  But we figured it out relatively quickly.

It’s about developing a plan together.

Whatever that looks like for the two of you, find it together and find something that works.

But know that it’s not foolproof.  You’re going to have days where you feel frustrated, or sad, or powerless, or even resentful.  You’ve got to give yourself permission to feel those things without guilt.  Take time out to do things for yourself, to rest and recharge if you need to.  Sacrificing your own mental wellbeing is not going to help him, and it’s not going to help your relationship.

Depression doesn’t disappear overnight.  It almost always requires professional therapy.  It often requires some pretty powerful drugs.  Your plan needs to involve help from someone who knows way more about depression than you do, with the tools and resources to help him fight it.

It’s about recognizing that you are two imperfect people, trying to fight an invisible enemy that neither of you are formally educated about.  You’ve both got to understand that it will occasionally get ugly.  It’ll be messy.  You’re both figuring it out.  You’re both going to make mistakes.

It’s about forgiving yourselves and each other when that happens, and moving forward together.

Polyamory and satisfying needs

So I had a woman ask me today how polyamory works, and specifically how my relationships work in the day-to-day. She wanted to know how, to use her words, I “manage to satisfy the needs of two partners. Like emotionally and all that, but also, you know, sexually.”

Well, sexually isn’t an issue, m’kay. I joke that I have the libido of a teenage boy, but it’s not really that much of a joke.

I mean, it does require a little bit. But as long as I have that submissive energy to feed off of, as long as I have a sub who can match my energy with his own, dude there’s just no off switch.

Like, I’ve gotten on partners’ nerves with how easily my mind goes there.

So I mean, that’s pretty easy.

But I do want to stress that polyamory does take work. I think I, and a lot of other polyamorous folks, tend to gloss over the effort it takes when we gush about how awesome polyamory is.

And it’s not through any desire to manipulate or pretend polyamory is perfect.

For a lot of us, monogamy never worked.

Like for me, whenever I’ve tried monogamy, it just felt stifling. For me, polyamory is a relief. It feels amazing.

I want other people who want it to be able to feel that relief. I want them to know that it’s worth finding a polyamorous partner if that’s what they want.

Having two partners is so amazing, you guys. I could spend hours going on about the many benefits of polyamory.

But it does require more work than a monogamous relationship.

I can’t half-ass either of my relationships. Sure I have off days, everyone does, but I think people tend to really underestimate the amount of work that goes in to satisfying two partners. You can’t have a lot of off days.

I have two partners. Each of my partners are whole, complete humans. And I have a whole, complete relationship with each of them.

They don’t just get half of me. That’s not what polyamory is. It’s not like pie.

They each get the whole thing. Physical and emotional. Because that’s what they deserve. And I love them. I adore them. I want to give them that.

But yeah, it takes a lot of work. A lot of compromise and negotiation. A lot of time management. Sometimes, it’s a lot of pressure.

But that works for me because I like the pressure. I excel when I’m under pressure. I like carrying it.

Yeah, I know it sounds weird. But it honestly feels good. Like, I like who I am when I have high expectations to meet. I like knowing that my boys are depending on me to give them full, complete relationships and to be there for them. It feels good.

And I’m not perfect, you guys. I fail occasionally a lot. Emotional stuff is not my strong suit, and there are often times where I’ll look back at a situation and realize I didn’t handle it the way I should’ve. I feel bad about it, and I feel embarrassed for not being who my partners needed me to be. For failing them and letting them down.

Polyamorous people fuck up just like monogamous people do. We’re not immune.

The difference is that I have two people to witness my glorious fuckups, instead of one.

But I’m learning. I’m still figuring shit out. And when I’m on my game, I feel great when I can be everything they need me to be. I’m still working through figuring out exactly why that is, but I think a lot of it is just that it grounds me.

So I mean, meeting the needs of two partners can be challenging sometimes, and it can be draining. But at the same time, it’s so fulfilling and beautiful. I wouldn’t want it any other way.